OK so it’s a Saturday night in New York City—and I find myself in an all too familiar position—sitting solo in my apartment ordering Mexican delivery and watching shitty movies on TV. Don’t get me wrong ain't no shame in my game—I’m not much of a late night partier ever, but tonight is particularly depressing cuz it’s the day before valentine’s day which I would have forgotten all about if not for the endless stream of Facebook statuses and tweets about “celebratin’ wit ma baby” or my fave “hot date tonight w. the hubby” from the girl I graduated high school with who has hot pink hair, drawn on eyebrows and is the mother of two kids under two years old AND wife to a man who legit looks like a vampire (and not in a sexy RPatz kinda way, the legit pale, sunken eyes, and oddly sharp looking teeth way). I wonder what a hot date entails for those too, for real. I’m actually curious.
Anyway I digress. So I’m here watching shitty, shitty movies on USA’s “Love is a Battlefield Movie Marathon”(for real) I realize it is my own fault for willingly sitting through something with such an obvious and painful title, but I don’t know, I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment. I just finished hurting my brain watchingLicense to Wed starring my boyfriend (in my head) Jim Halpert. I’m never gonna call him by his real name John Kra-somethingethnicsounding, ever. Anyway it sucked. Like, reeeeal bad. I knew it would, but I sat through it, chomping on my quesadilla trying to keep the thoughts of 'jesus my life sucks' and 'wow Mandy Moore has nice hair but is so obnoxious' from sneaking into my mind. So after the shiteous Jim Halpert film, came Enchanted, which let’s face it is pretty fucking good. It’s silly, but its got that sort of infectious, lets not take everything sooo seriously, kind of vibe that my life is sorely lacking. It even has fun songs and McDreamy and Idina Menzel and a guy who places tin drums in central park while amy adams flits around looking like the real life Ariel from The Little Mermaid (Ariel, circa the end of the movie when she gets legs and learns manners—not circa the sack dress, mute on the beach, brushing her hair with a dinglehopper at the dinner table. God, Prince Eric must've been into some kinky shit…). The only thing making this seemingly innocuous pity party for one worse is the commercials. These people reeeally nailed their target audience. There is legit a commercial for a match.com/eharmony/jdate type site every sandwiched between one for teeth whiteners and Healthy Choice garbage. (Fun fact when it gets a little later these will be replaced with the skeevier chat line commercials which I can think of fewer things creepier than—except for maybe Chat Roulette but that’s a story for another day).
My whole point of this is to give a special Valentine's Day Shout Out to those over at USA for putting this magical evening together for me. Fuck you and your Love is a Battlefield Movie Marathon. That's all!
Sidenote(z) I just flipped back to enchanted and am catching the end, I forgot how sick James Marsden’s prince costume is with the giant purple and gold shoulder pads and then how he and Mrs. Taye Diggs jump into a sewer to turn into cartoons while Carrie Underwoodz sings to me about happy ever after! OH and the chipmunk turns into a real guy with a book and hot bitches? Someone was high when this was made, I assure you.
Oh and Maria Von Trapp is narrating this?! I forgot all about that part, what a treat! but SVU is coming on now to shit alllll over and little happy moment. The one I watched last week was about some little kid getting molested by his new step dad played by Mr. Prezbo from The Wire (his mom was Rosie "If I'm thirsty, I don't want you to bring me a glass of water" Perez) who’s into some NAMBLA type shit. Trust me when I say this is not something you want to peep before bed. Changing the channel now…
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