I May Have Quit The HouseHoes...

but i cannot quit EBONG!!!!!!

No Likey?

so i watched a little of the vmas yesterday, mostly the preshow, but i'm told that people did not like this cuz they were all like omg its BLACKFACE!!(also no likey for gaga's meat dress i suppose). must i remind everyone that will.i.am already has a black face? so he wants to be blacker?  f all y'all.  you don't see any whiteys breaking down snooki's door for trying to change herself into an oompaloompa do you?  NO you do not.  so leave Will.I.Am alone and get back to being offended by Roger Sterling or something.

 i have more important things to get to, watching the end of the BACHELOR PAD!!!!!!!! woot woot!

I Seez Me A Celeb! Russell Brand Edition

OY MATE!!  Today I saw Russell Brand on the mean streets of midtown (sans scraggly aldous snow beard and with surprisingly clean looking hair) riding his bike with some dude. Thatz all!

PS- yesterday i saw TYNE DALY.  you're welcome fellas

meowwww.

BOLLOCKS DAHLING!!!

Some of The Gang, In Happier Timez... RIP Powdie... Cat...I will miss you...       The rest of you can fack off! Gooznight!

well well.  i only just posted about the herpes infested pad of bachelors last night and now i am back to chat about the househoes of DC.  i was on the fence about whether i would do it now or wait a few nights and give myself a break, but 30 seconds in a see lynda and her neck in an apron cooking bacon with her 3 kids in ridic onesie pajamas but most importantly giant african EBONG is there as well.  andddd im sold!

nomnomom

lynda is cooking up some thick juicy slabs of bacon that looks strikingly similar to the cracklins on her neck.  just for the record, i am not obsessed with necks (hay nikki!) i just happen to watch shows graced with these beauties.  lynda is pissing me off.  im not really feelin her no mo.  she is starting to look for and more crypt keepery to me erryday! sorray baboo!

ok here is stacy...we learn that not so shockingly (since she is a strong black woman and all) she went to howard university, then two seconds later after they are talking about their step team song, that shockingly (seriously) HOMEGIRL'S BIRTH MOM IS WHITE! she doesnt even say white she says Caucasian.  MOMMA WAS GERMAN?! well this is going to cause some problems with her whole identity.  pops is nigerian.  they were in the peace corps.  he was a teacher and knocked her mom up! OY TO THE VEY! she wants to know who her peoples are (she said it, man).  im sorry i want to make so many white jokes. 

but we move on to mary mary quite con-i'm sleeping.  she is helping some guy named ted launch his saloon! hahahahha wait she just said some people call washington "hollywood for ugly people".  i dont even have anything to say to that it's so right on the money and she said it not me!! oh christ skinny bag of bones enters squealing and jumping around. OMG also POWDER is there!!! oh mary no likey...micahelala is sponsoring the event but she feels like she did all the work.  god she is so anorexic (word up lynda).   mary is jealllousssss!!! she calls out her queen friend ted who she kisses on the mouth that she saw him talking to michelallawhore and she does not like it.  POWDER IS HIS HUSBAND!!! gah my head just exploded all over the tv room.  

cat the bitch is here and she is mocking mary to her face when she says hello.  she then says, to her fucking face, "im kind of over all you americans with your three month holidays" referring to her tan.  TO HER FACE. bitch has got balls of steel and an icy cold cavern where her heart should be. 

michaelalaslut is back- she has told like 50 people she loves them so far like 15 minutes in. marymary is gulping some red wine. TARK is here in a white suit looking like a smug cockhead! sorry but its trueeeeee.  every shot of them they are like 6 inches away from the camera lens, so close you can see the spotlight and fucking boom mic in the reflections off their shiny ass heads.  im jus sayin yalllll!!!

oh so here we go with mary's kids and she is talking to her daughters, including LOLLY about her new job.  she is an executive assistant.  big whoop guys i am an assistant too it ain't that difficult and it's certainly not a whole lot to be proud of. anyfart, mary is mad dead-eyed in this segment and that's all. 

well michaelala calls the brit bitch cat to invite her to a grape stomping.  cat once again brings her magical bitch game to the forefront saying fine she will go to michelaleael stupid grape stomping event but she wants to bring a few friends AND she wants to know if they are going to be allowed to drink wine or if they will only be serving beer again.  ouchhhhies.  i dont know if michelaelal is so dumb she doesnt see how this is a nasty jab at her or if she's just not used to this level of cuntiness.  either way she deserves it and cat has a hold on my heart. 

mary, god is she boring.  she and her dead eyes (and the burberry blanket she is trying to pass off as as a poncho) bring cat and POWDER to a furniture store where she announces she is painting her living room HIGH GLOSS BLACK.  stop the music. stop everything you're doing. did you hear that? black!! yeah i dont care either.  ugh these shows.  cat is there in her fur collar (lovezit) making bitchy comments left and right and upsetting mary. she wants modern furniture-all black and white and uncomfortable looking- to feel warm and sexy.  POWDER says it will only be warm and sexy if "you're the dude from the american psycho movie".  well done POWDIEZ! him and cat cackle at her to her face.  i think we have a front runner for co-HBIC (head bitch in charge, if you're slow- and co because cat is the one and only HBIC especially cuz she says dahling after her nasty comments. i getz chillz.

