Real Life Idiot Quote of The Day

"But without electricity, we can still watch TV right?"

                 

- my roommate, in response to ConEd saying they were going to turn off our gas and electric if we didn't pay up.  oopz

Recapz: Jessica Simpson & The Price of BeauTAYYYY!!

So tonight is the premiere of this sure to be classic show “The Price of Beauty” starring Mz. Jessica Simpleton, ken paves, hair guru and Queen of all Da Twinkletoes in the universe, and her bff CaCeeCobb (salad). 

So I guess the whole premise of this shit is that Simpz and co. are going to go all around the world figuring out what real beauty is.  This must have been PaPa Joe and Tina’s way of trying to make JS regain her confidence after THE INCIDENT aka THE CHILLI COOKOFF AKA aka THE MOM JEANS SEEN ROUND DA WORLD!!!

Anyvaze, they are off to Thailand this epi and we begin with them getting Thai massages and Jessie said she "hopes she doesn’t pass gas" and CaCEE doesn’t get to have one cuz she is the third wheel wearing poopy colored brown dress and a frowny face to match. *Fun Fact: CaCEECcobbsalad gets to date Murray from Clueless so she should drop the frowny face ASAP.  She is the luckiest sidekick hanger-on in da universe.  Murray was FAWIIIINE.  K sorry moving on...

Mizz Simpz, with all due respect, looks like she has cotton balls in her cheeks during her little one on one camera time.   I’m not hatin’, I’m just stating a FACT.

So bla bla bla some Thai bro fortuneteller just told her she is going to have good luck in love with a small guy—maybe he means him?! Queen Pavez starts up the giggle parade and now they are off to be eating bugs that speed up your metabolism.  GETZ ME SOME OF THOSE BUGGGGZZZ

It’s hard to believe, as she’s gagging all over these bugs and talking about slime on her tongue (gross, Jessica GAHD) that this is the woman John Mayer called “sexual napalm”.  Google it.

Ohhh apparently in Thailand it's cool to be pale- I would fit right in!!! After this I go on expedia.commmm!! But, oh what a downer, now they are taking J.Simpz and friends to see a lady who fucked up her skin trying to be pale. It’s upsetting my roommate, she's leaving the room!! J.Simpz is breaking up our Monday night fun!   Stupid bitchhhh, I will never forgive you for this!
 

Commercial break just happened that featured a commercial for some more J.Simpz products! How convenient!  BUT back to Mz. Simpleton!! she just drove around in a tuk tuk, which anyone who has ever seen ANTM knows is one of those lil bike cabs, but even tho JS was just in one, she says she still doesn’t really know what a tuk tuk is.  idiot.

Now this I can appreciate.  she is trying to meditate and can’t keep her shit together.  I imagine this is what would happen if I had to do this shit in front of a monk too. Lil Queen Paves looks PISSED that she interrupted his sexy meditating time.  he had some Asian tats all over his arm so you know he takes that shit SURRIOUS.

ok now they are going to see these long necked ladies via elephant who Jessie just said was "HIGH UP" and "felt like a giant scrotum" (shout out to John Mayer?)

They just gave Queen Twinklytoes some one on one screen time and we now know why he isn’t gonna get a lot. homegirl looks like his last face pulled a wittttttle too tight at his last appointment.  Homegirl be lookin' SIR-PRISED!!

Oh and CaCeeCobb's a bright one too- she says some women had this many rings, some had this many, and some had THIS MANY!!! And she wanted to learn allll about rings!!!!!

How do these ring ladies in the middle of nowhere know English enough to talk to simpleton and her posse full of fairy dust?!

BAH now they are putting neck rings on them and only twinklytoes ken looks fresh.  CaCEECcobbsalad looks like she's wearing a golden neckbrace.

next week they are going to Paris, I wonder if they’re gonna tell her she’s a fatty?  Previews certainly hint at it.

