Melanie Amaro For DA WIN!!!!

oh welllll.  my boyfriend didn't take home the big prize, but on the bright side this means maybe i still have a chance!  just as long as he doesn't go back to the whole garbage man, meth head situation, i see a very happy little life for me and big homie.  (ps chris came in 3rd and josh in 2nd)

but anyfart, congrats to Miss Cleo's illegitimate 'Yonce clone kin, ferreal Melanie got dem pipes and she's gonna identity theft it all the way to the top o' the charts!!!

Say Word: X Factor Finale Time Warp

Hey y'all!!! It's been a hot minute since I recapped some reality garbage, but I couldn't hold back watching the X factor tonight.

via UsWeekly

 It's supposed to be the finals when the top three pull out all the stops with major celebs to sing big songs and so far they have given me Alanis Morrisette (with Josh Krajick), Avril Lavigne (with Chris Rene) and R. Kelly (with Melanie Amaro).  But um pardon me, what year is it? If I do the math correctly, Alanis was cool when I was in 5th grade so roughly SIXTEEN effing years ago.  Around the same time, R. Kelly was jamming out with the theme song to fucking Space Jam.  Since then he has done a few notable things like, oh I don't know, made a sex tape with an underage girl who he peed on? Yeah that actually happened.  Lastly they brought out Avril Lavigne to try to extinguish the bright light that is Chris Rene, but bitch can't even hang.  And for the record Avril's whiny bitch athem "Complicated" was on top in 2002, so with a vintage of about ten years, she is somehow the most current.  Seriously, Paula calls their performance current, but she is most definitely on the ludes again tonight.  Aka shit is onnnnnnnn.  Here comes the play by play kitties!

via Popcrush

First up Josh Krajick.  The hero from the "over 30" group (that's ageism Fox).  Josh is pretty good.  Really good, even.  Physically, he reminds of a big, growly, bear, but I am not here to judge him on that (shock I know), I'm just not sure he's 5 milli worth of goodness.  He will be successful fo sho and there's a chance he could win cuz he is a likeable guy with the whole single dad angle, but I am biased cuz he is taking up valuable screen time reserved for my boyfriend Chris Rene (see below).  Also, we have to cut Joshypoo some slack because his "mentor" is Nicole "loosen up my buttons" Sherzingpussycat, who might I add is dressed like a day time shift hooker on Halloween dressed as Woody Woodpecker.

But I digress.  The second song is their first audition song and brother just killed it with an acoustic version of At Last (watch it!) Gave me the tingles, whatever.

Ahhh... Chris Rene.

via Glamour

The real life Jesse Pinkman. A former meth head cum garbage collecter who looked like he just lost a battle with an eight ball of the Lohan powder during his first audition.  The he sang an original song called, "Young Homie" (a man after my own heart of course) and keeeeeeeeeeled it.  Since then he has been a little shaky but his mentor, LA Reid aka the chair dancing, chocolate suede bowling ball mista potato head, should get a little lovin for turning this boy into a hottish, thug styled JT.  I just love it. Boy's got swag. Anyway, they tried to stifle him by pairing him with the Skater Boi, but he just came back and did Young Homie again and guess what? HE KIIIIILED IT and is gonna win it. (SEE?! SO GOOD) end of story. thanks for coming also-rans!

via unrealitytv

Melanie Amaro. Simon has done his best to try to distract us from this wack ass bitch and turn her into a budget 'Yonce/Queen Latifah/Leona Lewis hybrid, but I will not be fooled!! Sure her very first audition made me get goosebumps but I refuse to forget that she started out with a plain old Florida whitey accent and then one day busted out straight up Miss Cleo shit, giving thanks to her "mudda and fadda" and her best pal GOD. Seriously. She is really good.  Like Beyonce good, but she has none of her own thang to bring to the table.  Also, nice try Simon. It appears as though ya girl went off their diet and forgot their double spanxx layers at home and the tried and true drag queen distraction tactics- big hair and majorly pushed up tittays will not work on me! SORRAY!  Anyway she kills her 'Yonce copycat song "Listen", but LA says it was a 50 million dollar performance and instead of being humble and saying thank you, she nods and tips her sparkly microphone up and steps back. Oh HALE NAW.

