THE.BIGGEST.MISTAKE.OF.HER.LIFE!!!!!

well let me start off by apologizing to emily and the wingster as they have been patiently awaiting this betchy post.  i must also apologize to my homegirl ducklips (gia) because ABC is showing a little of the last few episodes and they told her giving the rose to wes last week was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE.  no jkz.  the biggest. mistake. of. her. life!!!!! oh gahd!

in the preview of whats coming up in this episode, the highlights are melty face nikki gets cornered for saving kiptonyte, he shows us he has a surrrrrious bald spot when he dips his head down, sweet and sour chicken would kiss everyone in the house for "like 20 bucks!" and sweet sweet gia is crying cuz she had to partake in a skanky kissing contest and said she thought this show would be innocent (could that be the biggest.mistake.of.her.life?) and she didnt think everyone was going to turn into pornstars.  idiot.  also, do we think ABC provides these cast members with fun size packs of valtrex after contests like this?  juzt wondering and if not they should.  oh yes and gia also says wes is the modern day shakespeare- but better! and cuter! ima punch this bitch in the collagen!

so right away, meltychinz is in the hot seat and ducklips is calling her out.  i zoned out looking for pictures of meltychinz only to find one of her in which two chins and half a neck was airbrushed out orrr miss thangz went on a crazy detox before picture day. 

am i right or am i right?  bitch's neck and chin now look like they are swaddled in several flesh colored snuggies...(see the bottom of the page...)

ANYVAZE...while i was zoning out i managed to pick up on a few things.  giasweetie is really upset about this kissing competition cuz she has a boyfriend back at home. the weatherman is excited cuz they will be blindfolded (he said it, not me, lil pervert) and now i look up and wrinkles mcgee is making moaning noises as all the men kiss her.   her complexion looks like a delicate mix between sand paper, sun spots, and beef jerky. am i wrong?

remember she told jakeypoo she wouldnt kiss him!  hahaha the weatherman is going at her with his little slippery tounge and made elizabeth say she "just realized how gross this is" just now?  one guy who i still don't know (KOFAX I THINK! muhaha) says that it will be fun to kiss some girls but it will be a struggle to kiss others (NIKKI WE'RE LOOKING AT CHU).  nameless faceless peyton goes.  no one cares.  gwen makes a very yucked out face when weatherman kisses her.  or was that an excited face cuz she is getting some action finally?  maybe the latter...faceless ashley bows out cuz "money cant buy her the respect of her students". lame.  skanky natalie kung pao chickenz is a slut.  nikki is gross. krissily povich looks like she is harboring some diseases in her tongue ring hole.  and no i dont know for sure if she has one so back uppppp.  squeaky mouse steps up and she says she started out giggling.  bringing out the virginal jig again are we princess squeaksalot?  as my strumpet (sounds classier) idol, joan holloway once said "Peggy, this is isn't China. There's no money in virginity" suck it tenleyz.  and SICK BURN.  she loves number 3's kisses and whoa shockz it was kypton! gag me.  now its gia's turn and her collagen is out to play.  all the guys are really respectful to her and dont try to slip her the tongue.   true gentlemen AMMIRIGHT!? 

HAHAHA squeaky tenley says she has to win the rose so she puts on her game (ho) face and starts mackin on the first blind folded dude, making sweet and sour chicken proud, which says it all right there.  when you make the town bicycle proud, you are a true skank among skanks!  just an aside elizabeth is really aggressive and sticking her tongue down the throats of all the men.  also gia must be tiny short or these guys are just giants cuz she can hardly reach their MOUFZ.  so she drops out with tears and restalyne all over.  weatherman like this too much.  the interview is shot from the chest up but i swear i can see his boner from here.  ps i love the 70's porn music they play when elizabeth goes up.  she is such a skankho.  weatherman might be a scrawny nerdbomber but he can smell a skank from a mile away saying he needs cold showers after sweet and sour and gramma wrinkles. meh heh heh wes is a germaphobe! HAHAHAHA he just said tenley was "sloppy", sweet and sour was "violent" , faceless peyton's was "nice" and dry lol.  wes doesnt like it when a laday goes in for the attack unless he's absolutely hammered.  i am starting to see the appeal of this broheim. 

weatherman thinks he's gonna win. lolz.  david wins anddd...PEYTON WINS!!! HAHAH

for the very first time, peyton ladies and gentlemanz!!

