Reasons Terrorists Hate America: Platinum Weddings

Oh Platinum Weddings, our relationship is so love hate.  Well it used to be love in a guilty pleasure kind of way, now its just straight up hate. Hate, hate, hate I hate it but I cannot look away when its on- and it’s on a lot. You see when I was in a stable relationship and thought a wedding was on the horizon in a few years, I ate this shit up.  But now like every stereotypical single girl I'm a cynical bitch who outwardly hates (and secretly loves) on all things wedding and relationship-related, while still maintaining an intense jealousy for those “lucky people” who have found such bliss.  What a conundrum.  So now that my initial hatin' has been explained I must get into the show and the many questions I have about it. 

                                                                                         

1. Where in the fuck do these people find the money to afford such ridiculously tacky things?  They show the bride and grooms family and their houses sometimes and they are like legit ghetto.   Sometimes they will briefly say what they bride and groom do for a living and there was one where the woman clearly came from the mob and the guy was a firefighter, yet he got her a pre wedding present of a diamond bracelet worth 30 grand aka my entire year's salary.  How does that work?  Does he buy it with their joint bank account  then surprise her with the credit card bill later a la K.Fed? I need to know.  Speaking of things people should know... just a heads up to the ladies, if the groom wants to be super involved with shit like flowers and sparkles you have a bigger problem on your hands than the ice sculpture design.  (Exhibits A and B are to the left and below.)

2. Why do people insist on having different themes that have nothing to do with them? Like the Jewish couple from PA who insist on having a south beach vibe.  Or the random Jewish couple from the south who want all Asian fusion stuff.  (Notice the theme with the couples featured on the show.  From my count is 50% Asians, 50% Jewish, and 100% new money.  No old money wasps would be caught dead on this shit) 

3. WTF is the appeal of tiny, loose Swarovski crystals? I don’t get- crystals in random places that no one will see them and they will probably fall off (i.e.- on the edge of your veil that people will probably step on, stuck in between the flowers on the tables for extra "bling".  They stick them on the edges of the cake yet they are not fucking edible.  Do they want to kill people?  Come to think of it, I should figure out how much those things go for and just stalk these idiots' ceremonies catching all the crystals that fall off and then eBay the shit out of them.  But I digress.

4. Is there something wrong with me that I can’t grasp the concept of spending shitloads of money on things you cant keep?  Like they table linens and different kinds of plates- do they think anyone is going to leave their wedding and be like wow that was cool but did you see those plain white plates? HOW TACKY!! That shit will never happen so people should not stress.  If I know the people in my life they will care about two things- availability of free booze and maybe the food, but really they probably wont remember the food because of the mass amounts of booze that will take precedence. 

I know I sound like a crotchety old hag, but I just had to get it out.  Sunday afternoon TV doesn’t really offer very much-  it’s literally this or various shows about forensic murder mysteries or ways the world will end or my most hated- the Olympics grrr how I despise them.

But anyway MAZEL TOV. Happy endings and big fat divorce settlements to come!

                         Don't they just look SO happy?

PS- I just learned there is also a show called Platinum Babies.  Our threat level should be raised any minute now!

Recapz: The Hoes Tellin' Thangz On the Wingz of Loooove!

OH Here we gooo… I’m pretty late on this one cuz as I mentioned before I was attempting to have a social life of my own this week, but never fear, that shit crashed and burned so I will probs never miss an episode of this crap again!

Even in the 30 second promo, I’m getting the anxietyz. C.HArz says they brought back the most interesting ones only and these kitties came with their claws OUT and ready to fight.

Anyway its Chris Harrison and jakeypoo one on one time, how romantic.  They should cut the shit and fast-forward to when these two enter their own lil fantasy suite. Sorry sorry back to the bitches…

They’re already talking about this ROzlyn baloney and how Jakeypoo was being all noble saying he wanted to stand with Chris Harrison while he told the ladies.  I think I heard a collective awwww from across the country when he said those douchey words.  The part that kills me-still- is when all the girls started to cry when they found out about lil Rozy’s indiscretions.  Like who cares you idiots, she skanked it up so you could live to see another week.  Be Thankful and STFU!

