oh here we goz again...my boyfriend and ducklips and chinese food galore!!

this is an actual photo of a contestant the minute they emerge from da house...

well, here we are again.  i'm gonna do it in one whole parte, so brace your mother effing selves....

koFAX or whatever just decided within 30 seconds that being a couple with gramma wrinkles is a better strategy than being apart from her (i dizagree).  natalie (aka sweet n sour chicken if you do not recall) just said something about student loans.  this is puzzling to me cuz she looks and sounds like she has the IQ of an 8 year old.  and not a dashing, eloquent 8 year old like king curtis.  a real regular dumbass 8 year old!

anyway next up is something about pie eating.  kirsililily is making bitch faces.  nameless, faceless peyton is talking about inside (crispy chicken, tenley, wrinkles) vs. outside girls (krisililiy gwen, and the two faceless wonders).   

ok so these bitches have to eat pies without their hands, mrs. big teef rycroft tells us (it seems that ABC has heard my yells and have cut her presence out a bit this episode. praise da lawd). anyway, krilsislsiy is starting to cry! about pie!  she doesnt have a gal bladder or something so she cant digest fat (which sounds good, no?) but that douche guy whose name  i forget said that was a bad move, you know cuz playing the game is more important than dying.  of course to play this game the girls must where as little clothes as possible. there are SO many inappropriate porn related jokes i can make right now but i wont.  squeaky mouse doesnt like this at allll. she's gonna vom then eat it i think?  darling duck lips is yacking too.  k i will comment no more about this.  vomit is not prime blog topicz....now we just wait.  ok duck lips gia and squeaky mouse are neck and neck but just ew,.  haha gia won and you just ate all those calories squeaky pants!! l to the o to the lz.

dis is squeaky pantz post contest!

i refuse to comment on the male portion of this contest unless something bad happens like my bf, craig M's gorgeous rpatz-esque mane gets mussed in the berries.  i wish they gave him a headband or hairnet or something. sadz. just a sidenote i do not appreciate that in the after commenting portion they did not allow gramma wrinkles to wipe her face down.  OH NO!!!!! my bf just stuck his hair in the pie on purpose to wipe up some pie.  i am sad but impressed with his ingenuity.  ugh my arch enemy the weatherman just won. i barfz

anyfarts weatherman pick queen of the dark ages (gwen) and i kid you not the two nameless faceless wonders, ashley and peyton!  this makes me lol.  he wants to charge them and says this is "BIZNEZZ".  i dislike him and his (what i can only presume is a) teeny wiener. they're gonna body paint or some shit.  im disinterested AGAIN.  omg he's in his speedo again.  he actually just called it "SPEEDO THE SEQUEL"  i vomz.  

krisilsisliy is still bitching about not being one of the cool kids.  someone's parents did not shell out enough money for therapy in her teen years which also is evident cuz she's ON THIS SHOW. also, why is gia an outsider?  she so foxy! ducklips and all! 

anyfartz it is worth noting that this week's experience is slightly more pleasant cuz a i am wearing a robe (no gym clothes, i got realistic), and i started this shit late so i can fast forward through the terrible commercialz.  but seirously, this foursome on this date is like reject city! 

gramma wrinks, kryptonitez and sweet and sour chicken are talking strategy and she just said "the others".  this is not LOST bitch.  you are not in the same category, step BACK. 

ok moving on, bla bla gwen and weatherman like each other or some shit. gwen is giving me meg ryan vibes.  not like cute when harry met sally americas sweet heart meg ryan, but like post dennis quaid botched botox meg ryan.  weatherbitch should think long and hard if THIS is the kind face he wants to be wakin up to in the morning.  JUST SAYZINNNNN!

anyway, gia is bringing wes, my boyfriend craig, and a third one whose name she is going to "pick out of of a hat" but that sneaky bitch just wrote JESSE BECK (aka sweet n sour chicken's main piece) on every piece of paper.  how smaht of her!

ruh roh.  jesse b just said he doesnt reeeeery like natalie and he is only here for the monay$.  wrinkles is conspiring with koFAX. ok im sorry i REALLY cant focus.  i am looking for bday presents for my roommate (HAYYYY! dis is a test to see if she's reading so HAYY ROOMAY) but focusing on the cinematic masterpiece before us, they should rename this show from the bachelor pad to EVERYBODY LOVES GIA!!! wes, craig m, jesse b.  they loovvvveee this bitch!! wes is drop L bombs, no jkz!

