HouseHoes! HouseHoes! Errywhere!!!

OK so there is a new batch of househoes on the block and they are in DC.  i can hardly move my fingers fast enough, this show is just chock full of the good shit.  i cannot handle it.  

there's been one episode so far and here are our players: the sassy black lady (stacy) who likes to talk about Obama and likes to bring RACE into every discussion, the successful independent 50ish career woman with a giant black boyfriend named Ebong (lynda), the famewhoring one and her husband who crashed the white house dinner last year(michaele and tareq), a pretty boring mom of five effing kids who keeps telling us that "in DC" shit is like this... i want to punch her (mary), and last but not least a feisty british mega betch (cat) who was rumored to have hooked up with PRINCE HOT GINGE!!

we start off with cat, the british bitch "writing her book" but it looks like her editor is typing it,so she is not writing jack shit, but i dont care cuz like i said i love this bitch and errythang that comes out of her mouth!

next, ze black folks, stacy and husband i dont know his name chillin with their pals at the "only black vineyard" who had their wine served by OBAMA (Obama tally #1) once.  then the famewhores to end all famewhores michalelala and tareq show up in a goddamn white stretch limo at the vineyard in fancy clothes.  like where are they going, prom?  i hate them with a visceral passion.  the black lady tells us you cant be in DC and not be involved in politics, its just how they do it there.  oh really?  thanks for the tip stace!  anyway, then she axes famewhores 1 and 2 what they think of...OBAMA!! (#2)  tareq goes first and sounds like he is reading off a cue card trying to impress some grown ups with some shit about israel and palenstine but then MICHALELA starts yammering, literally makes no sense at all and offers this gem of obama, "he tries to pull everybody together, the red and the blue, and make it red white and blue."  she looks very proud of herself, like a toddler doing their very first poopoo in the potty, the black husband is all like WTFZ in the confessional. 

they then talk about the black guy's brother (im sorry i just dont know his name, don't judge me my one slovenian reader) is a huge rap star in paris and how they should all go. totes! cuz anyone can just go to paris on a whim like that.  i used to live there once. ze french did not like me much.  i wonder whyyyy!

NOW we move on to my second favorite betch.  LYNDA.  i have to applaud her for not overdoing the botox in the forehead, but bitch's face looks like its pulled on TIIIIGHT and her neck was left out of all the fun!  

she owns a modeling agency and like i mentioned before has to be pushing 50 if not older, likes her booze and dates a giant dark black man named EBONG. she's my favorite kind of bitch cuz she talks about how michalelala is anorexic and looks "unwell" after telling their mutual (and mandatory for all bravo reality shows) gay best friend that he should feed her a burger and fries and this makes me do the real time lolz cuz she pretends this is said out of genuine concern. homegirl who you tryna fool?  it should also be noted that everyone on this show pronounces the names "michaele and tareq" differently.  some say "mi-kayle", some say "mikayla" and "tar-ek" or "tear-ek".  lynda calls them Michaela and TarK.  i feel like she does this to make them less fancy cuz she is bitter that michalealalaa used to be a makeup artist and former model (hellllo is mickaalya friends with the discountess, luann?! she should be!)

so stacy and husband are packing for paris as are the famewhores *their names are too hard to spell ughz* and the female famewhore has 5 bags.  how funny! such shenanigans! so many shoes! oh michealala you're just sooo carrie bradshaw! no but seriously, STFU!!!  i am going to follow lynda's lead and call this asshole TARK.  hate you guys!

anyway, stacy's husband and she discuss how they are surprised the Famehoes are actually going to come to paris, then he says... "it's the OBAMA(#3) era, it's the OBAMA era (#4)!" this show must be infuriating for republicans. 

lynda and cat meet and are wearing furry poofy vests and order some chardonnay from and unseen slave type in lynda's crib.  you cant see "robin" but she is beckoned in a sugary sweet condescending tone...anddd stealing my heart again lynduhhhh).  Cat's book is about how she and her husband (who she is now divorced to in real life. sadz) were both actual whores and cheated on their old spouses with each other and shitttt.  how scandalous!

boring mary quite contrary and boring husband (who was voted very stylish last episode i think? i could be wrong i may have been drunk- getting inspiration from miss lynda!!) have lunch and bore me talking about parties  and mary's new highlights. they show a clip for the third time of the fight between lynda and michalelala from last episode when she calls her an ano.  i dont give a fack, im on lynda's side let's move on. 

cat is in her house with her kids JADE and RUBY (this makes me laugh that they are named after gemstones and shit, i dont know why its killin me)and her fancy photog husband is there and he is going away again for work AGAIN. wompity wompz.  his name is charles (pronounced, CHAAAHHLES) and i like the way she says it.  there is wine being drunk in this scene too and i feel like it's the morning or at the very latest, early afternoon. what are these bitches trying to do to me? cat is bitching about how she only has had 6 hours of sleep each night (which is what i get everyday, so shut it sweetie 6 is pretty good) "whilst he has been swanning around".  BURN. everything sounds nastier coming out with a british accent.  

