THE.BIGGEST.MISTAKE.OF.HER.LIFE!!!!!

well let me start off by apologizing to emily and the wingster as they have been patiently awaiting this betchy post.  i must also apologize to my homegirl ducklips (gia) because ABC is showing a little of the last few episodes and they told her giving the rose to wes last week was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE.  no jkz.  the biggest. mistake. of. her. life!!!!! oh gahd!

in the preview of whats coming up in this episode, the highlights are melty face nikki gets cornered for saving kiptonyte, he shows us he has a surrrrrious bald spot when he dips his head down, sweet and sour chicken would kiss everyone in the house for "like 20 bucks!" and sweet sweet gia is crying cuz she had to partake in a skanky kissing contest and said she thought this show would be innocent (could that be the biggest.mistake.of.her.life?) and she didnt think everyone was going to turn into pornstars.  idiot.  also, do we think ABC provides these cast members with fun size packs of valtrex after contests like this?  juzt wondering and if not they should.  oh yes and gia also says wes is the modern day shakespeare- but better! and cuter! ima punch this bitch in the collagen!

so right away, meltychinz is in the hot seat and ducklips is calling her out.  i zoned out looking for pictures of meltychinz only to find one of her in which two chins and half a neck was airbrushed out orrr miss thangz went on a crazy detox before picture day. 

am i right or am i right?  bitch's neck and chin now look like they are swaddled in several flesh colored snuggies...(see the bottom of the page...)

ANYVAZE...while i was zoning out i managed to pick up on a few things.  giasweetie is really upset about this kissing competition cuz she has a boyfriend back at home. the weatherman is excited cuz they will be blindfolded (he said it, not me, lil pervert) and now i look up and wrinkles mcgee is making moaning noises as all the men kiss her.   her complexion looks like a delicate mix between sand paper, sun spots, and beef jerky. am i wrong?

remember she told jakeypoo she wouldnt kiss him!  hahaha the weatherman is going at her with his little slippery tounge and made elizabeth say she "just realized how gross this is" just now?  one guy who i still don't know (KOFAX I THINK! muhaha) says that it will be fun to kiss some girls but it will be a struggle to kiss others (NIKKI WE'RE LOOKING AT CHU).  nameless faceless peyton goes.  no one cares.  gwen makes a very yucked out face when weatherman kisses her.  or was that an excited face cuz she is getting some action finally?  maybe the latter...faceless ashley bows out cuz "money cant buy her the respect of her students". lame.  skanky natalie kung pao chickenz is a slut.  nikki is gross. krissily povich looks like she is harboring some diseases in her tongue ring hole.  and no i dont know for sure if she has one so back uppppp.  squeaky mouse steps up and she says she started out giggling.  bringing out the virginal jig again are we princess squeaksalot?  as my strumpet (sounds classier) idol, joan holloway once said "Peggy, this is isn't China. There's no money in virginity" suck it tenleyz.  and SICK BURN.  she loves number 3's kisses and whoa shockz it was kypton! gag me.  now its gia's turn and her collagen is out to play.  all the guys are really respectful to her and dont try to slip her the tongue.   true gentlemen AMMIRIGHT!? 

HAHAHA squeaky tenley says she has to win the rose so she puts on her game (ho) face and starts mackin on the first blind folded dude, making sweet and sour chicken proud, which says it all right there.  when you make the town bicycle proud, you are a true skank among skanks!  just an aside elizabeth is really aggressive and sticking her tongue down the throats of all the men.  also gia must be tiny short or these guys are just giants cuz she can hardly reach their MOUFZ.  so she drops out with tears and restalyne all over.  weatherman like this too much.  the interview is shot from the chest up but i swear i can see his boner from here.  ps i love the 70's porn music they play when elizabeth goes up.  she is such a skankho.  weatherman might be a scrawny nerdbomber but he can smell a skank from a mile away saying he needs cold showers after sweet and sour and gramma wrinkles. meh heh heh wes is a germaphobe! HAHAHAHA he just said tenley was "sloppy", sweet and sour was "violent" , faceless peyton's was "nice" and dry lol.  wes doesnt like it when a laday goes in for the attack unless he's absolutely hammered.  i am starting to see the appeal of this broheim. 

weatherman thinks he's gonna win. lolz.  david wins anddd...PEYTON WINS!!! HAHAH

for the very first time, peyton ladies and gentlemanz!!