POWDIEZ is telling them a story about how tark and michealeala invite him and his black husband to the black caucaus dinner which mary reminds cat (who already prolly knows, thank you very much) that this is like the most important event for the african american community.  STFU MARY! gahd.  anyway powdiez says they didnt even have tickets for them really, and snuck them right in and stole other people's seats! DAYUM that is ballsy.  mary isnt pissed because of this scandalous behavior she is pissed that her main gays are sneaking into parties with these two famewhores.   apparently the famewhores got escorted out of the black caucaus dinner by the secret service (but then got back into the VIP area) mary and her sun damaged skin like the word cat chose (duh)- brazen.  so we use dat. SHAZAAM!

so errybody but lynda and EBONG are going to the vineyards and stacy (she of half white origins heh) are curious about what this joint is going to look like in relation to their friends' vineyards.  cat is wearing fur again of course, and she brought POWDER.  this is a power couple if i have ever seen one!!! POWDER & CAT 4EVA!!

michaelalala and tark are at the vineyard hired private security to the vineyard that his mom tried to legally kick him off of.  that says something right there.  his momma dont even like him! michealela has an assistant which is embarrassing for the assistant, no? oh mary just had a sick burn.  she said the last time she saw michealelal without TARK she was "behind the counter at nordstrom selling me makeup in the 90's" ouchies! someone put on her big girl pants today!

POWDER now tells the black caucus dinner story to the black people.  this wont go over well.  OOH! someone said OBAMA (#1 of the night)!!  oh shit stacy is pisssssed about this cuz she just hung out with those twits in paris and she black (at least half).  they are almost at the vineyard now and i have a feeling cat is going to unleash some mayjah catitude all overrrr this fuckery.

tark's sweater looks like it's straight out of the salvation army basket.  cat is not cool with this security detail and asks wtf is going on and michealelala answers with "we're excited to have you all here with us?" i ask again- retarded or unprepared? i can say im not happy with ma boy JASON who was so pissed in the limo but is all buddies with TARK now.  cat bitches them out again and is getting pissed and starts saying "give love" to herself.  i think this is what she says before she snaps a bitch's neck. 

she says she "is not stomping and even with your whistle you won't get her stomping, but (of course) thank you anyway"  i effing believe her.   she does not wanna be "bossed about".  she keeps asking powder "is this my life?" she tells TAR-EK to get some manners ("even though i know you're american" ouch) then she mocks anorexicalealala by saying LOVE! LET'S LOVE EVERYBODY! michelala doesnt even get it and REPEATS IT! def a retard.  but here is where it gets good.  her assistant then says to cat "love is better than being bitchy to everybody"

......SAY WHA?! did she really just say that to queen bitch of england? as stacy says everyone was shocked and jason (trying to get back in my good graces we see) "you usually don't expect your service provider to call the customer a bitch, but keepin it reeeal- cat was bein a bitch".  i am not buying that cat doesnt know she is a bitch.  not for a second. 

they start stomping and taR-EK is counting seconds and making it all competitive but there is some scandal about these being TABLE GRAPES! GASP!!!!!! cat astutely points out that there wasnt one grape from virginia and there wasn't one grape that wasn't from the super market, but at least it was a nice day for BOLLOCKS.   she then starts singing BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS!!! this bitch has no shame!  mary tries to tell her "who cares" when she is complaining about their fakery.  cat goes to leave early with jason and just yells "BOLLOCKS DAHLING".  bitch knows how to make an exit. 

oh now they are all shit talking shit about kitty cat!  who do they think they is!  they are such fakers saying "cheers" to their hosts! asshats.  now they are bringing up the black caucus thing! michealela and tarK tell them thats bs and just spin spin spin it! HD TV is not so kind to any of these ladies (cept for stace, homegirl has nice skin)

mary just said that lynda adores michealalea and stacy stopped dead in her tracks when mary said  called her ano a few episodes ago "out of kind intentions".  im not jk i dont think i can blog about this shit anymore.  mary just said she was hurt when she heard micehaleal say she likes to talk about people and micehalala said she did it because she heard they were making fun of her in the hotel suite.   tARK looks like he has justttt about had it with this shit.   i cant tell if mary is drunk or not cuz her eyes are really droopy again and she is trying to make tark talk to her and then BOOM.  ITS FUCKING OVER! wtf bravo. 

BLUE BALLS!!!!!!!!!!

the next episode doesn't even look good.  cat tells some old lady who's working on health care reform "good luck with that" and then dresses as sarah palin to a politic event.  oh SNAP. ah gahd i don't care anymore.  THE END.  no more househoes til they stop jerkin me around!!! 