Anyway, now they’re talking about the number 2 crazy in town, Elizabeth (number one is obvs ma girl Michelle who we will get to later).  Elizabeth was pretty, but defo kind of nuts with her don’t kiss me unless you’re gonna marry me shtick.  What is she Amish?  The nuzzlin her head all up in jakeypoo’s face during the fireworks?  Ho needed a reality check big time. I wonder if she tries to pull that shit with guys in the real world.  Maybe she does and that’s why she’s a 29 year old really attractive nanny who needs a reality show to find a man. Oh sick burrrnnn. PS Jake says he has friends who have done that before, which of course he would. OH WELL, I’m bored. Moving on…

Now they’re talking about Snausages, who really I have spent too much time thinking about in recent weeks so I refuse to partake in their little romantic lit flashback shit they’re doing right now.  They bungee jump. She’s fun.  Jake screams like a little girl.  Done and doneeee.

Hmmm.. Discussing his love with mouseymouse. Squeakity, squeakz y’all! I will pass.  Nice turtleneck though Jakeypantz! 

Double Hmmm... More Ali shit? BO-RING.

OK for the record I refuuuuuse to comment on these past bachelor cast reunion things they are interjecting into this show.  Chris Harrison just told me it’s a “Sexy New Phenomenon: Bachelor Cast Reunions”.  I’m going to have to disagree with every word of that statement. You know what was a "sexy new phenomenon"?  Girls getting tongue rings in the 90's.  Old people having those swingers parties where everyone puts their car keys in a bowl and swaps partners  (i saw that in a movie on lifetime once). That gay purple telletubby. These lil reunions do NOT qualify. Get ya facts straight.   Moving on...

OMG. I fast-forward and I get more past cast members “giving back”.  That’s nice and all but stop interrupting my fucking long awaited HOES TELL THE GOOD SHIZ programming!!  This is very disrespectful.  I blame Chris Harrison.  But PS matt the English one is cute.  Damn those accents.  Probs has a small weena.  SORRY inapprops! PPS- I kinda missed Deanna’s animatronics robot looking bobble head and the way it wiggles when she talks. More fast forwarding…

Like 30 mins into the show, Chris Harrison just told me the most memorable women are here tonight.  I have to disagree>  99% of these bitches are wack.  This one “Ashley H.” who I like to call haggard 40-year-old J.Simpson, said she wanted to clear up the controversy about her entrance.  What controversy? All I remember about her is her forehead wrinkles. Sorray.  I do remember the crazy Cambodian bitch that said something in her native tongue about letting Jake get all up on her landing strip.  Skankkk!

Oh Michelle- errybody thinks she’s crazy

My favorite part of the show so far is the part about Tenley.  Gia said she “shits rainbows” and someone else said she looks like she fell out of a Disney movie.  Snausages says she thinks she dreams in cartoons.  This may the smartest thing lil Mz. Snaussy has ever said!

Ohhh the all hate Snausages.  This is not news. Haggard J Simps was really mad about that.  I wonder if she and Ali can get a 2 for 1 forehead botox special.  Faces like deez are the reason I do not tan.  I’m just sayinnnn…

Bla Bla Bla… Chris Harrison just told Elizabeth “You’re never as cool as you think you are” BURN.

It’s time to talk about HotRoz. DUN DUN DUNNNNN…

Gia says she didn’t sleep in their room. Haggard J. Simps says she witnessed mad cuddles (she’s jealous). The brown haired one who I don’t think I have ever heard speak called Jessie says that she heard something on the stairs and it was them makin out. OH SHIT. Ella Mae, the single mom (probs just Ella but she looks like an Ella Mae to me)says Rozzy said some pervy shit about “being put to bed” by the producer.  Sounds kinkalicious.  They should totes make Rozzy the next Bachlorette!

C.Harz is now talking to Gia and I don’t care so I’m gonna go walk around my apartment and do some other stuff that I deem infinitely more important than watching this ducklipped laday talk about looovin on Jakeypooz.