it's amazing to hear her speak for the first facking time.  she has a thick southern accent! who knew! ashley thinks she can get a rose still by being taken on this date.  not gonna happen loser! david takes CHINZ, KRISSILY and her snooki bump hairdo, and sweet and sour skank on a date to vegas.  i am quite confident i can fast forward through this whole thing. krissily is defz wearing a BUMP-IT! and nikki is suckin it in under several layers of SPANX i guarantee you this. i am fast forwarding this whole date after natalie says she's always wanted to go to a "nude pool".  who's fucking dream is a nude pool?  even with my fastforwarding i catch glimpses of her skankdom when they have to blur out her naked chest.  this makes me feel itchy...(and she gets the rose from dave on the date and gets to stay in the "villa" with him (insert more porn music) while he chucks chinz and krissily to the curb.  skankz always prevail! am i supposed to believe these two dont bang immediately after the cameras leave cuz i do notz. also instead of those night vision cameras they should invest in those heat sensor ones cuz i bet sweet and sour's nether regions would make it spontaneously combust.

hay now.

Peyton (i guess i have to call her by her name now) picks KOFAX, KYPTONZ, and JESSE B.  squeakymouse is mad she picks balding kryptonite.  weatherman is sad.  wompwompppp. i wish craig m was here to laugh at him with me! pour one out for my fallen homie :( 

HAHA dave and sweet and sour are a couple now and gotta keep it under wraps!  no one's buying that you fell asleep in your clothes tho guys. surriously.  squeaky pants goes to surprise kyptonz in bed to snuggle before his date with peyton and he pretty much gives her the BITCH HALE NAW face and goes back to sleep. again BURN.  im starting to get a real fatal attraction vibe from senorita squeakz. so peyton, jesse b, and KOFAX go to some drag racing place, i fast forward cuz none of this is remotely interesting and i only JUST passed the 1 hour mark. 
 

derrr

the other guys ask elizabeth if she's jealous and homegirl says no! then promptly loses her shit in the confessional.  kofax and kryptonite both lie and say there's nothing between their respective sluts (wrinkles and tenley duh).  jesse b says sweet and sour is not the type of girl he's looking for (aka he's not looking to get the clap).  peytonmeister (almost like leighton meester!) picks jesse b.  he sounds very dumb but yes he is dreamy as peyton says.  oh oh they seem like they are starting to like each other.  but i don't get the skank vibes so jesse b and gonna get nuffin.  

hahahaa! KOFAX says "elizabeth is ruining everything for me".  she is really fucking nutso.  she says she likes that he is struggling (then does and evil laugh).  he better dump her ass. 

gia and wes are on the couch and she's coyly biting her collagen injections, and wes vows to keep her ass in. he says sweet things to her.   not even creepy, cheesy sweet things, real actual sweet things. GAH I SEE THE APPEAL DAMMIT.  methinks i have a new favorite player... WESLEY BABY COME EEEER!

oh creepy i just actually thought in my head "i hope they date".  it is official my brain turned to mush at the 1 hour and 24 minute mark. fmlz.  40 more to go?!?

wes is getting really feisty with people threatening people to vote for his lady in waiting GIA and he says if kyptonite doesnt keeps her in, elizawrinkles will be going home. YES MAN DEAR GOD!! ps i just caught a glimpse of queen of the botox darkness gwen, i havent seen her all night!

things are not looking so good for ze weatherman. as gramma wrinkles says "i dont think he's funny. i don't think he's cute"  probably the only thing she has ever said that i agree with.  bitches are also voting for koFAX it seems.  wes continues his SAVE GIA campaign and angers everyone by saying to vote for wrinkzmcgee.  im scared my new fave is making himself vulnerable! please don't go the way of craig m wessidoll!!  

melissaTEEFrycroft is here looking oh so MARRIED (in yo faces losers!). kiptonite's bald spot is dying for a starring role on this show as it makes yet another appearance.  good luck with that squeaky mouse. ok heeeeeere we go with the votingz!

ashley: safe 

kiptynite: safe

squeakyqueen: safe (ugh she fucking CURTSEYED)

chins: safe

queen of the darkages of botox: safe

MA BOO WES: safe

krissily "you are not the father" bumpit: safe

it's down to weatherman and koFAX and gia and gramma wrinkles...

