Ze GOLDEN GLOBEZ!!!! The YESz! The NOz! The WTFz! and the mehhhhhhh....

So my friend and loyal reader Princess WingyMinaj was supposed to be hollerin about the Golden Globes all night for me cuz i had to go to a "hockey game". ferreal.  but her fianceemonster sat on her or something and deleted her jokes so here i am! anyway, i missed all the good arrival shiz and only caught the last 30 mins of the show itself and it looks as though all the people we thought would win did (natalie HERSHLAG , colin firth, christian bale, etc etc.) but i had to make some betchy outfit comments before bed or shit just would not be RIGHT, now would it? i'm sure i'll have lots to add tomorrow, but these are the pics i found on jezebel and people (dontsuemeplease!).

So I give you, the YESz, the NOz, the WTFz and the mehhhh.

oh before i start the social network just won and armie hammer is there.  sa-woooooooon.  ok now i start!!! 

THE YESz

olivia wilde.  me like sparkles. iz mezmorized! (marchesa)

quinn from glee.  gets it RIGHT son.

text another bitch tony parker i dare you. foxy eva longoria keepin it REAL.

betty draper.  i was gonna put her in another category but homegirl is bringin it with the boobies, the serious face, and the whole anti-betty thing she has been trying so hard to pull off in the off season.  good for jason sudekiz if he is still gettin with this personality-less broad!

blair waldorff! i don't know why i just like this. it's different and her face and hair and accessories are fly.  chuck bass would be so proud!

not in black! A++. so skinny it hurts my brain but i like angelina in green and sparkles and brad pitt showered as well.  the only thing that would be better would be if they brought their child army with them.  best accessories.  maddox4lyf.

amy adams.  this broad can do no wrong.  i dont LOVE the big bloppy things sticking on her- especially the one on her left ovary, but i like her pretty red hair and blue dress and otherwise funtimes personality.  sorry im BIASED to gingers (sometimes)!

this is important cuz i usually hate this toothy broad.  seriously dislike.  but im really liking the long sleeves and SPARKLEZ and backless and pretty hair and face.  see how easy i am to please?!  good jahb anne hatahaway. i go back to hatin you in 5..4..3..2..BITCH

THE NOz

aw hale naw girlfriendz! seriously. fire ya stylist, fire ya friends and fire ya main gays, cuz they all lyin to errybody out there!

emma stone. easy A. i like your new blond hurr but i do not like that your skin matches your dress and your hair and your lips.  you look like a CREAMSICLE!!! no likey.

sue sylvester.  ya killin me girl!  this actually isn't bad at all, i just want the bitch to go all out and get herself a custommade tracksuit ball gown.  think about it. BALLIN!

oh dirrrty xtina! just no no no.  i don't wanna be mean (lies) but she looks so bloated and i feel there had to have been many ways to hide that.  im cool with people EATING FOOD.  its great! aint no shame in that game! but just wear something that doesnt show off how often you do that. ZING sorry! but ferreal this is just fug. no gracias (remember when she did a spanish language album!?)

aw queen chichiballz joan holloway! i did not like the giant flower freak thing when carrie bradshaw did it in 1999 and i do not like it now! not so big! your boobies are big enough, stop trying to steal their thunder! also, ferreal, if you're gonna do this you do sleek hairdo lady, any gay worth their salt could have told you that! what a shame!

gahd she is pretty. i adore miss halle and her eternal fountain of youth benjamin buttons shit she is doin with her face, boobies, and boday, but i do not like this dress.  it stanks of confusion and 90210 (original cast) and i do not like the double bracelets either if we are bring picky, which we ARE. the top and the bottom just don't agree with each other and also it's like a rat tail.  think about it.  halle berry is wearing a gigantic rat tail!

oh jen from dawsons creek!  she has come so far but just NO.  i think i read that valentino made this and i wonder if he lost a bet. or maybe she lost a bet. sorry no thanks thats all!

america's sweetheart bla bla. dress your age homegirl.  clip-on hair pieces like your bangs are best reserved for the lea michelle's and the snooki's of the universe. the dress isnt bad per se, it's just ruined by the helmet thang coverin that nice lil face of hers.  again no sanks!

