ZE END!!! (of the first episode)

weeeeee! itz only herpes simplex 1!

this is going to be a long end of the summer, i tell you.  who the f is peyton?  i don't care but everytime i see her im like who are you and where did you come from?  at least krissily has a stupid name we could remember. 

oh DAYUM, wrinkles just said she was gone for hours and he didnt even ask her how her day was!!?  naggin betch.  oh no! now she says she is in love with jesse kovax TO jesse kovax and he is not feelin it.  she is now trying to strategize with him and tells him if he treats her poorly it will have negative consequences  on him.  like what is she the godfather?  im not sure what just happened there ( he is too- he just said he is completely confused)

oh christ she is crying and says when she kisses him she feels love and when she kisses him she doesnt feel it back and it hurts.  Evil Pdempz and heidi fliess are back and they are accompanied by swing music!  ah TENLEY IS DANCING!!!!! (

my roommate just said she loves tenley btw.  i smell tension! HAI ROOMAY :)  omg michelle has locked squeaky mouse in the bathroom to confront her about starting the rumor about her hooking up with my bf.  michelle should be thanking squeaky for this!  thats the hottest thing that has happened to her sex lyf in YEARZ.  

squeaky pantz is crying hysterically, pretty much fearing for her life cuz of michelle. gramma wrinkles tells her to chill and they will get michelle out and squeaky's tears mysteriously stop.   and the ze emmy goes to squeakalicious for best performance in a comedy or musical.  anyway moving on, its commercial time.  no push ups have been done.  i give up now. 

ok so natalie is talking to JUAN (pronounce huh-wannnn) and i don't care so we are going to skip this part. bla bla boring.  krisiillily is tryina' tell the bitches how to play the game and she is doing the homegirl head shake with her finger waving in the air like she's on maury.  wrong channel bebe!

it's time to start votin bitches OFF!  not tryina' be a betch (i am) but nikki has some wattlage hangin off of her very otherwise strongly featured face.  i no getz it.  anyway people are voting for michelle and then evil pdempz says right to her face NOPE i didnt vote for you!  liez! so convincingly!  much like a sociopath!  swoonz.   sweet and sour chicken votes for huh-wan cuz she is plans with lil mz. junk in da trunk!

GAH i am getting so tired.  i hope not every episode is two hours long! i don't know if i have the stamina.  perhaps this is why i should have gone to ze gym?  OH MAN.  well chris harrison is here to rock me gently off to sleep.  if he says your name you are safe and get a rose from mrs. TEEF (rycroft).   craig m and heidi jessi feliss are ok. 

my darling duck lips, gia: safe

jesse b (tattoos, banging orange chicken): safe

peyton, ms. forgettable: safe

kiptYn: safe

princess squeaky mouse: safe

junk in da trunk nikki: safe

ms. forgettable #2, ashley: safe

david (i just read he was very "Crude" on jillian's season): safe

sweet & sour chicken, natalie: safe

wes (not a lot of screen time for america's biggest villain): safe

gwen, queen of the collagen dark ages: safe! (score for the aarp generation)

gramma wrinkles the II: safe

the weatherman:  safe

(krisisililiy and kovaxx are safe. boring.)

UGH.  HU-wann and CRAZY MICHELLE are gone already!!!! hu-wan is actually kinda cute.  sadz.  crazy michelle, why is our time always cut so short?!  why can't you control the crazy just long enough so we can hang?  i go to bed with a broken heart, i must rest now,. so til next monday my friend(z).

WOMPITYWOMP:SUMMER EDITION!!