And that's it for now.. but for those of you with a stronger stomach, a show called TRANSform Me is about to start and stars 3 tranny women who give makeovers to frumpy real women.  And one of the trannyz is named LAVERNE.  You know Princess Paves would wanna be Shirley…

womp.womp

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why 'Merica?!  Why you got play like dis?

Sending home my favorites Alex "FloHendersonHair" Lambert AND Lilly Scott!?  Big Timez WTF!!?

PS- They also sent home Katelyn Epperlyz (wrong choice) and TODDRICK (correct)

So yeah that means several more weeks of Paige whatever her name is, the girl with the sick grandma, Twinkletoes Aaron Kelly, and more. 

I'm hurtin.  Da faith iz gone. Blaga OUT.

Trouble In Snausagidise!!

The ink hasn't even dried on Snausages & Jake's contracts (for her to be his beard, and for he to get her on the cover of magazines that she can inevitably parlay into a career in either "Celebrity Boxing" matches vs. the likes of Tanya Harding or of course, the old standby, Porn) and there's already trouble a'brewin!!

But lookey here!  It's not even been a week and this tool box is already creating drama with his sweet lil Snaussy!

Czech It Out...

And yes THIS is the face of the man 25 women were fighting over.  And he's straight.  HA!

womp.womp.

Here we are again, ready to lay the womps down on some kidz and their dreamz.Let me start by saying these group numbers are horrific.  They get worse and worse every time I watch and they make me feel so uncomfs.  Like we know that lil twinky Aaron Kelly loveeees doin the dance numbers, but how bout bowersoxx?  Could she be any more out of her element?  I doubts it in a mayjah way.  Plus I think they are lip-synching which is fine cuz if they weren’t they would sound like a bunch of cats getting beaten in a sack, so I guess they are sparing us there. But anyway its results night, my fave.  Time to kick some bitches OFF!

 

OH NOOOOO!!!! ZE AJAN IZ LEAVINNNN MEEE!! Just when we were getting close and learning things about each otha!  And that means Toddrick obnoxious Hall is going to stay around to torture me for another week.  Ugh to the max.  Goodbye my sweet sweet Ajan friend.  Konichiwa! (yes i know that means hello. fuckoff)

In other news, Jermaine “I rocks ma onesie” Sellers is OUT and I am so pleased to see him and his bowties get the f out.  He’s talking about God and stuff so therefore I am not listening. Moving Onnnn.. Lets get to the ladies!! Ugh wait.  Danny Gokey is coming back next to bother me.  I loved him in the beginning and it’s really not his fault but the producers made me hate him by pumping up his sad story too much.  It took away from how good he was (even if he did remind of Taylor Hicks at times) AND they booted his bff and my long lost love JAMAR!!!

Wow he is being SO annoying.  He told Ryan to “check this out yo”, asked Ellen if he could go on her show AND talked about his dead wife, which I was trying to avoid spelling out so as not to be a dick, but he said it!!  He’s gone, thank Jeezus

NOICEEEE!! They saved DiDi the singing waitress and got rid of the crazy betch, Michelle Delamor.  She of the diaper dress and the fingerless gloves with the ring on the outside!  She’s gonna keep going forward bla bla, sorry betch, you’ll only be going forward til you hit the street where your pimp will be there to welcome you back with open arms.

OH OH we are down to HAELAEAY and Lacey.  Please send HAELAYAY home pleeeease.  I actually don’t like either of them, and yes it may be more fun to make fun of HAELEAY in the weeks to come, but my ears disagree.  OH well, ‘Merica got it right!

Peace out HAELAYE time to go back to Pooter or something?  (Ryan just said that’s where she’s from)

Recapz: YellowTeefz is Back in Action!

OK so we have the ladayz tonight, and shocka I’m watching it on time! So we jump right on in with....

BOWERSOXX. Who apparently was super sick yesterday, but she just killed some song I never heard and errybody loved the shit out of it.  Oh and she has a twin brother named Karl who is a total square she tells me. I can’t say much else cuz I was pretty confident she was gonna kill it so I didn’t really pay attention, but shocka khan, she did. 