GOOZNIGHTZ

THE.BIGGEST.MISTAKE.OF.HER.LIFE!!!!!

well let me start off by apologizing to emily and the wingster as they have been patiently awaiting this betchy post.  i must also apologize to my homegirl ducklips (gia) because ABC is showing a little of the last few episodes and they told her giving the rose to wes last week was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE.  no jkz.  the biggest. mistake. of. her. life!!!!! oh gahd!

in the preview of whats coming up in this episode, the highlights are melty face nikki gets cornered for saving kiptonyte, he shows us he has a surrrrrious bald spot when he dips his head down, sweet and sour chicken would kiss everyone in the house for "like 20 bucks!" and sweet sweet gia is crying cuz she had to partake in a skanky kissing contest and said she thought this show would be innocent (could that be the biggest.mistake.of.her.life?) and she didnt think everyone was going to turn into pornstars.  idiot.  also, do we think ABC provides these cast members with fun size packs of valtrex after contests like this?  juzt wondering and if not they should.  oh yes and gia also says wes is the modern day shakespeare- but better! and cuter! ima punch this bitch in the collagen!

so right away, meltychinz is in the hot seat and ducklips is calling her out.  i zoned out looking for pictures of meltychinz only to find one of her in which two chins and half a neck was airbrushed out orrr miss thangz went on a crazy detox before picture day. 

am i right or am i right?  bitch's neck and chin now look like they are swaddled in several flesh colored snuggies...(see the bottom of the page...)

ANYVAZE...while i was zoning out i managed to pick up on a few things.  giasweetie is really upset about this kissing competition cuz she has a boyfriend back at home. the weatherman is excited cuz they will be blindfolded (he said it, not me, lil pervert) and now i look up and wrinkles mcgee is making moaning noises as all the men kiss her.   her complexion looks like a delicate mix between sand paper, sun spots, and beef jerky. am i wrong?

remember she told jakeypoo she wouldnt kiss him!  hahaha the weatherman is going at her with his little slippery tounge and made elizabeth say she "just realized how gross this is" just now?  one guy who i still don't know (KOFAX I THINK! muhaha) says that it will be fun to kiss some girls but it will be a struggle to kiss others (NIKKI WE'RE LOOKING AT CHU).  nameless faceless peyton goes.  no one cares.  gwen makes a very yucked out face when weatherman kisses her.  or was that an excited face cuz she is getting some action finally?  maybe the latter...faceless ashley bows out cuz "money cant buy her the respect of her students". lame.  skanky natalie kung pao chickenz is a slut.  nikki is gross. krissily povich looks like she is harboring some diseases in her tongue ring hole.  and no i dont know for sure if she has one so back uppppp.  squeaky mouse steps up and she says she started out giggling.  bringing out the virginal jig again are we princess squeaksalot?  as my strumpet (sounds classier) idol, joan holloway once said "Peggy, this is isn't China. There's no money in virginity" suck it tenleyz.  and SICK BURN.  she loves number 3's kisses and whoa shockz it was kypton! gag me.  now its gia's turn and her collagen is out to play.  all the guys are really respectful to her and dont try to slip her the tongue.   true gentlemen AMMIRIGHT!? 

HAHAHA squeaky tenley says she has to win the rose so she puts on her game (ho) face and starts mackin on the first blind folded dude, making sweet and sour chicken proud, which says it all right there.  when you make the town bicycle proud, you are a true skank among skanks!  just an aside elizabeth is really aggressive and sticking her tongue down the throats of all the men.  also gia must be tiny short or these guys are just giants cuz she can hardly reach their MOUFZ.  so she drops out with tears and restalyne all over.  weatherman like this too much.  the interview is shot from the chest up but i swear i can see his boner from here.  ps i love the 70's porn music they play when elizabeth goes up.  she is such a skankho.  weatherman might be a scrawny nerdbomber but he can smell a skank from a mile away saying he needs cold showers after sweet and sour and gramma wrinkles. meh heh heh wes is a germaphobe! HAHAHAHA he just said tenley was "sloppy", sweet and sour was "violent" , faceless peyton's was "nice" and dry lol.  wes doesnt like it when a laday goes in for the attack unless he's absolutely hammered.  i am starting to see the appeal of this broheim. 

weatherman thinks he's gonna win. lolz.  david wins anddd...PEYTON WINS!!! HAHAH

for the very first time, peyton ladies and gentlemanz!!

it's amazing to hear her speak for the first facking time.  she has a thick southern accent! who knew! ashley thinks she can get a rose still by being taken on this date.  not gonna happen loser! david takes CHINZ, KRISSILY and her snooki bump hairdo, and sweet and sour skank on a date to vegas.  i am quite confident i can fast forward through this whole thing. krissily is defz wearing a BUMP-IT! and nikki is suckin it in under several layers of SPANX i guarantee you this. i am fast forwarding this whole date after natalie says she's always wanted to go to a "nude pool".  who's fucking dream is a nude pool?  even with my fastforwarding i catch glimpses of her skankdom when they have to blur out her naked chest.  this makes me feel itchy...(and she gets the rose from dave on the date and gets to stay in the "villa" with him (insert more porn music) while he chucks chinz and krissily to the curb.  skankz always prevail! am i supposed to believe these two dont bang immediately after the cameras leave cuz i do notz. also instead of those night vision cameras they should invest in those heat sensor ones cuz i bet sweet and sour's nether regions would make it spontaneously combust.

hay now.