anyvaze, GIA picks wes instead of craig Mz like she promised.  ruh rohhhh.  heidi fleiss and david make out in the hot tub to show their trust or something.  KRISILSISLILy povich is getting mad about it! anyway i think jesse b just broke'd up with sweet n sour! gia is more girlfriend material!  fack i need to focus more! my brainz gonna be explodzingz!!!

 chris harrison's tie and shirt combo is making my eyes bleed.  purple polka dot tie and brown gingham looking shirt plus black jacket.  i think i just got tourette's.

anyway squeaky made wrinkles mad about something, and SHOCKZ she started to get upset. dun dun dunnnnnnn it's elimination timezzz....outsider girls wanna send KYptYn home, but i doubt that will happen, cuz then how will the theme of squeaky virginal squeaky and kiptyn romance be able to be shown? anyway...people are against my bf craigypoo again! wrinkles, faceless ashley, and sweet n sour chicken just voted for him :( seems like some dudes are voting for KRISISISISLY but heidi fleiss was blindsided that peeps were trying to vote for her! 

the dudes seem to be scrambling to get NIKKI as their swing vote.  kYPotinz is going to go after her and i believe this will work because of her vulnerability due to her unnatural and overwhelming jowls/chin area. krisilsislsiy thinks the outsiders are going to take over the house.  did i accidentally change the channel and the year and stumble onto the set of kid nation? 

ok here we go:

squeakz- safe

faceless peyton- safe

jesse b- safe

faceless ashley- safe

jowly nikki- safe

david- safe

gramma wrinkles- safe

orange chicken deluxe- safe

koFAX- safe

it's down to krisilsislisy, heidi fleiss, my boyfriend, and kyptonite and sadly my heart knows what up.

krisily and kyptonz are safe :(

NO MORE HEIDI FLEISS AND EVIL PDEMPZ?!!!! WTFFFFZ!?!?!?!?!

we will never see this gorgeous creature again!? just like crazy michelle he has left me too early.  i leave you some photos to cherish as i will through these difficult timesz...

moral of the story is nikki and her jowls are efffffed going forward! the previews show me this for real, but for now i will mourn the loss of my bf. um also in the preview for next week, sweet n sour gets topless, gia calls wes a modern day Shakespeare anddddd um that's it i think.  all i know is, my roommate has no bday present and i... i has a sad 

until next time my friendz....

Seriously Ze Parte 2

My mortal enemy: The weatherman!

I wasn't kidding when i said this was going to be long.  i cannot type fast enough. so chris tells me there are 19 and they all have a chance to find love and 250,000 dollaz.  each week they will play games, and will receive roses that will keep them safe AND allow them intimate dates. the guys will vote off the girls and the girls will vote of the guys.  my boyfriend Craig M says this is dirrrrty.  

oh man here comes chris' co-host, melissa rycroft.  she's as annoying as the last time i saw her and she doesnt waste a beat making sure all these loser singletons know she is now married!  craigM my boyfriend just said "this is like christmas", we are kindred spirits, probs.   all the doors are locked and these idiots find out they have to sleep in bunkbeds all in one room.  there is gonna be so many different kinds of STANK in that room.  please take a moment and imagine what these trollops look like without makeup first thing in the morning?!  count me innnn. 

natalie isnt wearing any undies though.  they are talking about who they want to vote off already, and they are ALREADY SAYING CRAIG M?!  wtf?  do they want me to stop watching (true story, there is almost no way that is possible)  ugh melissa rycroftz comes out to tell them its time for competition and i dont like it.

while this commercial break is happening i am going to do 2 things.  1- i am going to do a couple of girly push-ups (cuz i didnt go to da gym you know) and 2- i am going to ponder how PISSED princess snaussy is that she missed her chance to be on this shit show.  she played jakeypoo's cross-eyed beard just like 2 weeks too long or she could have made it!  somewhere, someone (named snausalicious) is singing a sad sad song in a local hooters, black eye makeup smudge all ova her grill, pushing pins into her ally/tenley/and newly made jakeypants voodoo dolls...

the sad songz of princess snaussy..

ugh, shit we are back already and i did exactly ZERO pushups.  so, erin baldwin...you better fucking LOVE this nine year long post cuz my physical health is suffrin'!

anyvaze.  theres some giant twister board and squeaky tenz promptly pulls her leg above her head (she's a dancer in case you forgot) and declares herself the automatic winner.  i hope this means she loses.  and again, melissa rycroftz?  why are you here it TIS unnatural!!