SEE YA WEATHERMAN! kofax is safe.  THERE IS AN EFFING TIE between ducklips and gramma wrinks and david has to break the tie.  im actually really impressed that wes' trickery went this well!  i'm even more proud of him now <3  david chooses my sweet sweet duck lips to go home and beef jerky forehead is saved.  gia looks extra sparkly and pretty tonight.  our love hate relationship is over again... for nowwww..

well that's all.  i was gonna leave you with this picture of the foxy CHRIS HARRISON. next week looks MAD dramatic.  lots of tears and fighting just the way i mothafackin like it!

but i decided i would leave you with a real treat to haunt your dreams.  

I GIVE YOU.  NIKKI AND HER CHINZ!!!!!!!!!!! (i know i am going to hell, sowwy)

anddddddd GOODNIGHT!!!

ZE END!!! (of the first episode)

weeeeee! itz only herpes simplex 1!

this is going to be a long end of the summer, i tell you.  who the f is peyton?  i don't care but everytime i see her im like who are you and where did you come from?  at least krissily has a stupid name we could remember. 

oh DAYUM, wrinkles just said she was gone for hours and he didnt even ask her how her day was!!?  naggin betch.  oh no! now she says she is in love with jesse kovax TO jesse kovax and he is not feelin it.  she is now trying to strategize with him and tells him if he treats her poorly it will have negative consequences  on him.  like what is she the godfather?  im not sure what just happened there ( he is too- he just said he is completely confused)

oh christ she is crying and says when she kisses him she feels love and when she kisses him she doesnt feel it back and it hurts.  Evil Pdempz and heidi fliess are back and they are accompanied by swing music!  ah TENLEY IS DANCING!!!!! (

my roommate just said she loves tenley btw.  i smell tension! HAI ROOMAY :)  omg michelle has locked squeaky mouse in the bathroom to confront her about starting the rumor about her hooking up with my bf.  michelle should be thanking squeaky for this!  thats the hottest thing that has happened to her sex lyf in YEARZ.  

squeaky pantz is crying hysterically, pretty much fearing for her life cuz of michelle. gramma wrinkles tells her to chill and they will get michelle out and squeaky's tears mysteriously stop.   and the ze emmy goes to squeakalicious for best performance in a comedy or musical.  anyway moving on, its commercial time.  no push ups have been done.  i give up now. 

ok so natalie is talking to JUAN (pronounce huh-wannnn) and i don't care so we are going to skip this part. bla bla boring.  krisiillily is tryina' tell the bitches how to play the game and she is doing the homegirl head shake with her finger waving in the air like she's on maury.  wrong channel bebe!

it's time to start votin bitches OFF!  not tryina' be a betch (i am) but nikki has some wattlage hangin off of her very otherwise strongly featured face.  i no getz it.  anyway people are voting for michelle and then evil pdempz says right to her face NOPE i didnt vote for you!  liez! so convincingly!  much like a sociopath!  swoonz.   sweet and sour chicken votes for huh-wan cuz she is plans with lil mz. junk in da trunk!

GAH i am getting so tired.  i hope not every episode is two hours long! i don't know if i have the stamina.  perhaps this is why i should have gone to ze gym?  OH MAN.  well chris harrison is here to rock me gently off to sleep.  if he says your name you are safe and get a rose from mrs. TEEF (rycroft).   craig m and heidi jessi feliss are ok. 

my darling duck lips, gia: safe

jesse b (tattoos, banging orange chicken): safe

peyton, ms. forgettable: safe

kiptYn: safe

princess squeaky mouse: safe

junk in da trunk nikki: safe

ms. forgettable #2, ashley: safe

david (i just read he was very "Crude" on jillian's season): safe

sweet & sour chicken, natalie: safe

wes (not a lot of screen time for america's biggest villain): safe

gwen, queen of the collagen dark ages: safe! (score for the aarp generation)

gramma wrinkles the II: safe

the weatherman:  safe

(krisisililiy and kovaxx are safe. boring.)

UGH.  HU-wann and CRAZY MICHELLE are gone already!!!! hu-wan is actually kinda cute.  sadz.  crazy michelle, why is our time always cut so short?!  why can't you control the crazy just long enough so we can hang?  i go to bed with a broken heart, i must rest now,. so til next monday my friend(z).

WOMPITYWOMP:SUMMER EDITION!!

Seriously Ze Parte 2

My mortal enemy: The weatherman!