Peyton (i guess i have to call her by her name now) picks KOFAX, KYPTONZ, and JESSE B.  squeakymouse is mad she picks balding kryptonite.  weatherman is sad.  wompwompppp. i wish craig m was here to laugh at him with me! pour one out for my fallen homie :( 

HAHA dave and sweet and sour are a couple now and gotta keep it under wraps!  no one's buying that you fell asleep in your clothes tho guys. surriously.  squeaky pants goes to surprise kyptonz in bed to snuggle before his date with peyton and he pretty much gives her the BITCH HALE NAW face and goes back to sleep. again BURN.  im starting to get a real fatal attraction vibe from senorita squeakz. so peyton, jesse b, and KOFAX go to some drag racing place, i fast forward cuz none of this is remotely interesting and i only JUST passed the 1 hour mark. 
 

derrr

the other guys ask elizabeth if she's jealous and homegirl says no! then promptly loses her shit in the confessional.  kofax and kryptonite both lie and say there's nothing between their respective sluts (wrinkles and tenley duh).  jesse b says sweet and sour is not the type of girl he's looking for (aka he's not looking to get the clap).  peytonmeister (almost like leighton meester!) picks jesse b.  he sounds very dumb but yes he is dreamy as peyton says.  oh oh they seem like they are starting to like each other.  but i don't get the skank vibes so jesse b and gonna get nuffin.  

hahahaa! KOFAX says "elizabeth is ruining everything for me".  she is really fucking nutso.  she says she likes that he is struggling (then does and evil laugh).  he better dump her ass. 

gia and wes are on the couch and she's coyly biting her collagen injections, and wes vows to keep her ass in. he says sweet things to her.   not even creepy, cheesy sweet things, real actual sweet things. GAH I SEE THE APPEAL DAMMIT.  methinks i have a new favorite player... WESLEY BABY COME EEEER!

oh creepy i just actually thought in my head "i hope they date".  it is official my brain turned to mush at the 1 hour and 24 minute mark. fmlz.  40 more to go?!?

wes is getting really feisty with people threatening people to vote for his lady in waiting GIA and he says if kyptonite doesnt keeps her in, elizawrinkles will be going home. YES MAN DEAR GOD!! ps i just caught a glimpse of queen of the botox darkness gwen, i havent seen her all night!

things are not looking so good for ze weatherman. as gramma wrinkles says "i dont think he's funny. i don't think he's cute"  probably the only thing she has ever said that i agree with.  bitches are also voting for koFAX it seems.  wes continues his SAVE GIA campaign and angers everyone by saying to vote for wrinkzmcgee.  im scared my new fave is making himself vulnerable! please don't go the way of craig m wessidoll!!  

melissaTEEFrycroft is here looking oh so MARRIED (in yo faces losers!). kiptonite's bald spot is dying for a starring role on this show as it makes yet another appearance.  good luck with that squeaky mouse. ok heeeeeere we go with the votingz!

ashley: safe 

kiptynite: safe

squeakyqueen: safe (ugh she fucking CURTSEYED)

chins: safe

queen of the darkages of botox: safe

MA BOO WES: safe

krissily "you are not the father" bumpit: safe

it's down to weatherman and koFAX and gia and gramma wrinkles...

SEE YA WEATHERMAN! kofax is safe.  THERE IS AN EFFING TIE between ducklips and gramma wrinks and david has to break the tie.  im actually really impressed that wes' trickery went this well!  i'm even more proud of him now <3  david chooses my sweet sweet duck lips to go home and beef jerky forehead is saved.  gia looks extra sparkly and pretty tonight.  our love hate relationship is over again... for nowwww..

well that's all.  i was gonna leave you with this picture of the foxy CHRIS HARRISON. next week looks MAD dramatic.  lots of tears and fighting just the way i mothafackin like it!

but i decided i would leave you with a real treat to haunt your dreams.  

I GIVE YOU.  NIKKI AND HER CHINZ!!!!!!!!!!! (i know i am going to hell, sowwy)

anddddddd GOODNIGHT!!!

HouseHoes! HouseHoes! Errywhere!!!