It’s time for MA GIRL MICHELLLLEEE!!! This bitch is so off the charts crazay and I love every second she’s on screen.  I take it back.  I don’t want Rozzy to be the next Bach, I want it to be Michelle! Imagine the insanity?  IT would be uh-maz-ing.  She just said certain people thought she was “the girl”. As in the girl FOR JAKE.  I’m assuming those certain people reside in different parts of her wackass brain.  OH well, she is nuts, everyone agrees but her, so we move on.

Ali’s up next and much like the coverage of GIA I will leave the room.  BTW all of that was only part ONE.  And I skipped parts and was bring brief.  WTFZ is wrong with these people!.  Part 2 to follow…

_________________________________

OH PARTE DOS

Ali. Mouse 2.0. gross. I refuse to watch her recapz picture in picture sad face and crying. Wah wah wah GO AWAY.  I’m going to fast forward AGAINNNNN> I just caught then end and C.Har is saying for the 5^th time how many fans Ali has.  Who are they? Where are they?  I want to talk to them real quick.

Up next Hot Rozzy.. dun dun dun

C.Harz keeps telling me ALL OF AMERICA WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT.  I’m going to have to respectfully disagree.  Haggard J.Simps just said OH MA GAHD when she walked out.  Presumably cuz she looks sexay as hale and doesn’t have wrinkles like haggardzlady does.

Anyway, Rozzy says nothing physical ever happened between her and “THE STAFFER”.  Chris Harrison is coming off like a mayjah dickface in this convo.  I feel bad for HotRoz, she may very well be lying but I really think her hotness is working against her cuz she looks like a hot lil seductress.   How come there is no footage of this alleged affair.  Aren’t there cameras around 24/7 to capture these hoes in their full glory?  Why couldn’t they capchya thissss!!! (Haggard J.Simps has such expressive facial ticks. Not sessy.  Another reason botox might be good fo her.  She is again, only 25.  YUCKO)

I’m tired of this Rozzy shit now. They cuddled.  Maybe they made out.  Who gives a shit, just kick her off the show and call it a day. Boooorrrrinnnggg. The one whose name I didn’t know (Jessie) just swore on her dog’s life cuz that’s the most important thing in her life. Big time LOLZ on that one. Puh-thetix. I’m ignoring the rest of this part bla bla bla… cept when Rozzy just snapped at C.Harz. I liked that shit. Somebody needed to knock him off his high bitchy horse.  OHHH DAYUM, ROZZY JUST SAID C.HARZ WAS HITTING ON THE STAFFER’S WIFE. BURNNNNNN!  (he hit back with some jesus shit about learning life lessons, bo-ring!)

OH OH OH HERE COMES JAKEYPANTZ.  I hit the snooze (aka google prince hot ginge for my friend and loyal reada ema-reeeee. Shout out EMA-REE!)  His heart was crying when he kicked out Gia (sobz) and he says Ali will always have a friend (barf).

Now they are showing outtakes.  None of which are making me laugh, only showing me that Jake’s an even bigger tool than I thought.  He didn’t know the difference between self deprecating and self-defecating AND he asked his bf C.HArz how he got his teef so white. But is he happy with his decision… Jake pauses and says with zero enthusiasm “Yes.  I’m Happy” which I am going to interpret as he picked SNAUSAGES, who he just called the risky, blunt, intense choice. How flattering!!

And that’s it.  UGH.  These hoes told me nothing!

So who will he pick??? Snausages or SqueakyMouse?! I can hardly contain my excitement (aka I don’t give a shit).  

All I can hope for now is that they make crazy Michelle the next Bachelorette- that is some shit I would tune in for.

womp.womp.

BAIIIIIIIII!!!

Somebody's gonna have a mayjah case of the sadz tonight and his name is Tyler Grady.  The idiot who showed up to rehearsal wearing ankle boots and a bathrobe got his ass handed to him by 'Merica tonight!  

I obvs couldn't agree more with the decision, but for some reason they also voted out the two hottayz-Janelle, aka the ladyfriend of Tim Tebow, my arch enemy and Ashley the pretty one who sang Leona Lewis! Thennn they hit me where it really hurts,  kicking away my lil pseudo mexicano, "Joe"!

