THE.BIGGEST.MISTAKE.OF.HER.LIFE!!!!!

well let me start off by apologizing to emily and the wingster as they have been patiently awaiting this betchy post.  i must also apologize to my homegirl ducklips (gia) because ABC is showing a little of the last few episodes and they told her giving the rose to wes last week was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE.  no jkz.  the biggest. mistake. of. her. life!!!!! oh gahd!

in the preview of whats coming up in this episode, the highlights are melty face nikki gets cornered for saving kiptonyte, he shows us he has a surrrrrious bald spot when he dips his head down, sweet and sour chicken would kiss everyone in the house for "like 20 bucks!" and sweet sweet gia is crying cuz she had to partake in a skanky kissing contest and said she thought this show would be innocent (could that be the biggest.mistake.of.her.life?) and she didnt think everyone was going to turn into pornstars.  idiot.  also, do we think ABC provides these cast members with fun size packs of valtrex after contests like this?  juzt wondering and if not they should.  oh yes and gia also says wes is the modern day shakespeare- but better! and cuter! ima punch this bitch in the collagen!

so right away, meltychinz is in the hot seat and ducklips is calling her out.  i zoned out looking for pictures of meltychinz only to find one of her in which two chins and half a neck was airbrushed out orrr miss thangz went on a crazy detox before picture day. 

am i right or am i right?  bitch's neck and chin now look like they are swaddled in several flesh colored snuggies...(see the bottom of the page...)

ANYVAZE...while i was zoning out i managed to pick up on a few things.  giasweetie is really upset about this kissing competition cuz she has a boyfriend back at home. the weatherman is excited cuz they will be blindfolded (he said it, not me, lil pervert) and now i look up and wrinkles mcgee is making moaning noises as all the men kiss her.   her complexion looks like a delicate mix between sand paper, sun spots, and beef jerky. am i wrong?

remember she told jakeypoo she wouldnt kiss him!  hahaha the weatherman is going at her with his little slippery tounge and made elizabeth say she "just realized how gross this is" just now?  one guy who i still don't know (KOFAX I THINK! muhaha) says that it will be fun to kiss some girls but it will be a struggle to kiss others (NIKKI WE'RE LOOKING AT CHU).  nameless faceless peyton goes.  no one cares.  gwen makes a very yucked out face when weatherman kisses her.  or was that an excited face cuz she is getting some action finally?  maybe the latter...faceless ashley bows out cuz "money cant buy her the respect of her students". lame.  skanky natalie kung pao chickenz is a slut.  nikki is gross. krissily povich looks like she is harboring some diseases in her tongue ring hole.  and no i dont know for sure if she has one so back uppppp.  squeaky mouse steps up and she says she started out giggling.  bringing out the virginal jig again are we princess squeaksalot?  as my strumpet (sounds classier) idol, joan holloway once said "Peggy, this is isn't China. There's no money in virginity" suck it tenleyz.  and SICK BURN.  she loves number 3's kisses and whoa shockz it was kypton! gag me.  now its gia's turn and her collagen is out to play.  all the guys are really respectful to her and dont try to slip her the tongue.   true gentlemen AMMIRIGHT!? 

HAHAHA squeaky tenley says she has to win the rose so she puts on her game (ho) face and starts mackin on the first blind folded dude, making sweet and sour chicken proud, which says it all right there.  when you make the town bicycle proud, you are a true skank among skanks!  just an aside elizabeth is really aggressive and sticking her tongue down the throats of all the men.  also gia must be tiny short or these guys are just giants cuz she can hardly reach their MOUFZ.  so she drops out with tears and restalyne all over.  weatherman like this too much.  the interview is shot from the chest up but i swear i can see his boner from here.  ps i love the 70's porn music they play when elizabeth goes up.  she is such a skankho.  weatherman might be a scrawny nerdbomber but he can smell a skank from a mile away saying he needs cold showers after sweet and sour and gramma wrinkles. meh heh heh wes is a germaphobe! HAHAHAHA he just said tenley was "sloppy", sweet and sour was "violent" , faceless peyton's was "nice" and dry lol.  wes doesnt like it when a laday goes in for the attack unless he's absolutely hammered.  i am starting to see the appeal of this broheim. 

weatherman thinks he's gonna win. lolz.  david wins anddd...PEYTON WINS!!! HAHAH

for the very first time, peyton ladies and gentlemanz!!

it's amazing to hear her speak for the first facking time.  she has a thick southern accent! who knew! ashley thinks she can get a rose still by being taken on this date.  not gonna happen loser! david takes CHINZ, KRISSILY and her snooki bump hairdo, and sweet and sour skank on a date to vegas.  i am quite confident i can fast forward through this whole thing. krissily is defz wearing a BUMP-IT! and nikki is suckin it in under several layers of SPANX i guarantee you this. i am fast forwarding this whole date after natalie says she's always wanted to go to a "nude pool".  who's fucking dream is a nude pool?  even with my fastforwarding i catch glimpses of her skankdom when they have to blur out her naked chest.  this makes me feel itchy...(and she gets the rose from dave on the date and gets to stay in the "villa" with him (insert more porn music) while he chucks chinz and krissily to the curb.  skankz always prevail! am i supposed to believe these two dont bang immediately after the cameras leave cuz i do notz. also instead of those night vision cameras they should invest in those heat sensor ones cuz i bet sweet and sour's nether regions would make it spontaneously combust.

hay now.

