CHRISTMASTIME IS UPON US!!!...(ze parte 1)

 

today legitimately is like christmas for me and at least one of my friends (i'm lookin at you wingster) because THE BACHELOR PAD is starting tonight.  in the first 60 seconds of the preview there is enough making out, hot tubs and bathing suits to make you wanna get an AIDS test.  squeaky mouse and allllll the other other crazies i have missed and hated so much in the past are here.  seriously...chris harrison is coming out to talk to us and im getting MAD antsy, let's begin.

holy shit they are all coming out of the limo to see ma boy chris harrison and first out is mother effing squeaky mouse.  she is still squeakin and talking about her husband cheating on her.  she literally says cheers to me while toasting herself in the house alone. 

next theres jesse b.  i dont know him. 

next natalie, from jasons season- i remember her because she was a crispy orange color and reminded me of chinese food.  tenley and her are squeaking and "shaking" about each other being there.

theres some dude named david, he looks familiar but i feel like he may have been scary. 

next is GWEN and she looks like she filled her face with all kinza chemical shit from season 2.  david called her old.  BURN.  

tenley is still squeaking cuz jessie s.  is here.  she looks like heidi fliess to me. why is squeaky mouse so surprised to see everyone?  she is pissing me off alreadyyyy. 8 mins in!! 

zu see? (and yes i know that is jamie lynn sigler playing heidi fleiss back uppp)

the weatherman has now arrived. he does NOT wanna see craig M.  and guess who is coming soon!  CRAIG M.  i like how they put the last initals with their names like they are in kindergarten.  

some bitch named natalie banged some dude named JUAN once and i dont give a shit.  drink up biyatchhhh. tenley is still squeaking and stuff jumping up and down btw.  i am tres angry. 

wes is here.  i could give a shit but apparently he conned fuggo jillian with country music or something.  (side note- they just showed gwen again and homegirl ain't lookin so good)  anyway they keep talking about he is "america's biggest villian" like ferreal?  wouldnt that be charles manson or something?

anyway.  some ho named krisilly comes and no one knows who she be.  elizabeth aka the 30 year old nanny that wouldnt let jake kiss her on her wrinkly forehead has arrived and she is no is blonde and she just said "twittebated" i think.  i think she meant twitterpated like thumper says in bambi but she fucked it up.  she likes some guy named kovax who i have never seen before adn she calls him by his last name like kids in high school.  (ps tenley squeaked again)

someone name kYpton with a Y has arrived (oh im sorry its "kiptYn")  she just shat herself when he arrived.  i smell a virginal dance party theme coming up.  oh christ.

now some bitches come who no one cares about and they get 5 seconds of screen time. ashley is here.  she is forgettable. also, someone named peyton. 

this is an actual artist rendering of ashley and peyton.

but here is what is important

MICHELLE IS HERE. 

 
you remember?  crazy fucking michelle?  they think she has a hot bod but they are afraid she might chop off your weiner.  

weatherman hopes gia is going to come and guess who comes?  my darlin ducklips!  how i have missed her so!  all the other girls are sad cuz when gia comes in and takes all the attention away. they are hypnotized by da collagen!!.

hmmmm MY FAVE evil patrick dempsey is here and his name is "craig M".  i dont care if hes evil he's hotness and oh so douchey.  they rpatz hair, the turquoise shirt, the cropped white pants, the hugs in which he doesnt actualy let his body touch yours.  i love him. steal my heart.  this now means weatherman is my mortal enemy!  it's war weatherman!!!!!!!