Janelle, Ashley, and Jose were prettay good so I'm gonna be a little weepy knowing I am going to have to sit through weeks of that Hayley bitch (who spells her name HAELEAY or something), John Park, the Ajan, Toddrick Hall and Jermaine Sellers the rip-off Usher and Jamar <3 wannabes, respectively, andddd that little pre-teen Aaron twerp who looks like Q.T. from 2GETHER (RIP though QT fo realz)

We can all rest a little easier knowing this creature will no longer be spookin up your tvs 3 times a week! Goodnightz

Recapz: If your name’s not Andrew Garcia, kindly go fuck yaself!

Oh American Idol, how I have missed you.  I have to preface this and all American Idol postings with the boldfaced statement that I am obsessed with this shit.  Like in an unhealthy way.  So do with that what you will.  I missed the hot mess that was the Top 12 Girls yesterday because i was out trying to have a "social life", which coincidentally also failed miserably.  So now, I'm back to skewer the bros.  Here we go betches. 

Todrick Hall (I missed his back story video but I’m sure it was painful) singing Since You Been Gone… sounding like a hot fucking mess.  First the spoken lyrics that weren’t part of the actual song in the beginning, the weird warbley high-pitched thing, the leather fingerless gloves, this shit is horrible.  Failz.  See ya never Toddy!

The Judges Ruling…Simon, Kara, and Randy got it right the words murdering it, torture, and verging on stupid were used.

Aaron Kelly.  Oh gahdddd, a 16 year old who doesn’t know he’s a total homo just yet is here! Helloooo World!   It’s all like a dream bla la bla; I’ve heard this crap before. I have no idea what his prepubescent ass is singing, sounds country so I’m over it already.  Sweet hair gel and Nick Lachey moves though dude.

The Judges Ruling…Ugh they like this little tool.  Kara is talking too much as usual, but they all loooove him.  Oh and I’m pretty sure Seacrest just ragged on him for being a little man.  Homos in glass houses, Ryan…

Jermaine Sellers.  I already like this guy cuz he reminds me of Jamar from last year who didn’t even make it to the top 24, which is sad for two reasons- 1. I should not remember him and 2. He didn’t make it.  SADZ.  Hope Jermaine can represent for his fallen brothas (yeah that was pretty racist, sorrrray, i meant it in a good way!  Well he certainly looks like a fool with his jacket with tails and what I can only assume is a leather flower in his breast pocket.  He could be good I guess, but he’s screeching at me and I don’t appreciate it.

The Judges Ruling… Randy likes his threads dawg, but I’m feeling a table full of ehhhh from these 4.

Tim Urban.  Pretty cute and brought back from the dead after someone else got kicked off! Even with his doofy helmet hair, I feel like a younger me would have been in love with his ass  He hasn’t even started singing yet, but I really want him to be good.  Fingers crossed for this little gooba!  OH GOSH.  His high notes are making me cringe and judging by the faces he’s making they’re making him cringe too.  I hope he can stay around and sing something not so facking high pitched and gay cuz I will say it again- he is pretttyyy cute.

The Judges Ruling… Oh, Simon no likeyyyy. Ouchies.

Jose Munoz.  Hmm his little back story made me feel zippo so I typed nothing.  Boring.  He is singing one of my old favorite Jason Mraz songs “You and I Both” and you know what?  It doesn’t suck at all. It’s not great by any stretch, but it’s not terrible.  Meh, I’m surprised in the most boring way one can be. Oh well!  PS- They keep calling him Joe, and not Jose, looks like somebody’s running away from their Mexican roots! Ay dios mio papi!

The Judges Ruling…They seem to agree with my sentiment- he’s been the best so far but not the best ever.  Oh burn; Simon says we will all forget that performance in 10 seconds.  I already forgot what I was writing about! Moving on…

Tyler Grady. UGH.  This guy. Legit makes me feel queasy.  I honestly feel like if there were such a thing as “smell-i-vision” he would break it with his stench.  The kid looks stanky and like he is in need of many many showers.  He looks so slick, and not in a positive way.  His 70’s clothes and hair and copycat dance/shimmy moves up behind the microphone are just too contrived I can’t deal.  And god his chin is ginormous.  I’m sorry I know I’m being cruel, but yeesh. See it’s hard for me to even comment on the singing- I’m too distracted by all the rest (Simon’s face just told me he feels exactly the same way)!