I wasn't kidding when i said this was going to be long.  i cannot type fast enough. so chris tells me there are 19 and they all have a chance to find love and 250,000 dollaz.  each week they will play games, and will receive roses that will keep them safe AND allow them intimate dates. the guys will vote off the girls and the girls will vote of the guys.  my boyfriend Craig M says this is dirrrrty.  

oh man here comes chris' co-host, melissa rycroft.  she's as annoying as the last time i saw her and she doesnt waste a beat making sure all these loser singletons know she is now married!  craigM my boyfriend just said "this is like christmas", we are kindred spirits, probs.   all the doors are locked and these idiots find out they have to sleep in bunkbeds all in one room.  there is gonna be so many different kinds of STANK in that room.  please take a moment and imagine what these trollops look like without makeup first thing in the morning?!  count me innnn. 

natalie isnt wearing any undies though.  they are talking about who they want to vote off already, and they are ALREADY SAYING CRAIG M?!  wtf?  do they want me to stop watching (true story, there is almost no way that is possible)  ugh melissa rycroftz comes out to tell them its time for competition and i dont like it.

while this commercial break is happening i am going to do 2 things.  1- i am going to do a couple of girly push-ups (cuz i didnt go to da gym you know) and 2- i am going to ponder how PISSED princess snaussy is that she missed her chance to be on this shit show.  she played jakeypoo's cross-eyed beard just like 2 weeks too long or she could have made it!  somewhere, someone (named snausalicious) is singing a sad sad song in a local hooters, black eye makeup smudge all ova her grill, pushing pins into her ally/tenley/and newly made jakeypants voodoo dolls...

the sad songz of princess snaussy..

ugh, shit we are back already and i did exactly ZERO pushups.  so, erin baldwin...you better fucking LOVE this nine year long post cuz my physical health is suffrin'!

anyvaze.  theres some giant twister board and squeaky tenz promptly pulls her leg above her head (she's a dancer in case you forgot) and declares herself the automatic winner.  i hope this means she loses.  and again, melissa rycroftz?  why are you here it TIS unnatural!!

again DO YOU SEEZ?!

the girls want my boyfriend craig M to lose.  i just had to take a break to explain to my roommate about what is going through my mind right now.  theres just too much!!  elizabeth wrinkles tells craigypants she doesnt like him!  i hope he killz her!.  this girl nikki is a little chunkay compared to the others.  jessie says "if i win ill take you on the date"  that lil betch stealin ma mannnnn.  jessie goin to be makin some enemiezzzz in the form of wrinkley forehead!!  wrinkleys looks so bad with blonde hair.  she is telling my bf how she is an honest person.  evil pdempz is just so hot.  he is wearing a fedora and i thinkkk he is asking wrinkleys out on his date but i cannot hearz!

theyz going to bed now.  i cannot wait to see how many night vision hook ups start going down and by "can't wait" i mean i want to go rub a precautionary layer of valtrex all over my body cuz i can probs catch whatever these hos have via the TV screen. 

it's only 8:51.  Ze parte 3 comin atchya...

CHRISTMASTIME IS UPON US!!!...(ze parte 1)

 

today legitimately is like christmas for me and at least one of my friends (i'm lookin at you wingster) because THE BACHELOR PAD is starting tonight.  in the first 60 seconds of the preview there is enough making out, hot tubs and bathing suits to make you wanna get an AIDS test.  squeaky mouse and allllll the other other crazies i have missed and hated so much in the past are here.  seriously...chris harrison is coming out to talk to us and im getting MAD antsy, let's begin.

holy shit they are all coming out of the limo to see ma boy chris harrison and first out is mother effing squeaky mouse.  she is still squeakin and talking about her husband cheating on her.  she literally says cheers to me while toasting herself in the house alone. 

next theres jesse b.  i dont know him. 

next natalie, from jasons season- i remember her because she was a crispy orange color and reminded me of chinese food.  tenley and her are squeaking and "shaking" about each other being there.

theres some dude named david, he looks familiar but i feel like he may have been scary. 

next is GWEN and she looks like she filled her face with all kinza chemical shit from season 2.  david called her old.  BURN.  

tenley is still squeaking cuz jessie s.  is here.  she looks like heidi fliess to me. why is squeaky mouse so surprised to see everyone?  she is pissing me off alreadyyyy. 8 mins in!! 

zu see? (and yes i know that is jamie lynn sigler playing heidi fleiss back uppp)

the weatherman has now arrived. he does NOT wanna see craig M.  and guess who is coming soon!  CRAIG M.  i like how they put the last initals with their names like they are in kindergarten.  

