Jake and his army of skanks have returned to entertain and embarrass the viewers, but so many questions remain unanswered. Will Ali leave her 8 by 10 glossy pics of Jake (like printed right from ABC’s website) on her bedside table and come back to his homolicious embrace? Will Tenley stop sucking on helium before she goes on camera and squeaking about being a divorcee? Will Vienna Snausages crawl back to the hooters from which she came? Will Gia ever visit a speech therapist to take care of whatever the fuck is wrong with the way she talks? Will Jake ever man up and admit that his saying he wants the girls to “open up completely” is really just code for “take off ya pants bitch!?”? Let’s see…
GIA- Gia’s a fox but this is not going anywhere. It’s clear from how he talks about her ass that she’s done and he just wants to get with her in the fantasy suite to say he banged a model (he is Mr. Dateless, after all), but for real she IS really good looking (especially in the body department, no lezzo), but Jakeypoo asked Tenley’s dad if he could marry her, signed a deal with the devil to court skanky Snausages, and apparently still has a boner for that whiny Ali, so her chances are looking slim to me! Right now they’re in a Jacuzzi surrounded by rose petals and candles and I feel nauseous and these two pretty idiots are off!
Sorry Gigi, but even your blog recaps are getting dominated by the other girls. Back to dating professional athletes with real money for you!
More commercials threatening me with Tenley’s squeaky virginal song and dance (homegirl you been MARRIED already give it up), Snausages skankin it up, and Ali whining into the phone. Poor Gia, her teeny bit of camera time has run out.
TENLEY- She arrives right on cue, hopping around, squeaking like the little ballerina mouse that she is. So happy bla bla bla. These two look like brother and sister. Maybe the most shocking finale EVER will reveal these two drips are really brother and sister.
Perverts. Anyway, they’re back in a plane for the 50th time this season and captain Jakeypantz is not flying, but he is talking to her in the little headsets. HOW NEAT, if you are 8 years old.
Now they’re “exploring” and going into the water and Jake says he wants to know if she will open her heart up aka if she will shut up and put out! (Jake sorry to break it to you, but probably not. US Weekly told me she withheld sex from her ex husband when they were married on the regula!!) Barf. She just used the phrase “making my heart smile”. And now “I hope there’s a lifetime of dancing”. Vomit. Then he said, “every time we kiss I feel like I'm running on the treadmill” aka “I have a big time boner”. This pretend virginal lil ballerina mouse just said yes to the fantasy suite before he could even finish the invitation. And that she lovessss dessert which is false, as she weighs a whoppin 82 lbs. But Jake finds her morals and values SEXAY so cue the sappy music.
VIENNA- Behold! Snausages is here in all her skanky glory! Being immature and fun and lovin life aka being a slut! She has a very classy tattoo on display and the two are all giggly and licking each other’s faces (seriously) and walking the plank while the geniuses over at ABC decided to set the mood by playing an orchestral version of ON THE WINGS OF LOVVVEEEE while Jakeygirl and Snausages make out on a giant pirate shit (ship but I'm leavin it).
She’s really skankin it up. They’re making out on the beach and I see tongue and I feel sick. Jake says he’s looking for substance with Snausages and I would like to tell him he’s probs not gonna find it between her fake bubbies, but dammit if he’s not gonna keep trying! Snausages is one homegirl he’s not gonna have to ask to go to the fantasy suite, bitch has already been there and left her toothbrush. But hey at least she’s owning her slutdom! She’s yapping at dinner and my god, she sounds dumb. But Jake’s asking her about what kind of rings she likes?! WTF is going on? She just said she’s falling in love with him and, shockakahn, he says nothing, but plants a big one on her and then says he loves that she told him that. If that’s not a burn I don’t know what is. Snausages can hardly read the fantasy suite invitation out loud, but by god she is GOING TO GO THERE. More roses and candles! Vienna “reeeeaaalllyyyy” wants alone time aka is going to seal the deal once and for all. She comes out with a white satin nightie to show Jake her "other side". Bitch is gon' get hers and lock that camera crew out. Ta ta!
Commercials are here again and the threats of ALI are upon us, so she’s gonna get her own section whether she comes back or not. I’m hoping the shot of Jake saying “come back right now” is all just clever editing cuz I can’t handle that shit.
ALI- Wowww, the phones ringing Jakey! Wonder who it is! OG (our girl, not original gangsta) Jakey answers the phone all confused like he doesn’t know this shit is coming. Ali whines that she’s a mess right now and she knows she made the wrong choice (as do the producers since they are filming her in full makeup for this phone call)! If I met this girl in real life, I honestly think I would punch her in the face and I’m not even the violent type. Ali needs to chill the F out and get some botox in those forehead lines of hers.
Jakeypants is clearly having a hard time reading his cue cards cuz he is stuttering and doesn’t know if he can let her back in (not your call buddy). She gon’ cry!!! And so is Jakeypantz! Oh noooo. This whole exchange is making me miss the subtle charms and understated elegance of Miss Snausagez! DUN DUN DUN!!! Ali you faker!! He said no and she doesn’t even tear up?! Not a single tear (until her confessional where she loses it and looks a hot mess doing so) Cameraho, you’re time is UP. Peace bitch!
So we have 30 mins left for Jakeypantz to ponder his decision shirtlessly. Chris Harrison will return to remind us that one of these women will be his WIFE. Either way, it’s looking like the final two will be the maybe blood relative, born again virgin queen, Tenley and a skank of some sort (one nice, Gia, and one probably diseased, Snausages).
Oh good, they’re going to recap the entire episode I just watched, but this time in fuzzy warmly lit fantasy vision.
Mmmm…here come the video messages:
Tenley: I’m falling in love with you, squeak, I adore you, squeak, I wanna have your baby, squeak, dancing forever, squeak, byebye!
Gia: I can’t open up, I’m falling in love with you, check out my cleavage, I hope we have more time to grow, look at my cleavage, bye!
Snausages: Hi sweetheart (seriously), you’re the man of my dreams, I want to flirt with you for the next 80 years, I’m in love with you, I wanna be your wife! (reading between the lines this translates roughly to" if you don’t pick me I will kill you and whoever beats me)
Rose Ceremony:
Tenley first! Squeaksqueaksqueak!!! These two can have crinkly nosed vanilla love forever!
UGH SNAUSAGES LIVES TO SEE ANOTHER DAY!!! Jake must have a death wish and not like his peen very much to be kicking off the model hottie Gia in favor of Princess Snausages. What a tard. Jake says it was not easy. Gia’s pisssssed (but maybe just bought herself a spot as the next Bachelorette).
More to come next week when The Women Tell All. I cannot wait for the return of crazy Michelle! Homegirl is UNSTABLE!! Enjoy!
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