The Judges Ruling…  Ohh they all agree with me.  He needs to drop the shtick and actually try to be a good singer.  My guess is he will not be able to do dat! Sorry!!

Lee DeWyze.  I am liking his Hollywood Week footage and his little knit cap.  I have high hopes for him based solely on that.  (I don’t like his accent though, something midwesterny I think).  Oh I’m swooning in the first 10 seconds of “Chasing Cars”.  I’m a sucker for a white boy with an acoustic guitar. The only things stopping me from loving him (in all CAPS) is that he bears a striking resemblance to a good friend of mine (that'd just be pervy)and as I was typing he had some pretty “pitchy moments dawg”

The Judges Ruling… Ellen thinks he was yelling a lil, which is true as all hale.  Randy and Kara say eh and Simon says he’s the besttttt! Woot woot!

John Park. The Asian duuude.  Hey now. WTF is he singing God Bless The Child?  I feel uncomfortable.  He’s got a little soul in him though and is getting better as the song goes on, but the Asian blow out  hairdo he’s rocking is mayjahly off-putting!  I cannot help it!

The Judges Ruling… Meh, they no likey. Borrrrringggg

Michael Lynch.  Big daddy with a guitar singing Maroon 5.  I can dig it!  This guy’s going to be in top 12 no matter what if for nothing else than his whole big loveable look and wife having the baby during Hollywood Week.  He’s just a likeable and memorable guy.  I don’t think he can win, but he is good, so that’s that.

The Judges Ruling… Too safe, but good bla bla bla wife had a baby, bla, ok we’re done.

Alex Lambert.  I had no idea who this lil dude with what appears to be a Florence Henderson circa the early Brady Bunch years haircut was until 2 minutes ago, but now I think I’m in love (minus the hair).  He told that crazy Mary bitch that he hated her- to her face- and now he’s singing James Morrison’s Wonderful World and I love it.  If they trim his hair a tad I will move from lowercase love to CAPS.

The Judges Ruling…Oouchiez. Simon hated the performance but says he has a good voice.  I have faith in this little nugget and Ellen just gave his mullet a shout out and compared him to an unripe banana. 

Casey James.   Aka the one who took his shirt off in his first audition.  Hmm he is cute, I guess, but I’m not a fan of the surfery/cowboy long hair thing.  He’s pretty good at singing though, which I guess is important, but he has a thing for Kara, which is an immediate black mark against him.  Fun fact, there must be a porn star with the same name cuz when I tried to find a picture of him I got a lot of big breasted ladies poppin up on my screen.  You’ve been warned.

The Judges Ruling…  They like him, Kara has a boner for real, Randy digs it, lezzie Ellen has a thang for the guy, even Si-Si is lovin on this broheim. 

Andrew Garcia…  They just mentioned his name and I immediately google his sweet ass rendition of Paula’s Straight Up.  This guy is just goooood and different and real.  I don’t even want to see his back story cuz I feel like they will find a way to cheese it up and this bro does not need that shit.  Ah, god I love him.  He’s singing a song I hate, by Fall Out Boy I think, but I love it anyway.  I just typed him into youtube and there are a bunch of videos of him singing with an asian girl, and if you can ignore her ass and just wait for our boy AG, you will be pleased, I promz.  Look here!

The Judges Ruling… Simon didn’t like it.  Bitch.  Ugh neither did the others! It don’t matter, AGarz’ chunky ass has my heart forever and ever.

OK So for the record,

My Faves:  AGarz (obvs), Michael Lynch and Alex Florence Henderson Lambert

My Hates:  Tyler Greasy Grady, Toddykinz Hall and Ze Ajen, John Park

If you don't laugh at this you have a probbbblem.

Usually I don't like watching other people hurt themselves, but this is a must see.  Trustttt me

http://www.comedycentral.com/tosh.0/2010/02/17/web-redemption-prom-girl/

Recapz: greyzanatanowyourewastingmytime.

Okkk I wasn’t going to blog about Grey's because it's really never as terrible as cross-eyed tranny Snausages of love aka the bachelor: on the wings of LOoooveee (you have to sing it like the song)... but tonight, 11 minutes in, I’m moved by the wowww...wtf reaction that has come over me.