some bitch named natalie banged some dude named JUAN once and i dont give a shit.  drink up biyatchhhh. tenley is still squeaking and stuff jumping up and down btw.  i am tres angry. 

wes is here.  i could give a shit but apparently he conned fuggo jillian with country music or something.  (side note- they just showed gwen again and homegirl ain't lookin so good)  anyway they keep talking about he is "america's biggest villian" like ferreal?  wouldnt that be charles manson or something?

anyway.  some ho named krisilly comes and no one knows who she be.  elizabeth aka the 30 year old nanny that wouldnt let jake kiss her on her wrinkly forehead has arrived and she is no is blonde and she just said "twittebated" i think.  i think she meant twitterpated like thumper says in bambi but she fucked it up.  she likes some guy named kovax who i have never seen before adn she calls him by his last name like kids in high school.  (ps tenley squeaked again)

someone name kYpton with a Y has arrived (oh im sorry its "kiptYn")  she just shat herself when he arrived.  i smell a virginal dance party theme coming up.  oh christ.

now some bitches come who no one cares about and they get 5 seconds of screen time. ashley is here.  she is forgettable. also, someone named peyton. 

this is an actual artist rendering of ashley and peyton.

but here is what is important

MICHELLE IS HERE. 

 
you remember?  crazy fucking michelle?  they think she has a hot bod but they are afraid she might chop off your weiner.  

weatherman hopes gia is going to come and guess who comes?  my darlin ducklips!  how i have missed her so!  all the other girls are sad cuz when gia comes in and takes all the attention away. they are hypnotized by da collagen!!.

hmmmm MY FAVE evil patrick dempsey is here and his name is "craig M".  i dont care if hes evil he's hotness and oh so douchey.  they rpatz hair, the turquoise shirt, the cropped white pants, the hugs in which he doesnt actualy let his body touch yours.  i love him. steal my heart.  this now means weatherman is my mortal enemy!  it's war weatherman!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

THIS BITCH?! UGHHHH

Ps. Bachelah finale blog is coming soon.  I have been illin' and didn't wanna make myself sicker by subjecting myself to THREE hours of snausages, mouseypoo, and our girl jakey.  But, it's cominnn!

Recapz: The Hoes Tellin' Thangz On the Wingz of Loooove!

OH Here we gooo… I’m pretty late on this one cuz as I mentioned before I was attempting to have a social life of my own this week, but never fear, that shit crashed and burned so I will probs never miss an episode of this crap again!

Even in the 30 second promo, I’m getting the anxietyz. C.HArz says they brought back the most interesting ones only and these kitties came with their claws OUT and ready to fight.

Anyway its Chris Harrison and jakeypoo one on one time, how romantic.  They should cut the shit and fast-forward to when these two enter their own lil fantasy suite. Sorry sorry back to the bitches…

They’re already talking about this ROzlyn baloney and how Jakeypoo was being all noble saying he wanted to stand with Chris Harrison while he told the ladies.  I think I heard a collective awwww from across the country when he said those douchey words.  The part that kills me-still- is when all the girls started to cry when they found out about lil Rozy’s indiscretions.  Like who cares you idiots, she skanked it up so you could live to see another week.  Be Thankful and STFU!

Anyway, now they’re talking about the number 2 crazy in town, Elizabeth (number one is obvs ma girl Michelle who we will get to later).  Elizabeth was pretty, but defo kind of nuts with her don’t kiss me unless you’re gonna marry me shtick.  What is she Amish?  The nuzzlin her head all up in jakeypoo’s face during the fireworks?  Ho needed a reality check big time. I wonder if she tries to pull that shit with guys in the real world.  Maybe she does and that’s why she’s a 29 year old really attractive nanny who needs a reality show to find a man. Oh sick burrrnnn. PS Jake says he has friends who have done that before, which of course he would. OH WELL, I’m bored. Moving on…

Now they’re talking about Snausages, who really I have spent too much time thinking about in recent weeks so I refuse to partake in their little romantic lit flashback shit they’re doing right now.  They bungee jump. She’s fun.  Jake screams like a little girl.  Done and doneeee.

Hmmm.. Discussing his love with mouseymouse. Squeakity, squeakz y’all! I will pass.  Nice turtleneck though Jakeypantz! 

Double Hmmm... More Ali shit? BO-RING.