OK so there is a new batch of househoes on the block and they are in DC.  i can hardly move my fingers fast enough, this show is just chock full of the good shit.  i cannot handle it.  

there's been one episode so far and here are our players: the sassy black lady (stacy) who likes to talk about Obama and likes to bring RACE into every discussion, the successful independent 50ish career woman with a giant black boyfriend named Ebong (lynda), the famewhoring one and her husband who crashed the white house dinner last year(michaele and tareq), a pretty boring mom of five effing kids who keeps telling us that "in DC" shit is like this... i want to punch her (mary), and last but not least a feisty british mega betch (cat) who was rumored to have hooked up with PRINCE HOT GINGE!!

we start off with cat, the british bitch "writing her book" but it looks like her editor is typing it,so she is not writing jack shit, but i dont care cuz like i said i love this bitch and errythang that comes out of her mouth!

next, ze black folks, stacy and husband i dont know his name chillin with their pals at the "only black vineyard" who had their wine served by OBAMA (Obama tally #1) once.  then the famewhores to end all famewhores michalelala and tareq show up in a goddamn white stretch limo at the vineyard in fancy clothes.  like where are they going, prom?  i hate them with a visceral passion.  the black lady tells us you cant be in DC and not be involved in politics, its just how they do it there.  oh really?  thanks for the tip stace!  anyway, then she axes famewhores 1 and 2 what they think of...OBAMA!! (#2)  tareq goes first and sounds like he is reading off a cue card trying to impress some grown ups with some shit about israel and palenstine but then MICHALELA starts yammering, literally makes no sense at all and offers this gem of obama, "he tries to pull everybody together, the red and the blue, and make it red white and blue."  she looks very proud of herself, like a toddler doing their very first poopoo in the potty, the black husband is all like WTFZ in the confessional. 

they then talk about the black guy's brother (im sorry i just dont know his name, don't judge me my one slovenian reader) is a huge rap star in paris and how they should all go. totes! cuz anyone can just go to paris on a whim like that.  i used to live there once. ze french did not like me much.  i wonder whyyyy!

NOW we move on to my second favorite betch.  LYNDA.  i have to applaud her for not overdoing the botox in the forehead, but bitch's face looks like its pulled on TIIIIGHT and her neck was left out of all the fun!  

she owns a modeling agency and like i mentioned before has to be pushing 50 if not older, likes her booze and dates a giant dark black man named EBONG. she's my favorite kind of bitch cuz she talks about how michalelala is anorexic and looks "unwell" after telling their mutual (and mandatory for all bravo reality shows) gay best friend that he should feed her a burger and fries and this makes me do the real time lolz cuz she pretends this is said out of genuine concern. homegirl who you tryna fool?  it should also be noted that everyone on this show pronounces the names "michaele and tareq" differently.  some say "mi-kayle", some say "mikayla" and "tar-ek" or "tear-ek".  lynda calls them Michaela and TarK.  i feel like she does this to make them less fancy cuz she is bitter that michalealalaa used to be a makeup artist and former model (hellllo is mickaalya friends with the discountess, luann?! she should be!)

so stacy and husband are packing for paris as are the famewhores *their names are too hard to spell ughz* and the female famewhore has 5 bags.  how funny! such shenanigans! so many shoes! oh michealala you're just sooo carrie bradshaw! no but seriously, STFU!!!  i am going to follow lynda's lead and call this asshole TARK.  hate you guys!

anyway, stacy's husband and she discuss how they are surprised the Famehoes are actually going to come to paris, then he says... "it's the OBAMA(#3) era, it's the OBAMA era (#4)!" this show must be infuriating for republicans. 

lynda and cat meet and are wearing furry poofy vests and order some chardonnay from and unseen slave type in lynda's crib.  you cant see "robin" but she is beckoned in a sugary sweet condescending tone...anddd stealing my heart again lynduhhhh).  Cat's book is about how she and her husband (who she is now divorced to in real life. sadz) were both actual whores and cheated on their old spouses with each other and shitttt.  how scandalous!

boring mary quite contrary and boring husband (who was voted very stylish last episode i think? i could be wrong i may have been drunk- getting inspiration from miss lynda!!) have lunch and bore me talking about parties  and mary's new highlights. they show a clip for the third time of the fight between lynda and michalelala from last episode when she calls her an ano.  i dont give a fack, im on lynda's side let's move on. 

cat is in her house with her kids JADE and RUBY (this makes me laugh that they are named after gemstones and shit, i dont know why its killin me)and her fancy photog husband is there and he is going away again for work AGAIN. wompity wompz.  his name is charles (pronounced, CHAAAHHLES) and i like the way she says it.  there is wine being drunk in this scene too and i feel like it's the morning or at the very latest, early afternoon. what are these bitches trying to do to me? cat is bitching about how she only has had 6 hours of sleep each night (which is what i get everyday, so shut it sweetie 6 is pretty good) "whilst he has been swanning around".  BURN. everything sounds nastier coming out with a british accent.  

stacy and JASON (!! i know his name) arrive in par-eeee and he speaks a little french.  it gives me a boner cuz he says something in french and then follows it up with a ghetto explanation about how he is doing his darndest not to butcher their language!  TARK and micahelaial show up and TARK acts like a dick and they try to one up each other about their knowledge of paris and have a bottle of dom perignon. more alcohol in this scene my god, i'm getting the itch.  

gay bff paul. hey now

i fastforward an entire scene with mary talking to gay bff paul on speakerphone in her house filled with flowers and family photos and no alcohol.  there is some water on the table wtf.  kick this bitch off she clearly did not come ready to PLAY.