MEHhhh

you guys just bore me. or confuse me. i just don't know and i have work tomorrow! (how ruuuude to MLK amiright?) anyway, straight snoreeeeez.  where's ya A GAME!?

mila kunis, wearing a smaller one of those poof things.  not a killer exactly and i like the green but i dont like your pouty face and you dumped kevin mcallister!! i just feel meh, but like good job for being in a real movie with natalie hershlag!!

this broad. i love her even tho i really think she lies about her age.  she is a fierce ass bitch even if she is really like 64.  but again i like the color, the crinkley lookin biznezz and the draping BUT it reminds me of a christmas tree too much.  like i feel if i got close to her, not that she would ever let me hug her, but if she did, i would get stuck with lots of little pine needles and leave wreaking of evergreen air freshners. meh.

claire danes.  too skinny!! married to hugh dancy.  major swoon but your skinniness scares me about him cuz it makes me wonder if he likes real ladies if ya know what i mean.  your skinniness ain't good for ANY OF US.  pull an xtina, eat something and get back to me.  nice color though!

jlo srsly? u bore me. again dress your age. this ain't yo Quinceañera!

hershlag!!! (if anyone out there is slow portman is her stage name and she was born in da holy land jersualem and she went to harvard and if there is such a thang as reincarnation i wanna come back as her, but keep the hershlag name rockin of course) ANYVAZE, im sorry to put you in this category. i really love you as professed above, and i love that your preggie and happy and engaged and showin off ya bump, but i dont like the big sparkley flower on your boobies. i just don't love the whole thing. BUT i must say, unsurprisingly you won and your acceptance speech was so endearing just like you and please forgive me and redeem yourself when you win your SAG and OSCAR k? thankzbai!

 ANDDD...the WTFz!!

these go beyond just plain old NOz and MEHz.  these defy all logic and make one's brain explode wondering how they managed to get past so many mirrors, stylists, friends, family, bfs, gfs and car windows (you can see your reflection bitches!). like who let you out of the house!?

helena bonham carter. i get this is her THING to be all kooky but i don't appreciate it. and yes i see your shoes are two different colors,HOW FUNNY ARE YOU!? this is like when a new parent has pics of their kid doing with spaghetti sauce all over their face and try to show you HOW FRICKIN CUTE!?! their baby is, but all i see is gross ass mess.  THIS is JUST LIKE THAT!

megan fox. who is allowing you to get things injected in your face?  you're like 23 right? maybe 24 tops? seriously is it just me or does she look a lil snipped and tightened? i honestly didn't even look at the dress cuz her face is all SCURRIN ME!

TILDA SWINTON!look at her winkin at us! but yeah, again. this is her thing.  she has been showin up to awards shows for years now lookin like a hot mess in a burlap sack so whatever this may even be an improvement but still a resounding WTFz from the audience.

gah! iz blinded by the color!! one more time everybody say it with me DRESS YA AGE and wear two sleeves and dont make me WTFz you ever again julianne moore! this was even worse on tv than it looks in da pic. like fright night style bad. i like you, but barfies with the neon bar sign color and poofy unisleeve and STUFF.

oh christian bale.  wtfzzzz!  that hair and that scraggle better be for a role or we are gonna be in a FIGHT! 

 ok so i gtg to shleep but i have been watching my dvr'd version of E!'s red carpet.  juliana is so annoying and also needs to eat food. GAHD. she is always talkin about wanting to have bebes, but i really think some doctor should tell her that in order to come down witha  case of the bebes you need to have like .5 oz of body fat to start.  anyway, ok i'm leaving now she is talking to some bro named johnny gallecki who is on a show i don't watch but i recognize him as darlene's boyfriend from roseanne from like 1988 (snap, imdb says it was 1992-1997 EXCUSE ME), but yeah ferreal I GOTTA GO!!! it's bedtime where i will dream of so many sparkles and tafetta and poofy attachments and spanks dancing on fire with my pal the devil in hell!  i'll be back in a few days to catch us up on the househoes, but for now, iz go meow.

yes we know.  dis is our futchya!