it's amazing to hear her speak for the first facking time.  she has a thick southern accent! who knew! ashley thinks she can get a rose still by being taken on this date.  not gonna happen loser! david takes CHINZ, KRISSILY and her snooki bump hairdo, and sweet and sour skank on a date to vegas.  i am quite confident i can fast forward through this whole thing. krissily is defz wearing a BUMP-IT! and nikki is suckin it in under several layers of SPANX i guarantee you this. i am fast forwarding this whole date after natalie says she's always wanted to go to a "nude pool".  who's fucking dream is a nude pool?  even with my fastforwarding i catch glimpses of her skankdom when they have to blur out her naked chest.  this makes me feel itchy...(and she gets the rose from dave on the date and gets to stay in the "villa" with him (insert more porn music) while he chucks chinz and krissily to the curb.  skankz always prevail! am i supposed to believe these two dont bang immediately after the cameras leave cuz i do notz. also instead of those night vision cameras they should invest in those heat sensor ones cuz i bet sweet and sour's nether regions would make it spontaneously combust.

hay now.

Peyton (i guess i have to call her by her name now) picks KOFAX, KYPTONZ, and JESSE B.  squeakymouse is mad she picks balding kryptonite.  weatherman is sad.  wompwompppp. i wish craig m was here to laugh at him with me! pour one out for my fallen homie :( 

HAHA dave and sweet and sour are a couple now and gotta keep it under wraps!  no one's buying that you fell asleep in your clothes tho guys. surriously.  squeaky pants goes to surprise kyptonz in bed to snuggle before his date with peyton and he pretty much gives her the BITCH HALE NAW face and goes back to sleep. again BURN.  im starting to get a real fatal attraction vibe from senorita squeakz. so peyton, jesse b, and KOFAX go to some drag racing place, i fast forward cuz none of this is remotely interesting and i only JUST passed the 1 hour mark. 
 

derrr

the other guys ask elizabeth if she's jealous and homegirl says no! then promptly loses her shit in the confessional.  kofax and kryptonite both lie and say there's nothing between their respective sluts (wrinkles and tenley duh).  jesse b says sweet and sour is not the type of girl he's looking for (aka he's not looking to get the clap).  peytonmeister (almost like leighton meester!) picks jesse b.  he sounds very dumb but yes he is dreamy as peyton says.  oh oh they seem like they are starting to like each other.  but i don't get the skank vibes so jesse b and gonna get nuffin.  

hahahaa! KOFAX says "elizabeth is ruining everything for me".  she is really fucking nutso.  she says she likes that he is struggling (then does and evil laugh).  he better dump her ass. 

gia and wes are on the couch and she's coyly biting her collagen injections, and wes vows to keep her ass in. he says sweet things to her.   not even creepy, cheesy sweet things, real actual sweet things. GAH I SEE THE APPEAL DAMMIT.  methinks i have a new favorite player... WESLEY BABY COME EEEER!

oh creepy i just actually thought in my head "i hope they date".  it is official my brain turned to mush at the 1 hour and 24 minute mark. fmlz.  40 more to go?!?

wes is getting really feisty with people threatening people to vote for his lady in waiting GIA and he says if kyptonite doesnt keeps her in, elizawrinkles will be going home. YES MAN DEAR GOD!! ps i just caught a glimpse of queen of the botox darkness gwen, i havent seen her all night!

things are not looking so good for ze weatherman. as gramma wrinkles says "i dont think he's funny. i don't think he's cute"  probably the only thing she has ever said that i agree with.  bitches are also voting for koFAX it seems.  wes continues his SAVE GIA campaign and angers everyone by saying to vote for wrinkzmcgee.  im scared my new fave is making himself vulnerable! please don't go the way of craig m wessidoll!!  

melissaTEEFrycroft is here looking oh so MARRIED (in yo faces losers!). kiptonite's bald spot is dying for a starring role on this show as it makes yet another appearance.  good luck with that squeaky mouse. ok heeeeeere we go with the votingz!

ashley: safe 

kiptynite: safe

squeakyqueen: safe (ugh she fucking CURTSEYED)

chins: safe

queen of the darkages of botox: safe

MA BOO WES: safe

krissily "you are not the father" bumpit: safe

it's down to weatherman and koFAX and gia and gramma wrinkles...

SEE YA WEATHERMAN! kofax is safe.  THERE IS AN EFFING TIE between ducklips and gramma wrinks and david has to break the tie.  im actually really impressed that wes' trickery went this well!  i'm even more proud of him now <3  david chooses my sweet sweet duck lips to go home and beef jerky forehead is saved.  gia looks extra sparkly and pretty tonight.  our love hate relationship is over again... for nowwww..

well that's all.  i was gonna leave you with this picture of the foxy CHRIS HARRISON. next week looks MAD dramatic.  lots of tears and fighting just the way i mothafackin like it!

but i decided i would leave you with a real treat to haunt your dreams.  