again DO YOU SEEZ?!

the girls want my boyfriend craig M to lose.  i just had to take a break to explain to my roommate about what is going through my mind right now.  theres just too much!!  elizabeth wrinkles tells craigypants she doesnt like him!  i hope he killz her!.  this girl nikki is a little chunkay compared to the others.  jessie says "if i win ill take you on the date"  that lil betch stealin ma mannnnn.  jessie goin to be makin some enemiezzzz in the form of wrinkley forehead!!  wrinkleys looks so bad with blonde hair.  she is telling my bf how she is an honest person.  evil pdempz is just so hot.  he is wearing a fedora and i thinkkk he is asking wrinkleys out on his date but i cannot hearz!

theyz going to bed now.  i cannot wait to see how many night vision hook ups start going down and by "can't wait" i mean i want to go rub a precautionary layer of valtrex all over my body cuz i can probs catch whatever these hos have via the TV screen. 

it's only 8:51.  Ze parte 3 comin atchya...

CHRISTMASTIME IS UPON US!!!...(ze parte 1)

 

today legitimately is like christmas for me and at least one of my friends (i'm lookin at you wingster) because THE BACHELOR PAD is starting tonight.  in the first 60 seconds of the preview there is enough making out, hot tubs and bathing suits to make you wanna get an AIDS test.  squeaky mouse and allllll the other other crazies i have missed and hated so much in the past are here.  seriously...chris harrison is coming out to talk to us and im getting MAD antsy, let's begin.

holy shit they are all coming out of the limo to see ma boy chris harrison and first out is mother effing squeaky mouse.  she is still squeakin and talking about her husband cheating on her.  she literally says cheers to me while toasting herself in the house alone. 

next theres jesse b.  i dont know him. 

next natalie, from jasons season- i remember her because she was a crispy orange color and reminded me of chinese food.  tenley and her are squeaking and "shaking" about each other being there.

theres some dude named david, he looks familiar but i feel like he may have been scary. 

next is GWEN and she looks like she filled her face with all kinza chemical shit from season 2.  david called her old.  BURN.  

tenley is still squeaking cuz jessie s.  is here.  she looks like heidi fliess to me. why is squeaky mouse so surprised to see everyone?  she is pissing me off alreadyyyy. 8 mins in!! 

zu see? (and yes i know that is jamie lynn sigler playing heidi fleiss back uppp)

the weatherman has now arrived. he does NOT wanna see craig M.  and guess who is coming soon!  CRAIG M.  i like how they put the last initals with their names like they are in kindergarten.  

some bitch named natalie banged some dude named JUAN once and i dont give a shit.  drink up biyatchhhh. tenley is still squeaking and stuff jumping up and down btw.  i am tres angry. 

wes is here.  i could give a shit but apparently he conned fuggo jillian with country music or something.  (side note- they just showed gwen again and homegirl ain't lookin so good)  anyway they keep talking about he is "america's biggest villian" like ferreal?  wouldnt that be charles manson or something?

anyway.  some ho named krisilly comes and no one knows who she be.  elizabeth aka the 30 year old nanny that wouldnt let jake kiss her on her wrinkly forehead has arrived and she is no is blonde and she just said "twittebated" i think.  i think she meant twitterpated like thumper says in bambi but she fucked it up.  she likes some guy named kovax who i have never seen before adn she calls him by his last name like kids in high school.  (ps tenley squeaked again)

someone name kYpton with a Y has arrived (oh im sorry its "kiptYn")  she just shat herself when he arrived.  i smell a virginal dance party theme coming up.  oh christ.

now some bitches come who no one cares about and they get 5 seconds of screen time. ashley is here.  she is forgettable. also, someone named peyton. 

this is an actual artist rendering of ashley and peyton.

but here is what is important

MICHELLE IS HERE. 

 
you remember?  crazy fucking michelle?  they think she has a hot bod but they are afraid she might chop off your weiner.  

weatherman hopes gia is going to come and guess who comes?  my darlin ducklips!  how i have missed her so!  all the other girls are sad cuz when gia comes in and takes all the attention away. they are hypnotized by da collagen!!.

hmmmm MY FAVE evil patrick dempsey is here and his name is "craig M".  i dont care if hes evil he's hotness and oh so douchey.  they rpatz hair, the turquoise shirt, the cropped white pants, the hugs in which he doesnt actualy let his body touch yours.  i love him. steal my heart.  this now means weatherman is my mortal enemy!  it's war weatherman!!!!!!!