Hey y'all!!! It's been a hot minute since I recapped some reality garbage, but I couldn't hold back watching the X factor tonight.
It's supposed to be the finals when the top three pull out all the stops with major celebs to sing big songs and so far they have given me Alanis Morrisette (with Josh Krajick), Avril Lavigne (with Chris Rene) and R. Kelly (with Melanie Amaro). But um pardon me, what year is it? If I do the math correctly, Alanis was cool when I was in 5th grade so roughly SIXTEEN effing years ago. Around the same time, R. Kelly was jamming out with the theme song to fucking Space Jam. Since then he has done a few notable things like, oh I don't know, made a sex tape with an underage girl who he peed on? Yeah that actually happened. Lastly they brought out Avril Lavigne to try to extinguish the bright light that is Chris Rene, but bitch can't even hang. And for the record Avril's whiny bitch athem "Complicated" was on top in 2002, so with a vintage of about ten years, she is somehow the most current. Seriously, Paula calls their performance current, but she is most definitely on the ludes again tonight. Aka shit is onnnnnnnn. Here comes the play by play kitties!
First up Josh Krajick. The hero from the "over 30" group (that's ageism Fox). Josh is pretty good. Really good, even. Physically, he reminds of a big, growly, bear, but I am not here to judge him on that (shock I know), I'm just not sure he's 5 milli worth of goodness. He will be successful fo sho and there's a chance he could win cuz he is a likeable guy with the whole single dad angle, but I am biased cuz he is taking up valuable screen time reserved for my boyfriend Chris Rene (see below). Also, we have to cut Joshypoo some slack because his "mentor" is Nicole "loosen up my buttons" Sherzingpussycat, who might I add is dressed like a day time shift hooker on Halloween dressed as Woody Woodpecker.
But I digress. The second song is their first audition song and brother just killed it with an acoustic version of At Last (
watch it!) Gave me the tingles, whatever.
Ahhh... Chris Rene.
The real life Jesse Pinkman. A former meth head cum garbage collecter who looked like he just lost a battle with an eight ball of the Lohan powder during his first audition. The he sang an original song called,
"Young Homie" (a man after my own heart of course) and keeeeeeeeeeled it. Since then he has been a little shaky but his mentor, LA Reid aka the
chair dancing, chocolate suede bowling ball mista potato head, should get a little lovin for turning this boy into a hottish, thug styled JT. I just love it. Boy's got swag. Anyway, they tried to stifle him by pairing him with the Skater Boi, but he just came back and did Young Homie again and guess what? HE KIIIIILED IT and is gonna win it.
(SEE?! SO GOOD) end of story. thanks for coming also-rans!
Melanie Amaro. Simon has done his best to try to distract us from this wack ass bitch and turn her into a budget 'Yonce/Queen Latifah/Leona Lewis hybrid, but I will not be fooled!! Sure her very first audition made me get goosebumps but I refuse to forget that she started out with a plain old Florida whitey accent and then one day busted out straight up Miss Cleo shit, giving thanks to her "mudda and fadda" and her best pal GOD. Seriously. She is really good. Like Beyonce good, but she has none of her own thang to bring to the table. Also, nice try Simon. It appears as though ya girl went off their diet and forgot their double spanxx layers at home and the tried and true drag queen distraction tactics- big hair and majorly pushed up tittays will not work on me! SORRAY! Anyway she kills her 'Yonce copycat song "
Listen", but LA says it was a 50 million dollar performance and instead of being humble and saying thank you, she nods and tips her sparkly microphone up and steps back. Oh HALE NAW.
And we're done. Steve the host has no catchy sign off like SEACREST OUT! He just reminds us to vote, duh Steve (I never vote obvs). He is really hot but seems to be void of all personality. Where Brian Dunkleman at?! Bring back the Dunk!!
GOODNIGHT CATZ. CHRIS RENE 4 LYF