And we're done.  Steve the host has no catchy sign off like SEACREST OUT! He just reminds us to vote, duh Steve (I never vote obvs). He is really hot but seems to be void of all personality. Where Brian Dunkleman at?! Bring back the Dunk!!

GOODNIGHT CATZ.  CHRIS RENE 4 LYF

Tell my wife if watching "Ellen" is a job, she deserves a promotion!

because it's only Tuesday, and you need some HA-HA up in this BETCH!

ENJOY!

Hills Duff is Overly STUFFED with Canadian Bacon!

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, I'm sure most of you are just like me and still recovering from a mayjah self-induced food coma (and possibly trying to do some damage control after you puked your brains out in your friend's parent's driveway after a long night of tequila shots with high school heros... note to self: blaming the family dog would have been a totally plausible excuse if not for the fact that half of the neighborhood witnessing your violent up chuck sesh because, well, duh it's fucking THANKSGIVING and families be gathering...)  So here is a lil something that should help you feel better about your current disgusting physical and mental state: a couple of pics featuring Hilary Duff, lookin' more stuffed than your turkey day bird! 

Look, don't get me wrong. I LOVED me some Lizzie McGuire back in the day but lately all the Duffster has going on is chipping her giant chompers and trying to convince us that she's not just another Disney-ho with horrific bangs and CHARMS (charms = chubby arms...its an epidemic!!)  

But seriously, if the Duffster is only good for poppin' out some Canadian bacon bits, what C-list photo-ops is Haley Duff supposed to crash? I don't have any sisters but I'd imagine it's a fucking betch-slap to the dome piece when your bratty little sister is making dollah, dollah bills y'all for her starring role in a Disney show AND for singing the incredibly powerful and intensely moving ballad prominently featured as the "Laguna Beach" theme song (!!!!) while your left with nothing but the scraps of a Nickeloden Teen Choice Awards swag bag and the occasional irregular item from the "Stuff by Hilary Duff" collection for husky tweens!  But I digress...

So during this gluttonous holiday season, be thankful that: 1. You are not Vienna Giradi Haylie Duff 2. You didn't have to bust out four new pairs of spanks and an entire bottle of PAM spray to truffle shuffle your way into a FUG dress (which happens to be three sizes too small and looks like it came out of a fashion bug sample sale) and convince yourself that your bebeh bumpS (yes, plural!) are attractive when in actuality your clearly cutting off all the circulation in your mid-section and most likely depriving your lil nugget of some oxygen. 

Hopefully these pictures will be the kick in the ass you need to see the light and FINALLY do what you are clearly meant to do: create fashionable & elasticized maternity attire aptly named "Stuff by Hilary's PUFF" - Chang Chang !! Money in da BANK, gurrrlll! 

*post by samantics

All Hail to the New Queen of My TV, Connie Britton

Happy Thanksgiving Eve ya'll!  Please excuse the (very authentic, Paula Deen styyyyle) southern slang, but I am currently binging on "Friday Night Lights" aka the longer and more God-fearing version of Varsity Blues, and the "ya'll-in" is just plain contagious!  This post is dedicated to Southern Hospitality (and no, unfortunately, I do NOT mean JT's restaurant - if that even still exists...?) and all things CONNIE BRITTON.  I am obsessed with this woman - so much so that I am submitting my application for "Mom Swap" and crossing my fingers...whats not to love about Marissa Miller's older, probably a bit more promiscuous, smoke-a-pack-day, slightly more sun-damaged sister? (ps. obvs she's not her sister, but come on, they totally look related, do they not??!) I first fell in love with the ginger-haired beauty a few short weeks ago when I hesitantly watched the first episode of Ryan Murphy's new hot mess, "American Horror Story".  I am continuously amazed by how much subtle (or blatant) sexuality and gratuitous violence Murph-dawg can throw at tv audiences - I don't know who he had to blow to get where he is today but god bless him and his disturbed mind because he freaks me out (and I mean that in a way I am totally lurrrrrving!).  