WE'RE BAAAACK!!!! BEVERLY HILLS HOUSEHOES COULD NOT KEEP ME AWAY!!

 hello my faithful (three) readers!  i know it's been months, but i am back to share the snark and love similar to the way normal people spread the HOliday cheer! my hiatus was caused by a few things like getting a real job (no longer an assistant like LOLLY- suck it!), but  truthfully, much like celebs check into the hospital after suffering from "exhaustion", i had to check into my own lil rehab to retrain my brain to function normally after subjecting it to hours of the bachelor pad, the housewives of DC and the occasional indulgence in jessica simpfattyson's price of beauty.

in between there was other crap i could have blogged about.  skating with the stars, the jersey shore, my big fat friggin wedding or some shit, but none of them gave me the warm tingles in the empty spot where my heart is supposed to be like the HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS!!

I just started watching these all natural, unpretentious, salt of the earth goddesses last week so forgive me for coming in so late and not wanting to recap you on all the previous goings on cuz there were a lot and it was juuuiiicy (if your desire is that hardcore google that ish).   i'm on my third sick day in a row thanks to the mothereffing FLU nd this is literally the highlight of my week. i can finally sit up like a human and almost fully function.  ALMOST. i can barely contain my excitement. ferreal.  lezgo!

Taylor, oh sweet Taylor.  she is from the south or something.  she once said "don't make me take you outside and go all oklahoma on your ASS!" to kim during a fight, and that is all it took for me to fall in love with her and her giantly inflated duck lips.  homegirl is really pretty minus those smackeroos, but she has a sad sad feeling in her heart cuz she has this rich dickass husband named russell who is no fun and doesn't seem to like her!  he makes me leave parties and said he wasn't interested in her when they met.  he is fug and she is in denial and i feel mayjah sadz for her.

see?  he is a total toad looking dick head.  and he is mean. BOO!!

  Anyvaze, we move on to my fave, LISA VANDERPLUMP.  she is british (<3), seems to love her great rod stewart looking husband who she's been with for like 38 years, has successful restaurants she may or may not run, but at least she "works, and they always carry around a teeny little fluffy dog named JIGGY dressed in cute little outfits, and has this hot guy named cedric who lives with them cuz she has some maternal love for him and her husband is pretty much cool with it (tho this ep he is growing a lil tired of it).  this makes me love her even more cuz i believe her, there is no pool boy shtupping going on here and she is just nice and much like ma girl from DC, CAT (rip) everything she says sounds awesome and bitchy and she says DAHLING. oh she is a FOX.  Oh and ps she has a daughter named Pandora, and they have this bday party for her and her hot BF does this weird thing where he stands up declares his love for her and how he wants to spend his life for her then sits back down without proposing.  it was weird but he is hot too so i just had to mention it.  also jiggy looks so fierce in this scene- purple velvet rhinestone jacket.

YES YES SHE IS.  CUNTMILLE!!

We move on to Camille Grammer, now ex wife of ma man Frasier Crane and I hate her so much I want to devote as little time as possible.  She complains about having four nannies for her 2 kids, a house manager, a million sq. foot nyc apt that is "too small" for her staff and at one point takes the spotlight from her mother who has cancer to talk about how she is afraid of having cancer and had a battery of tests cuz its all about her. all the time. suchhhh a cunt.  she kisses other people's husbands on the mouth, dances like a stripper, dresses like a tramp and bla bla bla. also she is a nemesis of my other favorite ho Kyle who we will get to later. so camille is a total gold diggin tramp and i can see why frasier left her for a 28 year old flight attendant, but so what, who cayuhs, i hate her ahhhh!!she will now forever be known as CUNTMILLE!!!