OK for the record I refuuuuuse to comment on these past bachelor cast reunion things they are interjecting into this show.  Chris Harrison just told me it’s a “Sexy New Phenomenon: Bachelor Cast Reunions”.  I’m going to have to disagree with every word of that statement. You know what was a "sexy new phenomenon"?  Girls getting tongue rings in the 90's.  Old people having those swingers parties where everyone puts their car keys in a bowl and swaps partners  (i saw that in a movie on lifetime once). That gay purple telletubby. These lil reunions do NOT qualify. Get ya facts straight.   Moving on...

OMG. I fast-forward and I get more past cast members “giving back”.  That’s nice and all but stop interrupting my fucking long awaited HOES TELL THE GOOD SHIZ programming!!  This is very disrespectful.  I blame Chris Harrison.  But PS matt the English one is cute.  Damn those accents.  Probs has a small weena.  SORRY inapprops! PPS- I kinda missed Deanna’s animatronics robot looking bobble head and the way it wiggles when she talks. More fast forwarding…

Like 30 mins into the show, Chris Harrison just told me the most memorable women are here tonight.  I have to disagree>  99% of these bitches are wack.  This one “Ashley H.” who I like to call haggard 40-year-old J.Simpson, said she wanted to clear up the controversy about her entrance.  What controversy? All I remember about her is her forehead wrinkles. Sorray.  I do remember the crazy Cambodian bitch that said something in her native tongue about letting Jake get all up on her landing strip.  Skankkk!

Oh Michelle- errybody thinks she’s crazy

My favorite part of the show so far is the part about Tenley.  Gia said she “shits rainbows” and someone else said she looks like she fell out of a Disney movie.  Snausages says she thinks she dreams in cartoons.  This may the smartest thing lil Mz. Snaussy has ever said!

Ohhh the all hate Snausages.  This is not news. Haggard J Simps was really mad about that.  I wonder if she and Ali can get a 2 for 1 forehead botox special.  Faces like deez are the reason I do not tan.  I’m just sayinnnn…

Bla Bla Bla… Chris Harrison just told Elizabeth “You’re never as cool as you think you are” BURN.

It’s time to talk about HotRoz. DUN DUN DUNNNNN…

Gia says she didn’t sleep in their room. Haggard J. Simps says she witnessed mad cuddles (she’s jealous). The brown haired one who I don’t think I have ever heard speak called Jessie says that she heard something on the stairs and it was them makin out. OH SHIT. Ella Mae, the single mom (probs just Ella but she looks like an Ella Mae to me)says Rozzy said some pervy shit about “being put to bed” by the producer.  Sounds kinkalicious.  They should totes make Rozzy the next Bachlorette!

C.Harz is now talking to Gia and I don’t care so I’m gonna go walk around my apartment and do some other stuff that I deem infinitely more important than watching this ducklipped laday talk about looovin on Jakeypooz.

It’s time for MA GIRL MICHELLLLEEE!!! This bitch is so off the charts crazay and I love every second she’s on screen.  I take it back.  I don’t want Rozzy to be the next Bach, I want it to be Michelle! Imagine the insanity?  IT would be uh-maz-ing.  She just said certain people thought she was “the girl”. As in the girl FOR JAKE.  I’m assuming those certain people reside in different parts of her wackass brain.  OH well, she is nuts, everyone agrees but her, so we move on.

Ali’s up next and much like the coverage of GIA I will leave the room.  BTW all of that was only part ONE.  And I skipped parts and was bring brief.  WTFZ is wrong with these people!.  Part 2 to follow…

_________________________________

OH PARTE DOS

Ali. Mouse 2.0. gross. I refuse to watch her recapz picture in picture sad face and crying. Wah wah wah GO AWAY.  I’m going to fast forward AGAINNNNN> I just caught then end and C.Har is saying for the 5^th time how many fans Ali has.  Who are they? Where are they?  I want to talk to them real quick.

Up next Hot Rozzy.. dun dun dun

C.Harz keeps telling me ALL OF AMERICA WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT.  I’m going to have to respectfully disagree.  Haggard J.Simps just said OH MA GAHD when she walked out.  Presumably cuz she looks sexay as hale and doesn’t have wrinkles like haggardzlady does.