i meannn...ew

Connie Britton plays the matriarch (and recent survivor of both adultery and a brutal miscarriage) and she is just delightful.  Even when she is getting violently banged out by a creepster ghost-man in a "vintage" black pleather bondage full body suit (can you say romance?!) she is still mother of the year in my mind.... she has such a calming presence and while she seems to have aged quit a bit since cheering on the sidelines at a high school football game, I love her and fully support all of her choices on this show.  BUT, come on - do you really expect me to believe that after she and her daughter (who I HATE btw - did you know she "didn't even really want to be an actor" but her older sister - that chick who dicks over George Clooney in that traveling sales-man in the sky movie -totally convinced her to take a starring role in a new tv show - gag me; her brooding, troubled teen-angst bit is growing SO old - I do NOT care if she is talented, because betch didn't work hard or struggle for her sick job, she basically flipped a quarter and twirled her hair which desperately needs to be cut or pinned back by the way, and landed a sick gig) get tied up by LIL KEV! from Always Sunny and two crazy chicks, that they would contemplate staying in Satan's den for another second?!  HELL TO THE NO! Lil Kev is really commin' up in the world though, so kudos to him and his lil hand, and aspiring rapping career in sunny philadelphia, PA!

Anyturkey, Connie is making me appreciate living below the poverty level in gun-loving Texas and making me wish it was socially acceptable to bone high school boys because those football boys are SEXAY!  Granted, they are def 30 years old playing 16 (Minka Kelly, go back to sucking on Derek Jeter's man tittays because you aint foolin' anyone!) but it is SO hot - and the dad/coach/bomb-diffuser from Grey's anatomy who blew up after saving that bitch Meredith's life (the horror) i mean COME ON - talk about southern sex on a stick - mmmmm, lucky Connie Britton - hottie Grey's bomb-diffuser AND Dylan McD?!  She must have been god damn mother theresa in a past life because gurl is KILLIN IT! Betch!!!!

lucky betch.

*posted by samantics

Guest Bloggin at the Grammyz!! Bring on the FUG!!!

Hello people of da world!  Tonight, I handed over the reigns of betchiness to my best friend and partner in cattitude, Princess WingyMinaj!  You may recall she was supposed to make her guest blogging debut for the golden globes, but her fianceetard sat on her computer and ruined it all!!! But now she's back and we got some shit to say!  Polite claps for Mizz Wingy's debut!!LEZGO!

Lady Blaga fans! My forgiving Lady friend has given me a second shot for guest blogging a red carpet.  If you'll remember, i had a mishap last time at the golden globes.  But now im back for the grammys!

So I come in to Miley Cyrus... Holy side boob tattoo young Miley. Her handlers need to HANDLE HER.  Shes wearing a glittery animal print number that is all wrong.  Poor girl doesn't stand a chance with a dad like Billy Ray Cyrus.  

 

homegirl's got a point

Keith urban and nicole kidman show up and keith just said congrats to Seacrest. Did he spill the beans on something?? I google "Ryan seacrest engaged" but found nothing. I guess ill have to stay tuned on that one.  (Wings don't worry, trolls can't get married)

On to Katy Perry, Russell brand, and grandma Perry. Katy Perry is wearing wings, but it's not even that weird. They all match in Armani and rhinestones.  Russell brand is holding granny's hand, what a sweet grandson-in-law! (Very Toddlike! Wingy failed to mentioned GrannyPerry was rocking a very stylish bedazzled pimp cane, but I cannot find a pic of.  I will be getting one for her for her bday, shhh don't tell)

 

Rihanna popped in.  Shes wearing a giant pipe cleaner...not a fan. I think I can see her coochicoochi and I don't appreciate it. Seacrest is practically drooling over her! Pull yourself together! Ronald McDonald hair and this fugtastic pipecleaner creation gets a big HALE NAW from the wingyminaj and lady blaga audience.  Boooooo!!!!