back to paris! i think the brother in law rapper's name is "B-ASSAILANT" aka adam.  the assailant vs. adam is lolworthy. surprisingly,  he is pretty good rapping and their are actual people in the crowd.  this is no "social life magazine cover".  his music makes michaielala dance like an asshole of course.  TARK also jumps up and down and sweats all over the place and lets loose.  JASON is quickly making a play for the cold place where by heart is supposed to be.  everytime he does his little solo interview he says something funny and this time he tells me "it was gettin all euro up in there" cuz michaleala was trying to "dance all up on stacy".  i dont know what that means and i've been to europe but, ah jason, <3 you and your brother b-assailant can get all euro with me any day. 

bravo is trying to put me to sleep by showing mary again.  but WAIT! her little daughter is telling her about SEXTING.  i dont know how old she is but i love her cuz when her mom says she's not ready for her to be hearing about this, the daughter retorts and i quote, "you're the one who put me in public school." fucking LOVE IT.  (this just adds to my belief there should be a "children of the housewives: the next generation" show in like ten years, starring GIA, MILLANIA, and the other one of teresa "no forehead" guidice's kids, the damaged youngest daughter of prostitution whore danielle staub, NOEL (son of countess luann), ally zarin, and kelly bensimon's spawn, SEA and TEDDY.  how amazing would that be?) 

*ps mary was drinking wine in this scene and the kid looked like she was eating breakfast so game on.

FABULOUSSSS!

ANYVAZE we move on...cat is doing a photo shoot for her new book and they want it to be very sex and the city and she doesnt like it. in her confessional she talks about how chaaahles was away so he couldnt do the shoot for her and she sounds like shes spitting some mayjah venom in his general direction.  but guess who shows up? CHAHLES! they go to the subway (i've been there ZOMG!) to shoot her in a leopard coat and many louis vuitton bags.  it's all very jill zarin and not in a good way. *being very jill zarin is never meant in a good way.

and we're back in paris again.  i want them to go to where i lived but it is not fancy enough for them.  michaelala is wearing what appears to be a  camel colored-full body-leather jumpsuit.  like the kind mechanics wear, but made of LEATHER.  where would one even fucking find that shit?  ugh.  anyway, stacy starts talking about serious shit, how she was adopted and im trying to care but my icy cold heart just doesnt cuz i am captivated by the suit...  all i want is to punch michaele in the face.

ugh. mary is old and she just said ted and jason (more gays) are her BESTIES.  she is over the age of 12 so saying "bestie" is not acceptable. she knows some key players or some shit and they cheers to their party with MORE FUCKING ALCOHOL. one of the gay friends has a shaved head and bleached eyebrows.  he looks like POWDER! (what a great film).

all the other broads show up and stacy reminds us she doesnt like cat cuz she thinks shes racist from last episode and here is why: cat doesnt like tyra banks and does like george bush.  seriously, thats why. lynda and her neck arrive and ze neck is out in full force tonight as she gets her hair did.  it should be noted michaelaalaaia looks nearly identical to my arch nemesis of the universe, the uber hateful conservative bobblehead,  ANN COULTER.  (fun fact i once saw a life sized ann coulter cardboard standee in a barnes & noble and i seriously considered punching it and knocking it over.)

right?

stacy and cat make some fake chatty chats.  lynda and cat love each other and agree the food is "revolting" again it sounds much meaner coming out of her mouf.  lynda makes a little cheers and says cat is the new "soul sister" and that (ACCIDENTAL RACISM ALERT) if stacy can sing "we'll let you be diana ross".  stacy gives a prompt OH HALE NAW YOU DID NOT/YOU BETTA AXE SOMEBODY/CUZ I WILL CUT A BITCH face.  there's another black lady there who makes a comment about how stacy is just the "token black girl" to them and this makes cat MAD and say more mean things in british.  did i mention she is wearing a feather boa throughout this? well she fuckin is. 

**OH DAYUM, stacy's birth mother might be Caucasian the commercial tells me! so this racism fight thats maybe about to happen might not be necessary. muhahaha** 

ps the gay mutual friend is too much.  he's black and has long flat ironed blonde hair.  hahaha cat calls him COLORED which is not ok in america but again its awesome.  

TARK starts talking about how michaelala has gained weight (20 lbs?  that's roughly 1/4 of her current stock) since she met him and says she eats more than he does.  people are getting fed up with this including gay friends paul and powder.  cat also says that only her daughters would have been impressed by the horrible white stretch limo.  meh heh heh.

omg what a let down, it's over! no fights! no nothing! the way i feel right now is what i would imagine is the female equivalent of blue balls.  

see you next week when hopefully someone will pull somebody else's extensions out or somefing. ta ta!

baiiiiiii!

oh here we goz again...my boyfriend and ducklips and chinese food galore!!

this is an actual photo of a contestant the minute they emerge from da house...

well, here we are again.  i'm gonna do it in one whole parte, so brace your mother effing selves....