Da judges:  They all loved it and Simon said she is gonna be Kelly Clarkson or something.  Sick burn on all the other girls.

HAELEAY. Ugh god I hate her and all her glittery shit and terribly colored makeup.  Don’t they have stylists on this show?  She’s talking about how she makes headbands and they are just as fug as she is (SORRY) her giant teeth and mouth and slight lisp just annoy the shit out of me.  Oh and she’s singing a Hannah Montana song.  This is gonna be a hot mess for me.  Ok if I close my eyes, she’s not awful yet, but how come she doesn’t have the lisp when she sings?  I don’t getz.

Da judges:  They hates it too. Byebye HAELAYEAY

LACEY.  This ho looks like a low budget Nikki McKibin from season 1.   Wow her “interesting” fact is that she buys and refurbishes old furniture.  How intriguing, ya nerd.   She’s singing “Kiss Me” from She’s All That (great film), but I am already bored.  I didn’t like when the first girl sang it and now I like it even less when it’s paired with this horrific spiky red hair and poofy-shouldered ensemble.  Wow it keeps getting worse as the song goes on.  UNfortz.  Get her off my screen, no one wants to kiss her punky lil face when she’s singin’ like dis.

Da judges:  Big Dawg Randy says it just wasn’t special.  Ellen says it was adorable.  I think we should start factoring Ellen’s lezzyness into her judgments here cuz homegirl is WAY OFF and is letting her ladyparts do the thinkin’, not her brain.  Kara yappin, I’m not listening.  Simon sez it’s forgettable bla bla.

KATIE STEVENZ.  (aka the one with the sick grandma, I think)  Oh, what we don’t know is she’s a total skank, and knows how to say “give me a kiss” in six different languages.  She just told America not to think too badly of her, but I already do.  Too late!  Lil Sluttykinz.   K so she’s singing Go Put Your Records On, which I love, but we will waitz and seez.   She is so much better than I expected her to be, I’m not like in looove or anything (my heart belongs to gray-haired Lilly) but she is good and stuff.  Kudoz lil slut!

Da judges:  Randy says there were some bright momentz but it’s not that good. Kara and Ellen don’t love it eitha.  Maybe I misheard.   Simon sez it’s frustrating cuz she’s needs experience and stuff.  Seacrest mentioned BEIBER again!! I think he loves him.

DIDI.  Used to be a mascot apparently.  Ugh before she hits the stage she prays (UGH) and she MEOWS.  Yeah, she meows.  Good God. Ok she’s singing Lean On Me and I already don’t likez cuz you don’t fuck with a classic unless you’re really good and this is not really good.  She’s reminding me of J.Simpz and not in a good way- with the yelly-singing and awkward hand motions and whatnot.  Oh well. Unfortunate cuz I liked her in Hollywood I think.

Da judges:  Randy gives a polite HALE NAW.  Ellen yapped something.  Kara hatez it and is talking with the chompy jaw thing again.  Simon sez she sounded like a cat! Screeching! Sick burn SiSi!  Damn she is so close to crying she won’t even talk to Seacrest!  Bitch needs to grow upppppppp.

MICHELLE. I am bored by her already.  Her interesting fact is that she works with kids.  She sounds like she’s reciting the lines to that Whitney Houston song.  I believe that children are the future.  She also prays before she goes on stage (bo-ring).  She’s singing Creed and wearing one half-glove with a ring on the outside of it.  Her dress looks like a fluffy white diaper.  Meh.  Just meh, that’s all I have to say about her.  Yikes the end of that was BAD.

Da judges:  Randy and Ellen like her wacko outfit.  But it was eh.  I just looked up and noticed Ellen has a really wrinkly neck.  Such pretty blue eyes but her neck looks mangled.  Chompy Kara loved it.  She’s such an idiot. Simon liked it too. Yuckyz.  Dislike.