 

Now HOLD UP.  Where's the glamour? Even Lea Michele is disappointing me! She looks like she needs to wash her hair! dirty betch! And why is Kim kardashi-hoe there? I do love the kardashians but I don't get why she attends these award shows. (Survey says: FAMEWHORE!)

Oh shiiiiiiiit, nikki minaj has arrived. My namesake.  Lady Blaga and I disagree about nikki and I'm sad to say she just won a point in the disagreement. Shes just crazy right now in a cheetah get up and blonde Afro.  Wrong. All kindsa wrong. But also FIERCE.  in a fucked up bride of frankenstein sorta way.  meowz 

Finally someone good my gahd!  Selena Gomez! Such a young hottie! The others (cough, cough, MILEY, Ke$ha, WILLOW FUCKING SMITH) need to take some hints from her on how to put yourself together.  Justin Beiber's maybe-cougar lady is TWERKIN IT.

One more thing- can we talk about skinny jennifer hudson is now? this is what she used to look like:

 

And this is her now:

 i mean REALLY.  does weight watchers work that well? she's like  a black olson twin or some shit. do i smell a star joneesque scandal up in here? a lil gastric bypassin n shit?! i'm just sayin. hot dayum.

 

Now that the wingster has dished the dirt on the red carpet, i would just like to say a few parting words after rummaging through some red carpet slideshows and the theme is a resounding WTFZ!  It's all WHY THEY WEARIN THAT/WHO THE HELL IS THAT/WHAT YEAR IS IT ANYWAY!  Exhibits a b c d e f g etc. to follow....

 um, this here is justin guarini.  you know the RUNNER UP of american idol from, oh i don't know EIGHT YEARS AGO.  who did he have to blow to get a ticket in there? jeez.

and um monica? singer of the 1998 hit the boy is mine with brandy.  speaking of which, where is she is monica and j.guarz got an invite? how REWD.

Speaking of monica and brandy, how could we forget MYA.  actually how could you NOT forget her ass?  homegirl is FORGETTABLE. she sang a song with sysco and somehow got invited to be on the lady marmalade song with xtina and lil kim and pink in 2001.  yes thats correct, her last semi relevant moment was ten years ago. babammmm!

Now we can just move on to some precious flowers, who I do not know but must comment on cuz the betchiness in my icy heart cannot be contained!! I give you.. this bitch!!

 who is she?? why is her forehead attacking the rest of her face like that?? it's really rude to be hogging so much of the spotlight like that.  i mean i presume she's a talented musician and this should be her night, but instead the shining star is that megahead she's rockin!  whoever she is she will always play second fiddle to THAT thing. 

OK so there's also this lady.  there's nothing to say about her.  she is a delicate flower of understated elegance, and her classiness cannot be put in to words.  just try to soak in her ravishing beauty.

And that's it!  We both refuse to watch the actual shoe except for when bruno mars comes on and cee-lo (spoiler alert he looked like a giant shiny peacock and performed F*CK YOU with a bunch of technicolor muppets and a chiuahaha puppet.  it was what i imagine an acid trip is like.  a good one.

oh and as usual i have to say i got these pics from various "real" websites and am not taking credit for them so don't sue me perez and and harvey levin, i'm just a poor cat tryina keep it real!!

GOODNIGHT N GOODLUCK N GOODJOB MY WINGYMINAJ! THE OSCARS ARE JUST AROUND ZE CORNER!!!!!!!!!!!!! TA TA from us and SELENITAGOMEZZZZ

Ze GOLDEN GLOBEZ!!!! The YESz! The NOz! The WTFz! and the mehhhhhhh....