I GIVE YOU.  NIKKI AND HER CHINZ!!!!!!!!!!! (i know i am going to hell, sowwy)

anddddddd GOODNIGHT!!!

oh here we goz again...my boyfriend and ducklips and chinese food galore!!

this is an actual photo of a contestant the minute they emerge from da house...

well, here we are again.  i'm gonna do it in one whole parte, so brace your mother effing selves....

koFAX or whatever just decided within 30 seconds that being a couple with gramma wrinkles is a better strategy than being apart from her (i dizagree).  natalie (aka sweet n sour chicken if you do not recall) just said something about student loans.  this is puzzling to me cuz she looks and sounds like she has the IQ of an 8 year old.  and not a dashing, eloquent 8 year old like king curtis.  a real regular dumbass 8 year old!

anyway next up is something about pie eating.  kirsililily is making bitch faces.  nameless, faceless peyton is talking about inside (crispy chicken, tenley, wrinkles) vs. outside girls (krisililiy gwen, and the two faceless wonders).   

ok so these bitches have to eat pies without their hands, mrs. big teef rycroft tells us (it seems that ABC has heard my yells and have cut her presence out a bit this episode. praise da lawd). anyway, krilsislsiy is starting to cry! about pie!  she doesnt have a gal bladder or something so she cant digest fat (which sounds good, no?) but that douche guy whose name  i forget said that was a bad move, you know cuz playing the game is more important than dying.  of course to play this game the girls must where as little clothes as possible. there are SO many inappropriate porn related jokes i can make right now but i wont.  squeaky mouse doesnt like this at allll. she's gonna vom then eat it i think?  darling duck lips is yacking too.  k i will comment no more about this.  vomit is not prime blog topicz....now we just wait.  ok duck lips gia and squeaky mouse are neck and neck but just ew,.  haha gia won and you just ate all those calories squeaky pants!! l to the o to the lz.

dis is squeaky pantz post contest!

i refuse to comment on the male portion of this contest unless something bad happens like my bf, craig M's gorgeous rpatz-esque mane gets mussed in the berries.  i wish they gave him a headband or hairnet or something. sadz. just a sidenote i do not appreciate that in the after commenting portion they did not allow gramma wrinkles to wipe her face down.  OH NO!!!!! my bf just stuck his hair in the pie on purpose to wipe up some pie.  i am sad but impressed with his ingenuity.  ugh my arch enemy the weatherman just won. i barfz

anyfarts weatherman pick queen of the dark ages (gwen) and i kid you not the two nameless faceless wonders, ashley and peyton!  this makes me lol.  he wants to charge them and says this is "BIZNEZZ".  i dislike him and his (what i can only presume is a) teeny wiener. they're gonna body paint or some shit.  im disinterested AGAIN.  omg he's in his speedo again.  he actually just called it "SPEEDO THE SEQUEL"  i vomz.  

krisilsisliy is still bitching about not being one of the cool kids.  someone's parents did not shell out enough money for therapy in her teen years which also is evident cuz she's ON THIS SHOW. also, why is gia an outsider?  she so foxy! ducklips and all! 

anyfartz it is worth noting that this week's experience is slightly more pleasant cuz a i am wearing a robe (no gym clothes, i got realistic), and i started this shit late so i can fast forward through the terrible commercialz.  but seirously, this foursome on this date is like reject city! 

gramma wrinks, kryptonitez and sweet and sour chicken are talking strategy and she just said "the others".  this is not LOST bitch.  you are not in the same category, step BACK. 

ok moving on, bla bla gwen and weatherman like each other or some shit. gwen is giving me meg ryan vibes.  not like cute when harry met sally americas sweet heart meg ryan, but like post dennis quaid botched botox meg ryan.  weatherbitch should think long and hard if THIS is the kind face he wants to be wakin up to in the morning.  JUST SAYZINNNNN!

anyway, gia is bringing wes, my boyfriend craig, and a third one whose name she is going to "pick out of of a hat" but that sneaky bitch just wrote JESSE BECK (aka sweet n sour chicken's main piece) on every piece of paper.  how smaht of her!