It seems we have ourselves a flashback show, with no actual Grey’s flashbacks.  The Office did this a few weeks ago and while super disappointing after weeks off, at least featured some of my favorite Jim and Pam momentz).  Hot dayummmm.

But back to Grey’s…here we have some lecture bullshit, now featuring Callie O’Malley (aka Caliopie Torres) faking being nervous and dropping her note cards and a bogus Richard and Ellis Grey in the 70's being muchhh hotter than their present (or not, for dead ellis) looks would have suggested.

I guess a few years ago, Callie O’Malley wore more eye liner? Ok, fine. I guess that’s fair but that shit is weak.  Ellis Grey was not a sexy(ish) blonde girl in the 1970's.  I’m sorry, but I’m not buying it.  They look nothing alike.  I will not play dumb while they play "our lips our sealed" in the background- wrong decade people!

So, Lexie grey as a blonde, not so bad.  "Mandy" Bailey with the pink glasses and braids? SEXAY. Who is this cunty blonde doctor from the early 90's yelling at her?  Stupiddd bitch don’t know who she's messing with.  But seriously every time they flash to this 70's shit I’m getting angry.  OHHH excuse me, they’re not even in the 70's- they’re in 1982?! This just got even more ridiculous.  You don’t get a NEW FACE when you age stupid writers, you just get wrinkles. Jeezus. This is officially and already- at 18 minutes in- retarded.  UGH.  Here goes another 42 minutes of ma lyf down the drain...

OK bla  bla.. no AIDS in 1982, bla bla. Clearly, Pedro from The Real World has not waltzed into the living rooms of America just yet.  (Apparently this was not until the 90’s). What a shame.  Pedro was a fox and I recall thinking that at the ripe old age of 9, which means its 100000% true.  RIP Pedro :( 

Anywayyy back to the show, I’m still watching, it still sucks.  We have Bailey in pink glasses with the woman I believe to be the mother from the cinematic masterpiece "It Takes Two" starring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (I will imdb this shit on the commercial break).

Callie O'Malley is still pretending to be nervous, and I’m still not even close to loving it.  Give me some flashbacks with Burke and George and even my most hated- Izzay.  Hell at this point I would accept that scary lezbot Erika Hahn!  She scared me on “Weeds” when she tried to take out Nancy Botwin, I would at least like to see her bitchface in these flashbacks. UGH.

OK, so the Indian guy with the Gumby legs wants to walk and flashback Callie O’Malley with the extra eyeliner is feelin itttttt. More to come on that noise in a bit.   More shitty 1982 flashbacks are coming.  Flashback baby Meredith looks like Suri Cruise on an acid trip and Meredith’s alchie dad Thatcher looks like he is wearing a Halloween costume.  Oooh "GRID" guy is back.  Looks like someone has been playing with African monkeys from OUTBREAK or hanging with dudes in an intimate way and contracted the HIV (pronounced hiv, not h.i.v).  Sidenote, wasn’t Patrick Dempsey the original carrier in Outbreak, getting all those people sick on the plane?! *Update* He was!!! And his name was Jimbo haha. DISGUSTING.

*Commercial Break*

The Bachelor "Women Tell All" is going to be DICEYYYY. Rozlyn’s back and is gon' get it!  She had her butt in the air (says the southern single mom whose name I’ve forgotten).  Oh hale yeah. Will anyone bring up mousey's divorce sob-story, or Snausage's skanky past (she dated motherf'in HOWIE from the Backstreet Boys)

Anyway back to the show, more boring shit.  Ellis and Richard are a woman and a black man treating a guy with AIDS in 1982. How scandalous.  Karev and Callie O’Malley are now talking on stage together about this pseudo flashbackcrap.  Mizz Mandy's up there yapping about something bla bla... hit the books...is this a public service announcement?  This is weeeeakkk sauce, pink glasses Mandy B!  Oh god.  She’s crying.  Joe the bartender still works at Joe's in flashback world and is looking exactly the same but with longer hair? this is really insulting ma intelligence. (ps remember when he was "my big fat obnoxious fiancee"?  no?  just me?) 