koFAX or whatever just decided within 30 seconds that being a couple with gramma wrinkles is a better strategy than being apart from her (i dizagree).  natalie (aka sweet n sour chicken if you do not recall) just said something about student loans.  this is puzzling to me cuz she looks and sounds like she has the IQ of an 8 year old.  and not a dashing, eloquent 8 year old like king curtis.  a real regular dumbass 8 year old!

anyway next up is something about pie eating.  kirsililily is making bitch faces.  nameless, faceless peyton is talking about inside (crispy chicken, tenley, wrinkles) vs. outside girls (krisililiy gwen, and the two faceless wonders).   

ok so these bitches have to eat pies without their hands, mrs. big teef rycroft tells us (it seems that ABC has heard my yells and have cut her presence out a bit this episode. praise da lawd). anyway, krilsislsiy is starting to cry! about pie!  she doesnt have a gal bladder or something so she cant digest fat (which sounds good, no?) but that douche guy whose name  i forget said that was a bad move, you know cuz playing the game is more important than dying.  of course to play this game the girls must where as little clothes as possible. there are SO many inappropriate porn related jokes i can make right now but i wont.  squeaky mouse doesnt like this at allll. she's gonna vom then eat it i think?  darling duck lips is yacking too.  k i will comment no more about this.  vomit is not prime blog topicz....now we just wait.  ok duck lips gia and squeaky mouse are neck and neck but just ew,.  haha gia won and you just ate all those calories squeaky pants!! l to the o to the lz.

dis is squeaky pantz post contest!

i refuse to comment on the male portion of this contest unless something bad happens like my bf, craig M's gorgeous rpatz-esque mane gets mussed in the berries.  i wish they gave him a headband or hairnet or something. sadz. just a sidenote i do not appreciate that in the after commenting portion they did not allow gramma wrinkles to wipe her face down.  OH NO!!!!! my bf just stuck his hair in the pie on purpose to wipe up some pie.  i am sad but impressed with his ingenuity.  ugh my arch enemy the weatherman just won. i barfz

anyfarts weatherman pick queen of the dark ages (gwen) and i kid you not the two nameless faceless wonders, ashley and peyton!  this makes me lol.  he wants to charge them and says this is "BIZNEZZ".  i dislike him and his (what i can only presume is a) teeny wiener. they're gonna body paint or some shit.  im disinterested AGAIN.  omg he's in his speedo again.  he actually just called it "SPEEDO THE SEQUEL"  i vomz.  

krisilsisliy is still bitching about not being one of the cool kids.  someone's parents did not shell out enough money for therapy in her teen years which also is evident cuz she's ON THIS SHOW. also, why is gia an outsider?  she so foxy! ducklips and all! 

anyfartz it is worth noting that this week's experience is slightly more pleasant cuz a i am wearing a robe (no gym clothes, i got realistic), and i started this shit late so i can fast forward through the terrible commercialz.  but seirously, this foursome on this date is like reject city! 

gramma wrinks, kryptonitez and sweet and sour chicken are talking strategy and she just said "the others".  this is not LOST bitch.  you are not in the same category, step BACK. 

ok moving on, bla bla gwen and weatherman like each other or some shit. gwen is giving me meg ryan vibes.  not like cute when harry met sally americas sweet heart meg ryan, but like post dennis quaid botched botox meg ryan.  weatherbitch should think long and hard if THIS is the kind face he wants to be wakin up to in the morning.  JUST SAYZINNNNN!

anyway, gia is bringing wes, my boyfriend craig, and a third one whose name she is going to "pick out of of a hat" but that sneaky bitch just wrote JESSE BECK (aka sweet n sour chicken's main piece) on every piece of paper.  how smaht of her!

ruh roh.  jesse b just said he doesnt reeeeery like natalie and he is only here for the monay$.  wrinkles is conspiring with koFAX. ok im sorry i REALLY cant focus.  i am looking for bday presents for my roommate (HAYYYY! dis is a test to see if she's reading so HAYY ROOMAY) but focusing on the cinematic masterpiece before us, they should rename this show from the bachelor pad to EVERYBODY LOVES GIA!!! wes, craig m, jesse b.  they loovvvveee this bitch!! wes is drop L bombs, no jkz!

anyvaze, GIA picks wes instead of craig Mz like she promised.  ruh rohhhh.  heidi fleiss and david make out in the hot tub to show their trust or something.  KRISILSISLILy povich is getting mad about it! anyway i think jesse b just broke'd up with sweet n sour! gia is more girlfriend material!  fack i need to focus more! my brainz gonna be explodzingz!!!

 chris harrison's tie and shirt combo is making my eyes bleed.  purple polka dot tie and brown gingham looking shirt plus black jacket.  i think i just got tourette's.

anyway squeaky made wrinkles mad about something, and SHOCKZ she started to get upset. dun dun dunnnnnnn it's elimination timezzz....outsider girls wanna send KYptYn home, but i doubt that will happen, cuz then how will the theme of squeaky virginal squeaky and kiptyn romance be able to be shown? anyway...people are against my bf craigypoo again! wrinkles, faceless ashley, and sweet n sour chicken just voted for him :( seems like some dudes are voting for KRISISISISLY but heidi fleiss was blindsided that peeps were trying to vote for her! 