So my friend and loyal reader Princess WingyMinaj was supposed to be hollerin about the Golden Globes all night for me cuz i had to go to a "hockey game". ferreal.  but her fianceemonster sat on her or something and deleted her jokes so here i am! anyway, i missed all the good arrival shiz and only caught the last 30 mins of the show itself and it looks as though all the people we thought would win did (natalie HERSHLAG , colin firth, christian bale, etc etc.) but i had to make some betchy outfit comments before bed or shit just would not be RIGHT, now would it? i'm sure i'll have lots to add tomorrow, but these are the pics i found on jezebel and people (dontsuemeplease!).

So I give you, the YESz, the NOz, the WTFz and the mehhhh.

oh before i start the social network just won and armie hammer is there.  sa-woooooooon.  ok now i start!!! 

THE YESz

olivia wilde.  me like sparkles. iz mezmorized! (marchesa)

quinn from glee.  gets it RIGHT son.

text another bitch tony parker i dare you. foxy eva longoria keepin it REAL.

betty draper.  i was gonna put her in another category but homegirl is bringin it with the boobies, the serious face, and the whole anti-betty thing she has been trying so hard to pull off in the off season.  good for jason sudekiz if he is still gettin with this personality-less broad!

blair waldorff! i don't know why i just like this. it's different and her face and hair and accessories are fly.  chuck bass would be so proud!

not in black! A++. so skinny it hurts my brain but i like angelina in green and sparkles and brad pitt showered as well.  the only thing that would be better would be if they brought their child army with them.  best accessories.  maddox4lyf.

amy adams.  this broad can do no wrong.  i dont LOVE the big bloppy things sticking on her- especially the one on her left ovary, but i like her pretty red hair and blue dress and otherwise funtimes personality.  sorry im BIASED to gingers (sometimes)!

this is important cuz i usually hate this toothy broad.  seriously dislike.  but im really liking the long sleeves and SPARKLEZ and backless and pretty hair and face.  see how easy i am to please?!  good jahb anne hatahaway. i go back to hatin you in 5..4..3..2..BITCH

THE NOz

aw hale naw girlfriendz! seriously. fire ya stylist, fire ya friends and fire ya main gays, cuz they all lyin to errybody out there!

emma stone. easy A. i like your new blond hurr but i do not like that your skin matches your dress and your hair and your lips.  you look like a CREAMSICLE!!! no likey.

sue sylvester.  ya killin me girl!  this actually isn't bad at all, i just want the bitch to go all out and get herself a custommade tracksuit ball gown.  think about it. BALLIN!

oh dirrrty xtina! just no no no.  i don't wanna be mean (lies) but she looks so bloated and i feel there had to have been many ways to hide that.  im cool with people EATING FOOD.  its great! aint no shame in that game! but just wear something that doesnt show off how often you do that. ZING sorry! but ferreal this is just fug. no gracias (remember when she did a spanish language album!?)

aw queen chichiballz joan holloway! i did not like the giant flower freak thing when carrie bradshaw did it in 1999 and i do not like it now! not so big! your boobies are big enough, stop trying to steal their thunder! also, ferreal, if you're gonna do this you do sleek hairdo lady, any gay worth their salt could have told you that! what a shame!

gahd she is pretty. i adore miss halle and her eternal fountain of youth benjamin buttons shit she is doin with her face, boobies, and boday, but i do not like this dress.  it stanks of confusion and 90210 (original cast) and i do not like the double bracelets either if we are bring picky, which we ARE. the top and the bottom just don't agree with each other and also it's like a rat tail.  think about it.  halle berry is wearing a gigantic rat tail!

oh jen from dawsons creek!  she has come so far but just NO.  i think i read that valentino made this and i wonder if he lost a bet. or maybe she lost a bet. sorry no thanks thats all!

america's sweetheart bla bla. dress your age homegirl.  clip-on hair pieces like your bangs are best reserved for the lea michelle's and the snooki's of the universe. the dress isnt bad per se, it's just ruined by the helmet thang coverin that nice lil face of hers.  again no sanks!