ruh roh.  jesse b just said he doesnt reeeeery like natalie and he is only here for the monay$.  wrinkles is conspiring with koFAX. ok im sorry i REALLY cant focus.  i am looking for bday presents for my roommate (HAYYYY! dis is a test to see if she's reading so HAYY ROOMAY) but focusing on the cinematic masterpiece before us, they should rename this show from the bachelor pad to EVERYBODY LOVES GIA!!! wes, craig m, jesse b.  they loovvvveee this bitch!! wes is drop L bombs, no jkz!

anyvaze, GIA picks wes instead of craig Mz like she promised.  ruh rohhhh.  heidi fleiss and david make out in the hot tub to show their trust or something.  KRISILSISLILy povich is getting mad about it! anyway i think jesse b just broke'd up with sweet n sour! gia is more girlfriend material!  fack i need to focus more! my brainz gonna be explodzingz!!!

 chris harrison's tie and shirt combo is making my eyes bleed.  purple polka dot tie and brown gingham looking shirt plus black jacket.  i think i just got tourette's.

anyway squeaky made wrinkles mad about something, and SHOCKZ she started to get upset. dun dun dunnnnnnn it's elimination timezzz....outsider girls wanna send KYptYn home, but i doubt that will happen, cuz then how will the theme of squeaky virginal squeaky and kiptyn romance be able to be shown? anyway...people are against my bf craigypoo again! wrinkles, faceless ashley, and sweet n sour chicken just voted for him :( seems like some dudes are voting for KRISISISISLY but heidi fleiss was blindsided that peeps were trying to vote for her! 

the dudes seem to be scrambling to get NIKKI as their swing vote.  kYPotinz is going to go after her and i believe this will work because of her vulnerability due to her unnatural and overwhelming jowls/chin area. krisilsislsiy thinks the outsiders are going to take over the house.  did i accidentally change the channel and the year and stumble onto the set of kid nation? 

ok here we go:

squeakz- safe

faceless peyton- safe

jesse b- safe

faceless ashley- safe

jowly nikki- safe

david- safe

gramma wrinkles- safe

orange chicken deluxe- safe

koFAX- safe

it's down to krisilsislisy, heidi fleiss, my boyfriend, and kyptonite and sadly my heart knows what up.

krisily and kyptonz are safe :(

NO MORE HEIDI FLEISS AND EVIL PDEMPZ?!!!! WTFFFFZ!?!?!?!?!

we will never see this gorgeous creature again!? just like crazy michelle he has left me too early.  i leave you some photos to cherish as i will through these difficult timesz...

moral of the story is nikki and her jowls are efffffed going forward! the previews show me this for real, but for now i will mourn the loss of my bf. um also in the preview for next week, sweet n sour gets topless, gia calls wes a modern day Shakespeare anddddd um that's it i think.  all i know is, my roommate has no bday present and i... i has a sad 

until next time my friendz....

My Boyfriend and....ze parte 3

MICHELLE? is this show trying to hurt my heart? god elizabethwrinkles' blonde hair is distracting me as much as ali's wrinkles (seen at right) did last time i blogged. 

anyyyway, they are trying to figure out if crazy michelle hooked up with my boyfriend craig.  oh my gahd the winner gets to take THREE bitches on his date!

swoonz.

he is taking jessie the hollywood madame; gwen, the botox queen from the dark ages; and wrinkles mcgee!  michelles got that crazy look in  her eyes again.  i love it.  they are all in bafing suits getting into the limo.  that can't be fun- wet bodies sticking to faux leather seats?  yuckz.  anyvaze.  ma bf, evil pdempz nipple's are on permanent salute.  they are frolicking in the waves.  crotchety queen gwen has a surprisingly hot bod for a 56 year old.  

anyvaze, they are talking in direct sunlight and gramma wrinkles (word up to the original!) is flirting and her non-bf "kovax" says he don't want people thinking they are together and that lying and deceiving are his middle name.  so cheesetastic.  elizabeth is already talking about her heart getting broken.  bitch you been there THREE HOURS.  (sidenote its only 9:03)

crispy orange chicken said she was falling in love with jesse (he has tattoos) while i was in the kitchen making myself a petite pb&j.  idiotz.

my bf, craiggypoo just was told by melissa's giant married teeth that he had to pick one of the three broads to continue and be safe.  he picked jessi and they are awkwardly dancing (they literally just bumped heads) dancing to this band i THINK is the calling and they were cool roughly 7 years ago.  there is no romance here, they are still dancing in the way the most white people do when they don't really know how, i.e., jumping in place, pointing at each other etc etc.  

gwen and gramma wrinkles are going back to the house.  wompity wompz ladies!

ONLY 45 mins to go!!! ze parte 4 coming right up!