LILLLLAYYY. Ma girl.  She’s gonna sing Sam Cooke. I cross my fingers for her cuz I love this bitch for real.   Her interesting fact is that she plays a shitload of instruments, which makes me like her even more.  Tonight she playing the 12-string geetar and I liked it, but I am biased. OH WELLLLLL.

Da judges:  Randy said it was fave of the night. YES.  Ellen says she has IT.  Kara was RIVETED. Simon sez Bowersox was better but she was great. 

(ps i like her so much she gets a double pic. BOOM)

KATELYN.  Is singing Coldplay and playin the piano.  I really like it.  I don’t remember her from any other time before but she just won my cold cold heart over for real. And she’s cute.  She’s playing it reeeeeeally slow though.  It’s good though I likez her.

Da judges:  Randy “actually really liked it”.  Ellen says it was too slow.  Chompy says she “kind of loves her”.  Simon said it was a smart choice of song but he said she becomes quiet corny when she performs which I don’t really get cuz she just was sitting there playing the piano.  Weirdzz

PAIGE.  Who the ef is Paige?  Never heard of her.  Never seen her before. I actually just walked out of the room when she was singing to talk about some British tabloid shit with my stepdiddy.  Wez talking about Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole and cheating scandalz for footballers.  Sorry Paige, maybe next week.

Da judges:  Randy didn’t like it.  Ellen liked it.  They just showed Paige’s friends in the audience and they are whiter than white which made me lol.  Chompy likes the song cuz she wrote it but she just said some shit about how she shouldn’t have been smiling cuz Kara wasn’t smiling when she wrote it.  How the f was Paige supposed to know that?  Ugh more hate for chompalomps. Simon sez it’s forgettable.  Oh well

SIOBHAN.  I hate this name and the way it’s spelled.  I’m just throwing it out there.  It’s pronounced ShuhVon but it looks like SeeOBhan.  So dumb.  Anyway, let’s check dis bitch out.  Bah I don’t like this girl.  She is a lil wannabe hipster and I don’t think she’s funny, but when they showed last week’s little snippet they seemed to like her.    But she’s gonna do THINK by Aretha.  Oh god terrible outfit.  Socks and heels.  Ok I think I hate it a lot. Sorray see-ob-han!  Wait, she just hit a kind of sick screechy high note.

Da judges:  Ugh Randy LOVED it.  Said it was DOPE.  Ellen loved it too.   Kara can’t get over the high note.  Simon says she is such a strange person, in a good way.  There were parts that were terrible, but that note was incredible.  I agree with dat.

FAVEZ:  DUH. Lilly and Yellowteef and a lil bit Katelyn.

HATEZ:  HAELAY. HAELAY. HAELAY.  And DiDi. wompwomp

Recapz: Top Ten Menz

The Menz are performing tonight cuz Ms. YellowTeef (aka Krystal Bowersox) is in the hospital for some reason.  I hope she and her teefs are ok, but here we go jumpin’ right into what is sure to be a hotmessssss….

Big Mike- ridic awesome.  Everyone agrees, nothing more can be said.  Just sickly good.

The judges say: Randy gives standing Ovation, they all dig it, he’s in a league of his own this one. 

Ze Ajan- wait, why is he good tonight?  I can't make any jokes except for the fact that he said "it may surprise people that English is my second language". Bahaha.  That does not surprise me AT ALL john but your good singing does.

The judges say: it wasn't spicy.  It was lukewarm but better than last time.  Oh burn, Simon said purplehaze is gonna get their lead singer back. Ouchiessss.

Ok its apparently surprising fact night…

The one with no shirt, aka Casey something- says he never had a TV and is now going to play some gavin degraw that about 50 other idol peeps have sung before.  I'm pretty sure everyone’s gonna love him cuz he’s fine; I notice tonight he has a nice mouf and nice teefs. 