Peyton (i guess i have to call her by her name now) picks KOFAX, KYPTONZ, and JESSE B.  squeakymouse is mad she picks balding kryptonite.  weatherman is sad.  wompwompppp. i wish craig m was here to laugh at him with me! pour one out for my fallen homie :( 

HAHA dave and sweet and sour are a couple now and gotta keep it under wraps!  no one's buying that you fell asleep in your clothes tho guys. surriously.  squeaky pants goes to surprise kyptonz in bed to snuggle before his date with peyton and he pretty much gives her the BITCH HALE NAW face and goes back to sleep. again BURN.  im starting to get a real fatal attraction vibe from senorita squeakz. so peyton, jesse b, and KOFAX go to some drag racing place, i fast forward cuz none of this is remotely interesting and i only JUST passed the 1 hour mark. 
 

derrr

the other guys ask elizabeth if she's jealous and homegirl says no! then promptly loses her shit in the confessional.  kofax and kryptonite both lie and say there's nothing between their respective sluts (wrinkles and tenley duh).  jesse b says sweet and sour is not the type of girl he's looking for (aka he's not looking to get the clap).  peytonmeister (almost like leighton meester!) picks jesse b.  he sounds very dumb but yes he is dreamy as peyton says.  oh oh they seem like they are starting to like each other.  but i don't get the skank vibes so jesse b and gonna get nuffin.  

hahahaa! KOFAX says "elizabeth is ruining everything for me".  she is really fucking nutso.  she says she likes that he is struggling (then does and evil laugh).  he better dump her ass. 

gia and wes are on the couch and she's coyly biting her collagen injections, and wes vows to keep her ass in. he says sweet things to her.   not even creepy, cheesy sweet things, real actual sweet things. GAH I SEE THE APPEAL DAMMIT.  methinks i have a new favorite player... WESLEY BABY COME EEEER!

oh creepy i just actually thought in my head "i hope they date".  it is official my brain turned to mush at the 1 hour and 24 minute mark. fmlz.  40 more to go?!?

wes is getting really feisty with people threatening people to vote for his lady in waiting GIA and he says if kyptonite doesnt keeps her in, elizawrinkles will be going home. YES MAN DEAR GOD!! ps i just caught a glimpse of queen of the botox darkness gwen, i havent seen her all night!

things are not looking so good for ze weatherman. as gramma wrinkles says "i dont think he's funny. i don't think he's cute"  probably the only thing she has ever said that i agree with.  bitches are also voting for koFAX it seems.  wes continues his SAVE GIA campaign and angers everyone by saying to vote for wrinkzmcgee.  im scared my new fave is making himself vulnerable! please don't go the way of craig m wessidoll!!  

melissaTEEFrycroft is here looking oh so MARRIED (in yo faces losers!). kiptonite's bald spot is dying for a starring role on this show as it makes yet another appearance.  good luck with that squeaky mouse. ok heeeeeere we go with the votingz!

ashley: safe 

kiptynite: safe

squeakyqueen: safe (ugh she fucking CURTSEYED)

chins: safe

queen of the darkages of botox: safe

MA BOO WES: safe

krissily "you are not the father" bumpit: safe

it's down to weatherman and koFAX and gia and gramma wrinkles...

SEE YA WEATHERMAN! kofax is safe.  THERE IS AN EFFING TIE between ducklips and gramma wrinks and david has to break the tie.  im actually really impressed that wes' trickery went this well!  i'm even more proud of him now <3  david chooses my sweet sweet duck lips to go home and beef jerky forehead is saved.  gia looks extra sparkly and pretty tonight.  our love hate relationship is over again... for nowwww..

well that's all.  i was gonna leave you with this picture of the foxy CHRIS HARRISON. next week looks MAD dramatic.  lots of tears and fighting just the way i mothafackin like it!

but i decided i would leave you with a real treat to haunt your dreams.  

I GIVE YOU.  NIKKI AND HER CHINZ!!!!!!!!!!! (i know i am going to hell, sowwy)

anddddddd GOODNIGHT!!!