the dudes seem to be scrambling to get NIKKI as their swing vote.  kYPotinz is going to go after her and i believe this will work because of her vulnerability due to her unnatural and overwhelming jowls/chin area. krisilsislsiy thinks the outsiders are going to take over the house.  did i accidentally change the channel and the year and stumble onto the set of kid nation? 

ok here we go:

squeakz- safe

faceless peyton- safe

jesse b- safe

faceless ashley- safe

jowly nikki- safe

david- safe

gramma wrinkles- safe

orange chicken deluxe- safe

koFAX- safe

it's down to krisilsislisy, heidi fleiss, my boyfriend, and kyptonite and sadly my heart knows what up.

krisily and kyptonz are safe :(

NO MORE HEIDI FLEISS AND EVIL PDEMPZ?!!!! WTFFFFZ!?!?!?!?!

we will never see this gorgeous creature again!? just like crazy michelle he has left me too early.  i leave you some photos to cherish as i will through these difficult timesz...

moral of the story is nikki and her jowls are efffffed going forward! the previews show me this for real, but for now i will mourn the loss of my bf. um also in the preview for next week, sweet n sour gets topless, gia calls wes a modern day Shakespeare anddddd um that's it i think.  all i know is, my roommate has no bday present and i... i has a sad 

until next time my friendz....

ZE END!!! (of the first episode)

weeeeee! itz only herpes simplex 1!

this is going to be a long end of the summer, i tell you.  who the f is peyton?  i don't care but everytime i see her im like who are you and where did you come from?  at least krissily has a stupid name we could remember. 

oh DAYUM, wrinkles just said she was gone for hours and he didnt even ask her how her day was!!?  naggin betch.  oh no! now she says she is in love with jesse kovax TO jesse kovax and he is not feelin it.  she is now trying to strategize with him and tells him if he treats her poorly it will have negative consequences  on him.  like what is she the godfather?  im not sure what just happened there ( he is too- he just said he is completely confused)

oh christ she is crying and says when she kisses him she feels love and when she kisses him she doesnt feel it back and it hurts.  Evil Pdempz and heidi fliess are back and they are accompanied by swing music!  ah TENLEY IS DANCING!!!!! (

my roommate just said she loves tenley btw.  i smell tension! HAI ROOMAY :)  omg michelle has locked squeaky mouse in the bathroom to confront her about starting the rumor about her hooking up with my bf.  michelle should be thanking squeaky for this!  thats the hottest thing that has happened to her sex lyf in YEARZ.  

squeaky pantz is crying hysterically, pretty much fearing for her life cuz of michelle. gramma wrinkles tells her to chill and they will get michelle out and squeaky's tears mysteriously stop.   and the ze emmy goes to squeakalicious for best performance in a comedy or musical.  anyway moving on, its commercial time.  no push ups have been done.  i give up now. 

ok so natalie is talking to JUAN (pronounce huh-wannnn) and i don't care so we are going to skip this part. bla bla boring.  krisiillily is tryina' tell the bitches how to play the game and she is doing the homegirl head shake with her finger waving in the air like she's on maury.  wrong channel bebe!

it's time to start votin bitches OFF!  not tryina' be a betch (i am) but nikki has some wattlage hangin off of her very otherwise strongly featured face.  i no getz it.  anyway people are voting for michelle and then evil pdempz says right to her face NOPE i didnt vote for you!  liez! so convincingly!  much like a sociopath!  swoonz.   sweet and sour chicken votes for huh-wan cuz she is plans with lil mz. junk in da trunk!

GAH i am getting so tired.  i hope not every episode is two hours long! i don't know if i have the stamina.  perhaps this is why i should have gone to ze gym?  OH MAN.  well chris harrison is here to rock me gently off to sleep.  if he says your name you are safe and get a rose from mrs. TEEF (rycroft).   craig m and heidi jessi feliss are ok. 

my darling duck lips, gia: safe

jesse b (tattoos, banging orange chicken): safe

peyton, ms. forgettable: safe

kiptYn: safe

princess squeaky mouse: safe

junk in da trunk nikki: safe

ms. forgettable #2, ashley: safe

david (i just read he was very "Crude" on jillian's season): safe

sweet & sour chicken, natalie: safe

wes (not a lot of screen time for america's biggest villain): safe

gwen, queen of the collagen dark ages: safe! (score for the aarp generation)

gramma wrinkles the II: safe

the weatherman:  safe

(krisisililiy and kovaxx are safe. boring.)

UGH.  HU-wann and CRAZY MICHELLE are gone already!!!! hu-wan is actually kinda cute.  sadz.  crazy michelle, why is our time always cut so short?!  why can't you control the crazy just long enough so we can hang?  i go to bed with a broken heart, i must rest now,. so til next monday my friend(z).

WOMPITYWOMP:SUMMER EDITION!!