MEHhhh

you guys just bore me. or confuse me. i just don't know and i have work tomorrow! (how ruuuude to MLK amiright?) anyway, straight snoreeeeez.  where's ya A GAME!?

mila kunis, wearing a smaller one of those poof things.  not a killer exactly and i like the green but i dont like your pouty face and you dumped kevin mcallister!! i just feel meh, but like good job for being in a real movie with natalie hershlag!!

this broad. i love her even tho i really think she lies about her age.  she is a fierce ass bitch even if she is really like 64.  but again i like the color, the crinkley lookin biznezz and the draping BUT it reminds me of a christmas tree too much.  like i feel if i got close to her, not that she would ever let me hug her, but if she did, i would get stuck with lots of little pine needles and leave wreaking of evergreen air freshners. meh.

claire danes.  too skinny!! married to hugh dancy.  major swoon but your skinniness scares me about him cuz it makes me wonder if he likes real ladies if ya know what i mean.  your skinniness ain't good for ANY OF US.  pull an xtina, eat something and get back to me.  nice color though!

jlo srsly? u bore me. again dress your age. this ain't yo Quinceañera!

hershlag!!! (if anyone out there is slow portman is her stage name and she was born in da holy land jersualem and she went to harvard and if there is such a thang as reincarnation i wanna come back as her, but keep the hershlag name rockin of course) ANYVAZE, im sorry to put you in this category. i really love you as professed above, and i love that your preggie and happy and engaged and showin off ya bump, but i dont like the big sparkley flower on your boobies. i just don't love the whole thing. BUT i must say, unsurprisingly you won and your acceptance speech was so endearing just like you and please forgive me and redeem yourself when you win your SAG and OSCAR k? thankzbai!

 ANDDD...the WTFz!!

these go beyond just plain old NOz and MEHz.  these defy all logic and make one's brain explode wondering how they managed to get past so many mirrors, stylists, friends, family, bfs, gfs and car windows (you can see your reflection bitches!). like who let you out of the house!?

helena bonham carter. i get this is her THING to be all kooky but i don't appreciate it. and yes i see your shoes are two different colors,HOW FUNNY ARE YOU!? this is like when a new parent has pics of their kid doing with spaghetti sauce all over their face and try to show you HOW FRICKIN CUTE!?! their baby is, but all i see is gross ass mess.  THIS is JUST LIKE THAT!

megan fox. who is allowing you to get things injected in your face?  you're like 23 right? maybe 24 tops? seriously is it just me or does she look a lil snipped and tightened? i honestly didn't even look at the dress cuz her face is all SCURRIN ME!

TILDA SWINTON!look at her winkin at us! but yeah, again. this is her thing.  she has been showin up to awards shows for years now lookin like a hot mess in a burlap sack so whatever this may even be an improvement but still a resounding WTFz from the audience.

gah! iz blinded by the color!! one more time everybody say it with me DRESS YA AGE and wear two sleeves and dont make me WTFz you ever again julianne moore! this was even worse on tv than it looks in da pic. like fright night style bad. i like you, but barfies with the neon bar sign color and poofy unisleeve and STUFF.

oh christian bale.  wtfzzzz!  that hair and that scraggle better be for a role or we are gonna be in a FIGHT! 

 ok so i gtg to shleep but i have been watching my dvr'd version of E!'s red carpet.  juliana is so annoying and also needs to eat food. GAHD. she is always talkin about wanting to have bebes, but i really think some doctor should tell her that in order to come down witha  case of the bebes you need to have like .5 oz of body fat to start.  anyway, ok i'm leaving now she is talking to some bro named johnny gallecki who is on a show i don't watch but i recognize him as darlene's boyfriend from roseanne from like 1988 (snap, imdb says it was 1992-1997 EXCUSE ME), but yeah ferreal I GOTTA GO!!! it's bedtime where i will dream of so many sparkles and tafetta and poofy attachments and spanks dancing on fire with my pal the devil in hell!  i'll be back in a few days to catch us up on the househoes, but for now, iz go meow.

yes we know.  dis is our futchya!