CHRISTMASTIME IS UPON US!!!...(ze parte 1)

 

today legitimately is like christmas for me and at least one of my friends (i'm lookin at you wingster) because THE BACHELOR PAD is starting tonight.  in the first 60 seconds of the preview there is enough making out, hot tubs and bathing suits to make you wanna get an AIDS test.  squeaky mouse and allllll the other other crazies i have missed and hated so much in the past are here.  seriously...chris harrison is coming out to talk to us and im getting MAD antsy, let's begin.

holy shit they are all coming out of the limo to see ma boy chris harrison and first out is mother effing squeaky mouse.  she is still squeakin and talking about her husband cheating on her.  she literally says cheers to me while toasting herself in the house alone. 

next theres jesse b.  i dont know him. 

next natalie, from jasons season- i remember her because she was a crispy orange color and reminded me of chinese food.  tenley and her are squeaking and "shaking" about each other being there.

theres some dude named david, he looks familiar but i feel like he may have been scary. 

next is GWEN and she looks like she filled her face with all kinza chemical shit from season 2.  david called her old.  BURN.  

tenley is still squeaking cuz jessie s.  is here.  she looks like heidi fliess to me. why is squeaky mouse so surprised to see everyone?  she is pissing me off alreadyyyy. 8 mins in!! 

zu see? (and yes i know that is jamie lynn sigler playing heidi fleiss back uppp)

the weatherman has now arrived. he does NOT wanna see craig M.  and guess who is coming soon!  CRAIG M.  i like how they put the last initals with their names like they are in kindergarten.  

some bitch named natalie banged some dude named JUAN once and i dont give a shit.  drink up biyatchhhh. tenley is still squeaking and stuff jumping up and down btw.  i am tres angry. 

wes is here.  i could give a shit but apparently he conned fuggo jillian with country music or something.  (side note- they just showed gwen again and homegirl ain't lookin so good)  anyway they keep talking about he is "america's biggest villian" like ferreal?  wouldnt that be charles manson or something?

anyway.  some ho named krisilly comes and no one knows who she be.  elizabeth aka the 30 year old nanny that wouldnt let jake kiss her on her wrinkly forehead has arrived and she is no is blonde and she just said "twittebated" i think.  i think she meant twitterpated like thumper says in bambi but she fucked it up.  she likes some guy named kovax who i have never seen before adn she calls him by his last name like kids in high school.  (ps tenley squeaked again)

someone name kYpton with a Y has arrived (oh im sorry its "kiptYn")  she just shat herself when he arrived.  i smell a virginal dance party theme coming up.  oh christ.

now some bitches come who no one cares about and they get 5 seconds of screen time. ashley is here.  she is forgettable. also, someone named peyton. 

this is an actual artist rendering of ashley and peyton.

but here is what is important

MICHELLE IS HERE. 

 
you remember?  crazy fucking michelle?  they think she has a hot bod but they are afraid she might chop off your weiner.  

weatherman hopes gia is going to come and guess who comes?  my darlin ducklips!  how i have missed her so!  all the other girls are sad cuz when gia comes in and takes all the attention away. they are hypnotized by da collagen!!.

hmmmm MY FAVE evil patrick dempsey is here and his name is "craig M".  i dont care if hes evil he's hotness and oh so douchey.  they rpatz hair, the turquoise shirt, the cropped white pants, the hugs in which he doesnt actualy let his body touch yours.  i love him. steal my heart.  this now means weatherman is my mortal enemy!  it's war weatherman!!!!!!!

Recapz: The Hoes Tellin' Thangz On the Wingz of Loooove!

OH Here we gooo… I’m pretty late on this one cuz as I mentioned before I was attempting to have a social life of my own this week, but never fear, that shit crashed and burned so I will probs never miss an episode of this crap again!

Even in the 30 second promo, I’m getting the anxietyz. C.HArz says they brought back the most interesting ones only and these kitties came with their claws OUT and ready to fight.

Anyway its Chris Harrison and jakeypoo one on one time, how romantic.  They should cut the shit and fast-forward to when these two enter their own lil fantasy suite. Sorry sorry back to the bitches…

They’re already talking about this ROzlyn baloney and how Jakeypoo was being all noble saying he wanted to stand with Chris Harrison while he told the ladies.  I think I heard a collective awwww from across the country when he said those douchey words.  The part that kills me-still- is when all the girls started to cry when they found out about lil Rozy’s indiscretions.  Like who cares you idiots, she skanked it up so you could live to see another week.  Be Thankful and STFU!