Anyfart, Kyle Richards is one Paris Hilton's aunt and she has brown hair in a sea of blondes, she appears to be able to move her forehead a little bit AND she has a husband who she is in love with and who loves her back and cute kids and a nice, take no shit attitude.  she does have an annual white party though, which so far, aside from being the sister of KIM RICHARDS (we will get to her later too)is her only flaw, cuz homegirl is not p.diddy. but whatever my love for her will never die.

so CUNTMILLE has this lame ass tennis party with english tea sandwiches and the elusive adrienne MALOOF and her goofy husband come.  adrienne seems like a nice lady.  her family owns the palms casino or something and her husband is a plastic surgeon and if we are being honest, sweetthang is a few procedures away from becoming the cat lady!!

tell me i'm wrong?!

ok so there's some scene in the pool and the other ladies don't bring their suits cuz they don't wanna and camille is all flouncing around with her giant fake tittaysacks showin off in front of their husbands and no one is pleased. MaLOOF and kyle eventually jump in the pool so people stop bitching at them and further prove to me that they are cool and don't take themselves too seriously.  i'm easy to please duh. kyle is planning her white party, bla bla, i will not indulge her in this cuz again, only diddy has white parties. i fast forward.  kyle and hubby mauricio tell each other they look gorgeous and it warms my heart.  when i grow up, can i haz that?!  kthanx!

Anyone notice or care that "former child star" and self proclaimed ICON (must watch this) KIM RICHARDS, aunt of paris and sister of kyle has not made an appearance on this ep yet (on the other end of the phone doesn't count)?  it's cuz she's boring as hell and always looks sad and is obsessed with her kids and doesn't have a husband and has that crinkly neck syndrome like LYNDA from DC and wah wah wah.  normally i would feel bad for someone in such a sitch, but i can't i'm sorry.  she looks like a precious moments character whose kitten just got run over by a monster truck!

Everyone arrives at the white party looking FAB, including jiggy in a white satin tux, and poor Taylor wants to dance but sad sack RUSSELL just loafs around and eats and is antisocial. UGH he sucks so hard she gets really sad.  she finally stands her ground and says she will not leave when he wants to and it is sad cuz she is choking back the tears cuz kyle and mauricio are so in love and she wants that and she wants to dance and have fun goddamit.  poor taylor. 

there is a funny part cuz they are serving food called fat burger and none of these women eat (clearly) and taylor can fit her mouth around a double and cedric says LUCKY RUSSEL.  IF ONLY. so they stand in the corner, she eats french fries one at a time which i find odd and he does not smile. i hATEZ. her face is all WTF why doesn't he like ME? (see photo at right).  it.does.not.make.sense.  that's all!

OK so bla bla, Sad Kim gets like 30 seconds of screen time running into some dude Lisa set her up on a date with cuz she agrees with us all that kim is one desperate bitch, so there's that awkward interaction for a lil bit.

Soon, CUNTMILLE arrives, but only long enough to give my bff KYLE a book about how to have manners and behave or some shit.  Kyle rolls her eyes so hard they practically get stuck in the back of her head but laughs it off like a LAYDAY. but i think on the inside she is feeling more like this: 

 

Anyway poor Taylor complains some more about her shit ass marriage and about how Russell won't dance and have fun and she is just sad.  she puts her foot down and says she has left enough times when she didn't wanna so GOOD FOR YOU HOMEGIRL.  GOOD FOR YOU AND YOUR LIPS!!! I smell a divorce on the horizon.  She cries to Kyle and Lisa, probs the best people to cry to cuz they are coolest but also the worst cuz their marriages appear to kick ass.  she should really be talkin to KIM if she wants to feel better about her situation.  ZING!

So that's all there is for the night.  poor taylor is left standing on the side of the road waiting for her limo looking sad holding a piece of birthday cake and then they go to a shot of her saying "i feel like i have this life i just want to celebrate, i just wish he would celebrate with me" and cries. UGH now i wanna cry!!

Next week's preview looks AWESOME.  There's some type of birthday party for Kyle's daughter, MaLOOFs shopping, Lisa telling Kyle to cut the crap and stop laughing and joking and be honest about how she feels and then my favorite, CUNTMILLE says frasier wants to end their marriage! Oh and surprise no Kim. HA!!!

until next time y'all!!!!

*also a little editor's note- for some reason "meg ryan botox" is one of the top search terms that brings people to my site so let me just say MEG RYAN AND HER BOTOX ARE DATING JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP.  meh heh heh i tricked you to come here, i hope you stay. bye for now!