Anyway, Rozzy says nothing physical ever happened between her and “THE STAFFER”.  Chris Harrison is coming off like a mayjah dickface in this convo.  I feel bad for HotRoz, she may very well be lying but I really think her hotness is working against her cuz she looks like a hot lil seductress.   How come there is no footage of this alleged affair.  Aren’t there cameras around 24/7 to capture these hoes in their full glory?  Why couldn’t they capchya thissss!!! (Haggard J.Simps has such expressive facial ticks. Not sessy.  Another reason botox might be good fo her.  She is again, only 25.  YUCKO)

I’m tired of this Rozzy shit now. They cuddled.  Maybe they made out.  Who gives a shit, just kick her off the show and call it a day. Boooorrrrinnnggg. The one whose name I didn’t know (Jessie) just swore on her dog’s life cuz that’s the most important thing in her life. Big time LOLZ on that one. Puh-thetix. I’m ignoring the rest of this part bla bla bla… cept when Rozzy just snapped at C.Harz. I liked that shit. Somebody needed to knock him off his high bitchy horse.  OHHH DAYUM, ROZZY JUST SAID C.HARZ WAS HITTING ON THE STAFFER’S WIFE. BURNNNNNN!  (he hit back with some jesus shit about learning life lessons, bo-ring!)

OH OH OH HERE COMES JAKEYPANTZ.  I hit the snooze (aka google prince hot ginge for my friend and loyal reada ema-reeeee. Shout out EMA-REE!)  His heart was crying when he kicked out Gia (sobz) and he says Ali will always have a friend (barf).

Now they are showing outtakes.  None of which are making me laugh, only showing me that Jake’s an even bigger tool than I thought.  He didn’t know the difference between self deprecating and self-defecating AND he asked his bf C.HArz how he got his teef so white. But is he happy with his decision… Jake pauses and says with zero enthusiasm “Yes.  I’m Happy” which I am going to interpret as he picked SNAUSAGES, who he just called the risky, blunt, intense choice. How flattering!!

And that’s it.  UGH.  These hoes told me nothing!

So who will he pick??? Snausages or SqueakyMouse?! I can hardly contain my excitement (aka I don’t give a shit).  

All I can hope for now is that they make crazy Michelle the next Bachelorette- that is some shit I would tune in for.

Recapz: The Bachelor: The Final Four (Again)

Jake and his army of skanks have returned to entertain and embarrass the viewers, but so many questions remain unanswered.  Will Ali leave her 8 by 10 glossy pics of Jake (like printed right from ABC’s website) on her bedside table and come back to his homolicious embrace?  Will Tenley stop sucking on helium before she goes on camera and squeaking about being a divorcee? Will Vienna Snausages crawl back to the hooters from which she came?  Will Gia ever visit a speech therapist to take care of whatever the fuck is wrong with the way she talks? Will Jake ever man up and admit that his saying he wants the girls to “open up completely” is really just code for “take off ya pants bitch!?”?  Let’s see…

GIA- Gia’s a fox but this is not going anywhere.  It’s clear from how he talks about her ass that she’s done and he just wants to get with her in the fantasy suite to say he banged a model (he is Mr. Dateless, after all), but for real she IS really good looking (especially in the body department, no lezzo), but Jakeypoo asked Tenley’s dad if he could marry her, signed a deal with the devil to court skanky Snausages, and apparently still has a boner for that whiny Ali, so her chances are looking slim to me! Right now they’re in a Jacuzzi surrounded by rose petals and candles and I feel nauseous and these two pretty idiots are off!

Sorry Gigi, but even your blog recaps are getting dominated by the other girls.  Back to dating professional athletes with real money for you!

More commercials threatening me with Tenley’s squeaky virginal song and dance (homegirl you been MARRIED already give it up), Snausages skankin it up, and Ali whining into the phone.  Poor Gia, her teeny bit of camera time has run out.

TENLEY- She arrives right on cue, hopping around, squeaking like the little ballerina mouse that she is.  So happy bla bla bla.  These two look like brother and sister. Maybe the most shocking finale EVER will reveal these two drips are really brother and sister.

Perverts.  Anyway, they’re back in a plane for the 50th time this season and captain Jakeypantz is not flying, but he is talking to her in the little headsets.  HOW NEAT, if you are 8 years old.   

Now they’re “exploring” and going into the water and Jake says he wants to know if she will open her heart up aka if she will shut up and put out!  (Jake sorry to break it to you, but probably not.  US Weekly told me she withheld sex from her ex husband when they were married on the regula!!)  Barf. She just used the phrase “making my heart smile”. And now “I hope there’s a lifetime of dancing”. Vomit. Then he said, “every time we kiss I feel like I'm running on the treadmill” aka “I have a big time boner”.   This pretend virginal lil ballerina mouse just said yes to the fantasy suite before he could even finish the invitation.  And that she lovessss dessert which is false, as she weighs a whoppin 82 lbs. But Jake finds her morals and values SEXAY so cue the sappy music. 

