Reasons Terrorists Hate America: The Sex And The City Edition

below is an actual photo of me and ma man chillin on the couch. you don't dress like this on the regular? You don't? Lame.

so i love sex and the city as much as the next broad and i am not shy about it.  it makes me cringe, but i am drawn to this shit, so i shamelessly bribed my sister and a friend to see it with me with some free movie passes i had. i liked it, obvs, but there are some things that need to be said.

#1. The clothes...

are. retarded.  i could not check my brain at the door and accept that this is how people dress. like i live in the city for which this movie is named, and i have never witnessed such audacious fuckery.  i wonder if the people who live in other places think this is what new york city is really like? for 99% of the movie the satc hoes are wearing ridiculously expensive and impractical outfits and shoes such as fug-ass brown wool blazers over ball gowns in abu dhabi, a $50,000 dior/zac posen getup to a goddamn spice market, and this shit, which honestly i can't even find the words to describe.  poor cynthia nixon must have really pissed off someone in the wardrobe departmentt.   but as avid watchers of the series and the first movie, none of this should be surprising, i'm just sharing cuz i think it proves patricia fields has officially gone batshit insane.  oh yeah, and apparently the wardrobe budget was $10 million dollars which is cool cuz our country's economy is doing really awesome and there are no sick children or starving people in africa that could have used that cashflow.  

#2.  The puns...

hurt my head.  i am writing on a blog read by like 3 of my friends and some people are getting paid big bucks to write these gems:

- carrie sees the ridiculous tent set up for them after their camel rides and calls it "Bedouin bath and beyond"

-samantha calls some hot guy in the desert "Lawrence of my labia."

-ladies in burkas are called "the Real Housewives of Abu Dhabi"

-carrie calls charlottes worries over the nanny's boobs "the jude law"  (which actually was kind of funny)

-upon arriving at their hotel carrie actually says "i don't think we're in kansas anymore".  would anyone actually be friends with this person in real life?

-charlotte gets a camel toe while riding on a camel.  methinks the same person who is out to get cynthia nixon is out to get kristin davis as well, since they had her shitting her pants in the first movie and now they give her 12 year old boy jokes.

#3.  The life lessons...

the movie is just chock full of the good shit! for example:

-it's ok to be wildly inappropriate and shake your bubbies all up in another lady's husband's face if you're a lesbian! there's a plotline about charlotte's hot nanny not wearing a bra and shaking her boobs all over the place, making charlotte scared harry goldenblatt's gonna cheat with her hot irish ass.  after wasting much of the movie with charlotte sulking about this and trying to get service on her iphone in the desert, they quickly make note at the end that the nanny is a lesbo so like, problem solved right?!  that won't turn harry on at all!  NEAT!

-cheating=diamonds!  why didn't anyone tell me this before! after carrie tells big she kissed aiden (both of whom look hot btwz) he doesn't pick her up at the airport and you're like oh goddd not this shit again!  but then he comes home and "forces" her to wear a gigantic black diamond so she won't forget she's married.  so, you're welcome little girls of america, now you know the tricks!

-oh and liza minelli has better legs than you ever will.  SORRY!

so, yeah go see it.  i probs will, again.  then buy it when it comes out on dvd. UGH sometimes i hate maself! ta-ta

Reasons Terrorists Hate America: Platinum Weddings

Oh Platinum Weddings, our relationship is so love hate.  Well it used to be love in a guilty pleasure kind of way, now its just straight up hate. Hate, hate, hate I hate it but I cannot look away when its on- and it’s on a lot. You see when I was in a stable relationship and thought a wedding was on the horizon in a few years, I ate this shit up.  But now like every stereotypical single girl I'm a cynical bitch who outwardly hates (and secretly loves) on all things wedding and relationship-related, while still maintaining an intense jealousy for those “lucky people” who have found such bliss.  What a conundrum.  So now that my initial hatin' has been explained I must get into the show and the many questions I have about it. 

                                                                                         

1. Where in the fuck do these people find the money to afford such ridiculously tacky things?  They show the bride and grooms family and their houses sometimes and they are like legit ghetto.   Sometimes they will briefly say what they bride and groom do for a living and there was one where the woman clearly came from the mob and the guy was a firefighter, yet he got her a pre wedding present of a diamond bracelet worth 30 grand aka my entire year's salary.  How does that work?  Does he buy it with their joint bank account  then surprise her with the credit card bill later a la K.Fed? I need to know.  Speaking of things people should know... just a heads up to the ladies, if the groom wants to be super involved with shit like flowers and sparkles you have a bigger problem on your hands than the ice sculpture design.  (Exhibits A and B are to the left and below.)

2. Why do people insist on having different themes that have nothing to do with them? Like the Jewish couple from PA who insist on having a south beach vibe.  Or the random Jewish couple from the south who want all Asian fusion stuff.  (Notice the theme with the couples featured on the show.  From my count is 50% Asians, 50% Jewish, and 100% new money.  No old money wasps would be caught dead on this shit) 

3. WTF is the appeal of tiny, loose Swarovski crystals? I don’t get- crystals in random places that no one will see them and they will probably fall off (i.e.- on the edge of your veil that people will probably step on, stuck in between the flowers on the tables for extra "bling".  They stick them on the edges of the cake yet they are not fucking edible.  Do they want to kill people?  Come to think of it, I should figure out how much those things go for and just stalk these idiots' ceremonies catching all the crystals that fall off and then eBay the shit out of them.  But I digress.

4. Is there something wrong with me that I can’t grasp the concept of spending shitloads of money on things you cant keep?  Like they table linens and different kinds of plates- do they think anyone is going to leave their wedding and be like wow that was cool but did you see those plain white plates? HOW TACKY!! That shit will never happen so people should not stress.  If I know the people in my life they will care about two things- availability of free booze and maybe the food, but really they probably wont remember the food because of the mass amounts of booze that will take precedence. 

I know I sound like a crotchety old hag, but I just had to get it out.  Sunday afternoon TV doesn’t really offer very much-  it’s literally this or various shows about forensic murder mysteries or ways the world will end or my most hated- the Olympics grrr how I despise them.

But anyway MAZEL TOV. Happy endings and big fat divorce settlements to come!

                         Don't they just look SO happy?

PS- I just learned there is also a show called Platinum Babies.  Our threat level should be raised any minute now!