stacy and JASON (!! i know his name) arrive in par-eeee and he speaks a little french.  it gives me a boner cuz he says something in french and then follows it up with a ghetto explanation about how he is doing his darndest not to butcher their language!  TARK and micahelaial show up and TARK acts like a dick and they try to one up each other about their knowledge of paris and have a bottle of dom perignon. more alcohol in this scene my god, i'm getting the itch.  

gay bff paul. hey now

i fastforward an entire scene with mary talking to gay bff paul on speakerphone in her house filled with flowers and family photos and no alcohol.  there is some water on the table wtf.  kick this bitch off she clearly did not come ready to PLAY.

back to paris! i think the brother in law rapper's name is "B-ASSAILANT" aka adam.  the assailant vs. adam is lolworthy. surprisingly,  he is pretty good rapping and their are actual people in the crowd.  this is no "social life magazine cover".  his music makes michaielala dance like an asshole of course.  TARK also jumps up and down and sweats all over the place and lets loose.  JASON is quickly making a play for the cold place where by heart is supposed to be.  everytime he does his little solo interview he says something funny and this time he tells me "it was gettin all euro up in there" cuz michaleala was trying to "dance all up on stacy".  i dont know what that means and i've been to europe but, ah jason, <3 you and your brother b-assailant can get all euro with me any day. 

bravo is trying to put me to sleep by showing mary again.  but WAIT! her little daughter is telling her about SEXTING.  i dont know how old she is but i love her cuz when her mom says she's not ready for her to be hearing about this, the daughter retorts and i quote, "you're the one who put me in public school." fucking LOVE IT.  (this just adds to my belief there should be a "children of the housewives: the next generation" show in like ten years, starring GIA, MILLANIA, and the other one of teresa "no forehead" guidice's kids, the damaged youngest daughter of prostitution whore danielle staub, NOEL (son of countess luann), ally zarin, and kelly bensimon's spawn, SEA and TEDDY.  how amazing would that be?) 

*ps mary was drinking wine in this scene and the kid looked like she was eating breakfast so game on.

FABULOUSSSS!

ANYVAZE we move on...cat is doing a photo shoot for her new book and they want it to be very sex and the city and she doesnt like it. in her confessional she talks about how chaaahles was away so he couldnt do the shoot for her and she sounds like shes spitting some mayjah venom in his general direction.  but guess who shows up? CHAHLES! they go to the subway (i've been there ZOMG!) to shoot her in a leopard coat and many louis vuitton bags.  it's all very jill zarin and not in a good way. *being very jill zarin is never meant in a good way.

and we're back in paris again.  i want them to go to where i lived but it is not fancy enough for them.  michaelala is wearing what appears to be a  camel colored-full body-leather jumpsuit.  like the kind mechanics wear, but made of LEATHER.  where would one even fucking find that shit?  ugh.  anyway, stacy starts talking about serious shit, how she was adopted and im trying to care but my icy cold heart just doesnt cuz i am captivated by the suit...  all i want is to punch michaele in the face.

ugh. mary is old and she just said ted and jason (more gays) are her BESTIES.  she is over the age of 12 so saying "bestie" is not acceptable. she knows some key players or some shit and they cheers to their party with MORE FUCKING ALCOHOL. one of the gay friends has a shaved head and bleached eyebrows.  he looks like POWDER! (what a great film).

all the other broads show up and stacy reminds us she doesnt like cat cuz she thinks shes racist from last episode and here is why: cat doesnt like tyra banks and does like george bush.  seriously, thats why. lynda and her neck arrive and ze neck is out in full force tonight as she gets her hair did.  it should be noted michaelaalaaia looks nearly identical to my arch nemesis of the universe, the uber hateful conservative bobblehead,  ANN COULTER.  (fun fact i once saw a life sized ann coulter cardboard standee in a barnes & noble and i seriously considered punching it and knocking it over.)

right?

stacy and cat make some fake chatty chats.  lynda and cat love each other and agree the food is "revolting" again it sounds much meaner coming out of her mouf.  lynda makes a little cheers and says cat is the new "soul sister" and that (ACCIDENTAL RACISM ALERT) if stacy can sing "we'll let you be diana ross".  stacy gives a prompt OH HALE NAW YOU DID NOT/YOU BETTA AXE SOMEBODY/CUZ I WILL CUT A BITCH face.  there's another black lady there who makes a comment about how stacy is just the "token black girl" to them and this makes cat MAD and say more mean things in british.  did i mention she is wearing a feather boa throughout this? well she fuckin is. 

**OH DAYUM, stacy's birth mother might be Caucasian the commercial tells me! so this racism fight thats maybe about to happen might not be necessary. muhahaha** 

ps the gay mutual friend is too much.  he's black and has long flat ironed blonde hair.  hahaha cat calls him COLORED which is not ok in america but again its awesome.  

TARK starts talking about how michaelala has gained weight (20 lbs?  that's roughly 1/4 of her current stock) since she met him and says she eats more than he does.  people are getting fed up with this including gay friends paul and powder.  cat also says that only her daughters would have been impressed by the horrible white stretch limo.  meh heh heh.

omg what a let down, it's over! no fights! no nothing! the way i feel right now is what i would imagine is the female equivalent of blue balls.  

see you next week when hopefully someone will pull somebody else's extensions out or somefing. ta ta!

baiiiiiii!