The judges say: Randy just said a bunch of jibbajabba and he likes this dude.  Wah Kara didn’t like it, which shocked the world I guess. Neither did Simon. Oh welllz

Alex Lambert- Here comes ma boy- carol bradyyyy.  Apparently he vommed last week cuz he was afraid. Poor kid.  He’s gonna sing me one of my favoriteeee John Legend songs and play the geetar. Wootwoot. I liked itttttt!

The judges say: Randy likes it, Ellen likes it (he is now a ripe banana), Kara likes it, Simon likes it.  YAY all he needs now is a haircut and we'll be in some surrious business

Toddrick- first black fritz in the nutcracker bla bla race barriers.  He’s singing Tina Turner, and it was ok.  He bores the crap out of me though. I just don’t like himmmm

The judges say: Randy didn’t love it, oh god I hate when Kara talks, she’s yappin, Simon says "this is not working out for him" and he should work at a theme park.  He looks like he might cry and my icy heart is aching for him a lil bit. 

__________I'm taking a break to watch LOSTTTT_________

Jermaine- We are not friends no mo.  He longer reminds me of ma boy Jamar and is wearing a onesies and he keeps saying "I rocks ma onesie" and says he uses a steam mask that looks like a giant bong before he performs.  Maybe that’s why he rocks his onesie, cuz he is hiiiiigh.  Oh I don’t like this already.  He’s singing a really slow version of "what’s goin on" wearing a pink bow tie and a little faux hawk.  Gross. This sucks.  I predict he's out nextttt!

The judges say: They don’t like him either shockaaaa. He doesn’t like this and now he's talkin about god and I'm turning off my brain. NEXT

AGarz- sang one of my faves James Morrison and then I snoozed.  I just like him I don’t care what he does it always sounds good to me. 

The judges say: The judges don’t really like it though and said that he will never be able to live up to his original awesome Paula Abdul cover.  Dis is true.

Aaron Kelly- ugh this little twinkletoes. I cannot stand it.  He’s butchering my girl with a Rascall Flatts kinda tone.  I hit mute fo serious

The judges say: Gross the judges liked it? Simon didn’t like it so much then Kara chimed in with her weird chompy way of speech. She seriously always looks like she’s got some shit in her mouf.  Seacrest just asked the lil guy if he liked Justin Beiber and he blushed.  LOVE MATCH!

Tim Urban- Jesus, he just started talking about god right away. My biggest pet peeve everrrrrr. He’s singing Matt Nathanson and despite all my better judgment I still think he’s a cute lil thing.

The judges say: OMGz they hated him.  Ellen said he had zero charisma. Simon liked it and the kid looks shocked as haleeeee.

PS- yum shirtless, no?

Lee Dewyze- holding down the pimp spot.  Oh shit he was a bad boy in high school; they put him in an "alternative school". dun dun dun. I wonder what he did.  Mmm he's so cute I think I'm such a sucker.  He’s wearing a blue shirt showing off his bad boy tats and making his eyes so blue. Haha. Jesus.  I'm drinking the koolaid.

The judges say: The judges are beaming smiling at him.  They more or less like it even though it was a lil pitchy.  I'm hating Kara more every time she talks.  Even when I agree with her I wanna punch her.  Simon thinks he’s the best "head and shoulders above the rest" wootwoot more weeks of cuteness to come I guess yayy

LIKEZ: lee Dewyze, Alex flo-ho Lambert though I need them to cut his hair in a mayjah way, and Big Mikeeee. Surprise sneaky I liked Ze Ajan this time!

HATEZ:  Jermaine Sellerz and his onesies, Toddrick UGH.  And Aaron Kelly YUCKKKKZ lil babes!

I'm sad not to put AGarz in there, I hope he stays around but he wasn’t my faveeeeee!

And that’s that… Like Ma Babygirl Seacrest, this is LadyBlaga. OUT

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

THIS BITCH?! UGHHHH

Ps. Bachelah finale blog is coming soon.  I have been illin' and didn't wanna make myself sicker by subjecting myself to THREE hours of snausages, mouseypoo, and our girl jakey.  But, it's cominnn!