*so the bitchy blonde flashback doctor is not who I thought she was. Her name is Missi Pyle (to the left, to the left), which is terrible. I now care even less! Massive apologies to this bitch on the right, Elaine Hendrix, who at least had the privilege of working with a pre-crackhead Lindsay Lohan.  Lucky lady!!

OK Sowwy. This show just sucks.  We're being forced to watch baby Miranda Bailey in pink glasses and bad hair yell just like she does now.  Don’t care. Call me when its over....

OK ew.  The Karev and Callie sex shit?  Gross.   Can we go over who this bitch has banged? by my count I have Sloane, George, Erica, Arizona, and apparently Karev.  Anyone I’m missing?  SKANK.

Ugh ok 3 minutes left and I’m pretty sure Richard’s reciting me the Hippocratic oath or some shit.  AIDS guy dies…Everyone at the lecture looks pensive, gives a standing ovation.  Breaking News: The hot black(ish) guy from Mercy West is still really hot. Yumz.

Ellis makes Richard start drinking.  I knew she was a home wrecking huss from the get go, but now we know fo sho, she’s a life ruiner, via the sauce.  And godddd I still do not care.  Ughhhhh another hour of my life is gone cuz of this crap.  Seriously.  That’s it.  That’s all they gave.  Craptasticccc!  Peazeout!

Recapz: The Bachelor: The Final Four (Again)

Jake and his army of skanks have returned to entertain and embarrass the viewers, but so many questions remain unanswered.  Will Ali leave her 8 by 10 glossy pics of Jake (like printed right from ABC’s website) on her bedside table and come back to his homolicious embrace?  Will Tenley stop sucking on helium before she goes on camera and squeaking about being a divorcee? Will Vienna Snausages crawl back to the hooters from which she came?  Will Gia ever visit a speech therapist to take care of whatever the fuck is wrong with the way she talks? Will Jake ever man up and admit that his saying he wants the girls to “open up completely” is really just code for “take off ya pants bitch!?”?  Let’s see…

GIA- Gia’s a fox but this is not going anywhere.  It’s clear from how he talks about her ass that she’s done and he just wants to get with her in the fantasy suite to say he banged a model (he is Mr. Dateless, after all), but for real she IS really good looking (especially in the body department, no lezzo), but Jakeypoo asked Tenley’s dad if he could marry her, signed a deal with the devil to court skanky Snausages, and apparently still has a boner for that whiny Ali, so her chances are looking slim to me! Right now they’re in a Jacuzzi surrounded by rose petals and candles and I feel nauseous and these two pretty idiots are off!

Sorry Gigi, but even your blog recaps are getting dominated by the other girls.  Back to dating professional athletes with real money for you!

More commercials threatening me with Tenley’s squeaky virginal song and dance (homegirl you been MARRIED already give it up), Snausages skankin it up, and Ali whining into the phone.  Poor Gia, her teeny bit of camera time has run out.

TENLEY- She arrives right on cue, hopping around, squeaking like the little ballerina mouse that she is.  So happy bla bla bla.  These two look like brother and sister. Maybe the most shocking finale EVER will reveal these two drips are really brother and sister.

Perverts.  Anyway, they’re back in a plane for the 50th time this season and captain Jakeypantz is not flying, but he is talking to her in the little headsets.  HOW NEAT, if you are 8 years old.   

Now they’re “exploring” and going into the water and Jake says he wants to know if she will open her heart up aka if she will shut up and put out!  (Jake sorry to break it to you, but probably not.  US Weekly told me she withheld sex from her ex husband when they were married on the regula!!)  Barf. She just used the phrase “making my heart smile”. And now “I hope there’s a lifetime of dancing”. Vomit. Then he said, “every time we kiss I feel like I'm running on the treadmill” aka “I have a big time boner”.   This pretend virginal lil ballerina mouse just said yes to the fantasy suite before he could even finish the invitation.  And that she lovessss dessert which is false, as she weighs a whoppin 82 lbs. But Jake finds her morals and values SEXAY so cue the sappy music. 