Anyway, now they’re talking about the number 2 crazy in town, Elizabeth (number one is obvs ma girl Michelle who we will get to later).  Elizabeth was pretty, but defo kind of nuts with her don’t kiss me unless you’re gonna marry me shtick.  What is she Amish?  The nuzzlin her head all up in jakeypoo’s face during the fireworks?  Ho needed a reality check big time. I wonder if she tries to pull that shit with guys in the real world.  Maybe she does and that’s why she’s a 29 year old really attractive nanny who needs a reality show to find a man. Oh sick burrrnnn. PS Jake says he has friends who have done that before, which of course he would. OH WELL, I’m bored. Moving on…

Now they’re talking about Snausages, who really I have spent too much time thinking about in recent weeks so I refuse to partake in their little romantic lit flashback shit they’re doing right now.  They bungee jump. She’s fun.  Jake screams like a little girl.  Done and doneeee.

Hmmm.. Discussing his love with mouseymouse. Squeakity, squeakz y’all! I will pass.  Nice turtleneck though Jakeypantz! 

Double Hmmm... More Ali shit? BO-RING.

OK for the record I refuuuuuse to comment on these past bachelor cast reunion things they are interjecting into this show.  Chris Harrison just told me it’s a “Sexy New Phenomenon: Bachelor Cast Reunions”.  I’m going to have to disagree with every word of that statement. You know what was a "sexy new phenomenon"?  Girls getting tongue rings in the 90's.  Old people having those swingers parties where everyone puts their car keys in a bowl and swaps partners  (i saw that in a movie on lifetime once). That gay purple telletubby. These lil reunions do NOT qualify. Get ya facts straight.   Moving on...

OMG. I fast-forward and I get more past cast members “giving back”.  That’s nice and all but stop interrupting my fucking long awaited HOES TELL THE GOOD SHIZ programming!!  This is very disrespectful.  I blame Chris Harrison.  But PS matt the English one is cute.  Damn those accents.  Probs has a small weena.  SORRY inapprops! PPS- I kinda missed Deanna’s animatronics robot looking bobble head and the way it wiggles when she talks. More fast forwarding…

Like 30 mins into the show, Chris Harrison just told me the most memorable women are here tonight.  I have to disagree>  99% of these bitches are wack.  This one “Ashley H.” who I like to call haggard 40-year-old J.Simpson, said she wanted to clear up the controversy about her entrance.  What controversy? All I remember about her is her forehead wrinkles. Sorray.  I do remember the crazy Cambodian bitch that said something in her native tongue about letting Jake get all up on her landing strip.  Skankkk!

Oh Michelle- errybody thinks she’s crazy

My favorite part of the show so far is the part about Tenley.  Gia said she “shits rainbows” and someone else said she looks like she fell out of a Disney movie.  Snausages says she thinks she dreams in cartoons.  This may the smartest thing lil Mz. Snaussy has ever said!

Ohhh the all hate Snausages.  This is not news. Haggard J Simps was really mad about that.  I wonder if she and Ali can get a 2 for 1 forehead botox special.  Faces like deez are the reason I do not tan.  I’m just sayinnnn…

Bla Bla Bla… Chris Harrison just told Elizabeth “You’re never as cool as you think you are” BURN.

It’s time to talk about HotRoz. DUN DUN DUNNNNN…

Gia says she didn’t sleep in their room. Haggard J. Simps says she witnessed mad cuddles (she’s jealous). The brown haired one who I don’t think I have ever heard speak called Jessie says that she heard something on the stairs and it was them makin out. OH SHIT. Ella Mae, the single mom (probs just Ella but she looks like an Ella Mae to me)says Rozzy said some pervy shit about “being put to bed” by the producer.  Sounds kinkalicious.  They should totes make Rozzy the next Bachlorette!