VIENNA- Behold! Snausages is here in all her skanky glory! Being immature and fun and lovin life aka being a slut!  She has a very classy tattoo on display and the two are all giggly and licking each other’s faces (seriously) and walking the plank while the geniuses over at ABC decided to set the mood by playing an orchestral version of ON THE WINGS OF LOVVVEEEE while Jakeygirl and Snausages make out on a giant pirate shit (ship but I'm leavin it).

She’s really skankin it up.  They’re making out on the beach and I see tongue and I feel sick.   Jake says he’s looking for substance with Snausages and I would like to tell him he’s probs not gonna find it between her fake bubbies, but dammit if he’s not gonna keep trying!  Snausages is one homegirl he’s not gonna have to ask to go to the fantasy suite, bitch has already been there and left her toothbrush. But hey at least she’s owning her slutdom!  She’s yapping at dinner and my god, she sounds dumb.    But Jake’s asking her about what kind of rings she likes?! WTF is going on?  She just said she’s falling in love with him and, shockakahn, he says nothing, but plants a big one on her and then says he loves that she told him that.  If that’s not a burn I don’t know what is.  Snausages can hardly read the fantasy suite invitation out loud, but by god she is GOING TO GO THERE.   More roses and candles!  Vienna “reeeeaaalllyyyy” wants alone time aka is going to seal the deal once and for all.  She comes out with a white satin nightie to show Jake her "other side".  Bitch is gon' get hers and lock that camera crew out. Ta ta!

Commercials are here again and the threats of ALI are upon us, so she’s gonna get her own section whether she comes back or not.   I’m hoping the shot of Jake saying “come back right now” is all just clever editing cuz I can’t handle that shit.

ALI- Wowww, the phones ringing Jakey! Wonder who it is! OG (our girl, not original gangsta) Jakey answers the phone all confused like he doesn’t know this shit is coming.  Ali whines that she’s a mess right now and she knows she made the wrong choice (as do the producers since they are filming her in full makeup for this phone call)!  If I met this girl in real life, I honestly think I would punch her in the face and I’m not even the violent type. Ali needs to chill the F out and get some botox in those forehead lines of hers. 

Jakeypants is clearly having a hard time reading his cue cards cuz he is stuttering and doesn’t know if he can let her back in (not your call buddy).  She gon’ cry!!! And so is Jakeypantz! Oh noooo.  This whole exchange is making me miss the subtle charms and understated elegance of Miss Snausagez!   DUN DUN DUN!!! Ali you faker!! He said no and she doesn’t even tear up?!  Not a single tear (until her confessional where she loses it and looks a hot mess doing so) Cameraho, you’re time is UP.  Peace bitch!

So we have 30 mins left for Jakeypantz to ponder his decision shirtlessly.  Chris Harrison will return to remind us that one of these women will be his WIFE. Either way, it’s looking like the final two will be the maybe blood relative, born again virgin queen, Tenley and a skank of some sort (one nice, Gia, and one probably diseased, Snausages).

Oh good, they’re going to recap the entire episode I just watched, but this time in fuzzy warmly lit fantasy vision. 

Mmmm…here come the video messages:

Tenley: I’m falling in love with you, squeak, I adore you, squeak, I wanna have your baby, squeak, dancing forever, squeak, byebye!

Gia: I can’t open up, I’m falling in love with you, check out my cleavage, I hope we have more time to grow, look at my cleavage, bye!

Snausages:  Hi sweetheart (seriously), you’re the man of my dreams, I want to flirt with you for the next 80 years, I’m in love with you, I wanna be your wife! (reading between the lines this translates roughly to" if you don’t pick me I will kill you and whoever beats me)

Rose Ceremony:

Tenley first! Squeaksqueaksqueak!!!  These two can have crinkly nosed vanilla love forever!

UGH SNAUSAGES LIVES TO SEE ANOTHER DAY!!!  Jake must have a death wish and not like his peen very much to be kicking off the model hottie Gia in favor of Princess Snausages.  What a tard.  Jake says it was not easy.  Gia’s pisssssed (but maybe just bought herself a spot as the next Bachelorette). 

More to come next week when The Women Tell All.  I cannot wait for the return of crazy Michelle!  Homegirl is UNSTABLE!!  Enjoy!