VIENNA- Behold! Snausages is here in all her skanky glory! Being immature and fun and lovin life aka being a slut!  She has a very classy tattoo on display and the two are all giggly and licking each other’s faces (seriously) and walking the plank while the geniuses over at ABC decided to set the mood by playing an orchestral version of ON THE WINGS OF LOVVVEEEE while Jakeygirl and Snausages make out on a giant pirate shit (ship but I'm leavin it).

She’s really skankin it up.  They’re making out on the beach and I see tongue and I feel sick.   Jake says he’s looking for substance with Snausages and I would like to tell him he’s probs not gonna find it between her fake bubbies, but dammit if he’s not gonna keep trying!  Snausages is one homegirl he’s not gonna have to ask to go to the fantasy suite, bitch has already been there and left her toothbrush. But hey at least she’s owning her slutdom!  She’s yapping at dinner and my god, she sounds dumb.    But Jake’s asking her about what kind of rings she likes?! WTF is going on?  She just said she’s falling in love with him and, shockakahn, he says nothing, but plants a big one on her and then says he loves that she told him that.  If that’s not a burn I don’t know what is.  Snausages can hardly read the fantasy suite invitation out loud, but by god she is GOING TO GO THERE.   More roses and candles!  Vienna “reeeeaaalllyyyy” wants alone time aka is going to seal the deal once and for all.  She comes out with a white satin nightie to show Jake her "other side".  Bitch is gon' get hers and lock that camera crew out. Ta ta!

Commercials are here again and the threats of ALI are upon us, so she’s gonna get her own section whether she comes back or not.   I’m hoping the shot of Jake saying “come back right now” is all just clever editing cuz I can’t handle that shit.

ALI- Wowww, the phones ringing Jakey! Wonder who it is! OG (our girl, not original gangsta) Jakey answers the phone all confused like he doesn’t know this shit is coming.  Ali whines that she’s a mess right now and she knows she made the wrong choice (as do the producers since they are filming her in full makeup for this phone call)!  If I met this girl in real life, I honestly think I would punch her in the face and I’m not even the violent type. Ali needs to chill the F out and get some botox in those forehead lines of hers. 

Jakeypants is clearly having a hard time reading his cue cards cuz he is stuttering and doesn’t know if he can let her back in (not your call buddy).  She gon’ cry!!! And so is Jakeypantz! Oh noooo.  This whole exchange is making me miss the subtle charms and understated elegance of Miss Snausagez!   DUN DUN DUN!!! Ali you faker!! He said no and she doesn’t even tear up?!  Not a single tear (until her confessional where she loses it and looks a hot mess doing so) Cameraho, you’re time is UP.  Peace bitch!

So we have 30 mins left for Jakeypantz to ponder his decision shirtlessly.  Chris Harrison will return to remind us that one of these women will be his WIFE. Either way, it’s looking like the final two will be the maybe blood relative, born again virgin queen, Tenley and a skank of some sort (one nice, Gia, and one probably diseased, Snausages).

Oh good, they’re going to recap the entire episode I just watched, but this time in fuzzy warmly lit fantasy vision. 

Mmmm…here come the video messages:

Tenley: I’m falling in love with you, squeak, I adore you, squeak, I wanna have your baby, squeak, dancing forever, squeak, byebye!

Gia: I can’t open up, I’m falling in love with you, check out my cleavage, I hope we have more time to grow, look at my cleavage, bye!

Snausages:  Hi sweetheart (seriously), you’re the man of my dreams, I want to flirt with you for the next 80 years, I’m in love with you, I wanna be your wife! (reading between the lines this translates roughly to" if you don’t pick me I will kill you and whoever beats me)

Rose Ceremony:

Tenley first! Squeaksqueaksqueak!!!  These two can have crinkly nosed vanilla love forever!

UGH SNAUSAGES LIVES TO SEE ANOTHER DAY!!!  Jake must have a death wish and not like his peen very much to be kicking off the model hottie Gia in favor of Princess Snausages.  What a tard.  Jake says it was not easy.  Gia’s pisssssed (but maybe just bought herself a spot as the next Bachelorette). 

More to come next week when The Women Tell All.  I cannot wait for the return of crazy Michelle!  Homegirl is UNSTABLE!!  Enjoy!

Nerd Alert

Nothing Warms A 

Nerdy Heart

Like Some 
Sexy Presidents.

Cha welcome.