C.Harz is now talking to Gia and I don’t care so I’m gonna go walk around my apartment and do some other stuff that I deem infinitely more important than watching this ducklipped laday talk about looovin on Jakeypooz.

It’s time for MA GIRL MICHELLLLEEE!!! This bitch is so off the charts crazay and I love every second she’s on screen.  I take it back.  I don’t want Rozzy to be the next Bach, I want it to be Michelle! Imagine the insanity?  IT would be uh-maz-ing.  She just said certain people thought she was “the girl”. As in the girl FOR JAKE.  I’m assuming those certain people reside in different parts of her wackass brain.  OH well, she is nuts, everyone agrees but her, so we move on.

Ali’s up next and much like the coverage of GIA I will leave the room.  BTW all of that was only part ONE.  And I skipped parts and was bring brief.  WTFZ is wrong with these people!.  Part 2 to follow…

_________________________________

OH PARTE DOS

Ali. Mouse 2.0. gross. I refuse to watch her recapz picture in picture sad face and crying. Wah wah wah GO AWAY.  I’m going to fast forward AGAINNNNN> I just caught then end and C.Har is saying for the 5^th time how many fans Ali has.  Who are they? Where are they?  I want to talk to them real quick.

Up next Hot Rozzy.. dun dun dun

C.Harz keeps telling me ALL OF AMERICA WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT.  I’m going to have to respectfully disagree.  Haggard J.Simps just said OH MA GAHD when she walked out.  Presumably cuz she looks sexay as hale and doesn’t have wrinkles like haggardzlady does.

Anyway, Rozzy says nothing physical ever happened between her and “THE STAFFER”.  Chris Harrison is coming off like a mayjah dickface in this convo.  I feel bad for HotRoz, she may very well be lying but I really think her hotness is working against her cuz she looks like a hot lil seductress.   How come there is no footage of this alleged affair.  Aren’t there cameras around 24/7 to capture these hoes in their full glory?  Why couldn’t they capchya thissss!!! (Haggard J.Simps has such expressive facial ticks. Not sessy.  Another reason botox might be good fo her.  She is again, only 25.  YUCKO)

I’m tired of this Rozzy shit now. They cuddled.  Maybe they made out.  Who gives a shit, just kick her off the show and call it a day. Boooorrrrinnnggg. The one whose name I didn’t know (Jessie) just swore on her dog’s life cuz that’s the most important thing in her life. Big time LOLZ on that one. Puh-thetix. I’m ignoring the rest of this part bla bla bla… cept when Rozzy just snapped at C.Harz. I liked that shit. Somebody needed to knock him off his high bitchy horse.  OHHH DAYUM, ROZZY JUST SAID C.HARZ WAS HITTING ON THE STAFFER’S WIFE. BURNNNNNN!  (he hit back with some jesus shit about learning life lessons, bo-ring!)

OH OH OH HERE COMES JAKEYPANTZ.  I hit the snooze (aka google prince hot ginge for my friend and loyal reada ema-reeeee. Shout out EMA-REE!)  His heart was crying when he kicked out Gia (sobz) and he says Ali will always have a friend (barf).

Now they are showing outtakes.  None of which are making me laugh, only showing me that Jake’s an even bigger tool than I thought.  He didn’t know the difference between self deprecating and self-defecating AND he asked his bf C.HArz how he got his teef so white. But is he happy with his decision… Jake pauses and says with zero enthusiasm “Yes.  I’m Happy” which I am going to interpret as he picked SNAUSAGES, who he just called the risky, blunt, intense choice. How flattering!!

And that’s it.  UGH.  These hoes told me nothing!

So who will he pick??? Snausages or SqueakyMouse?! I can hardly contain my excitement (aka I don’t give a shit).  

All I can hope for now is that they make crazy Michelle the next Bachelorette- that is some shit I would tune in for.