Oh American Idol, how I have missed you. I have to preface this and all American Idol postings with the boldfaced statement that I am obsessed with this shit. Like in an unhealthy way. So do with that what you will. I missed the hot mess that was the Top 12 Girls yesterday because i was out trying to have a "social life", which coincidentally also failed miserably. So now, I'm back to skewer the bros. Here we go betches.
Todrick Hall (I missed his back story video but I’m sure it was painful) singing Since You Been Gone… sounding like a hot fucking mess. First the spoken lyrics that weren’t part of the actual song in the beginning, the weird warbley high-pitched thing, the leather fingerless gloves, this shit is horrible. Failz. See ya never Toddy!
The Judges Ruling…Simon, Kara, and Randy got it right the words murdering it, torture, and verging on stupid were used.
Aaron Kelly. Oh gahdddd, a 16 year old who doesn’t know he’s a total homo just yet is here! Helloooo World! It’s all like a dream bla la bla; I’ve heard this crap before. I have no idea what his prepubescent ass is singing, sounds country so I’m over it already. Sweet hair gel and Nick Lachey moves though dude.
The Judges Ruling…Ugh they like this little tool. Kara is talking too much as usual, but they all loooove him. Oh and I’m pretty sure Seacrest just ragged on him for being a little man. Homos in glass houses, Ryan…
Jermaine Sellers. I already like this guy cuz he reminds me of Jamar from last year who didn’t even make it to the top 24, which is sad for two reasons- 1. I should not remember him and 2. He didn’t make it. SADZ. Hope Jermaine can represent for his fallen brothas (yeah that was pretty racist, sorrrray, i meant it in a good way! Well he certainly looks like a fool with his jacket with tails and what I can only assume is a leather flower in his breast pocket. He could be good I guess, but he’s screeching at me and I don’t appreciate it.
The Judges Ruling… Randy likes his threads dawg, but I’m feeling a table full of ehhhh from these 4.
Tim Urban. Pretty cute and brought back from the dead after someone else got kicked off! Even with his doofy helmet hair, I feel like a younger me would have been in love with his ass He hasn’t even started singing yet, but I really want him to be good. Fingers crossed for this little gooba! OH GOSH. His high notes are making me cringe and judging by the faces he’s making they’re making him cringe too. I hope he can stay around and sing something not so facking high pitched and gay cuz I will say it again- he is pretttyyy cute.
The Judges Ruling… Oh, Simon no likeyyyy. Ouchies.
Jose Munoz. Hmm his little back story made me feel zippo so I typed nothing. Boring. He is singing one of my old favorite Jason Mraz songs “You and I Both” and you know what? It doesn’t suck at all. It’s not great by any stretch, but it’s not terrible. Meh, I’m surprised in the most boring way one can be. Oh well! PS- They keep calling him Joe, and not Jose, looks like somebody’s running away from their Mexican roots! Ay dios mio papi!
The Judges Ruling…They seem to agree with my sentiment- he’s been the best so far but not the best ever. Oh burn; Simon says we will all forget that performance in 10 seconds. I already forgot what I was writing about! Moving on…
Tyler Grady. UGH. This guy. Legit makes me feel queasy. I honestly feel like if there were such a thing as “smell-i-vision” he would break it with his stench. The kid looks stanky and like he is in need of many many showers. He looks so slick, and not in a positive way. His 70’s clothes and hair and copycat dance/shimmy moves up behind the microphone are just too contrived I can’t deal. And god his chin is ginormous. I’m sorry I know I’m being cruel, but yeesh. See it’s hard for me to even comment on the singing- I’m too distracted by all the rest (Simon’s face just told me he feels exactly the same way)!
The Judges Ruling… Ohh they all agree with me. He needs to drop the shtick and actually try to be a good singer. My guess is he will not be able to do dat! Sorry!!
Lee DeWyze. I am liking his Hollywood Week footage and his little knit cap. I have high hopes for him based solely on that. (I don’t like his accent though, something midwesterny I think). Oh I’m swooning in the first 10 seconds of “Chasing Cars”. I’m a sucker for a white boy with an acoustic guitar. The only things stopping me from loving him (in all CAPS) is that he bears a striking resemblance to a good friend of mine (that'd just be pervy)and as I was typing he had some pretty “pitchy moments dawg”
The Judges Ruling… Ellen thinks he was yelling a lil, which is true as all hale. Randy and Kara say eh and Simon says he’s the besttttt! Woot woot!
John Park. The Asian duuude. Hey now. WTF is he singing God Bless The Child? I feel uncomfortable. He’s got a little soul in him though and is getting better as the song goes on, but the Asian blow out hairdo he’s rocking is mayjahly off-putting! I cannot help it!
The Judges Ruling… Meh, they no likey. Borrrrringggg
Michael Lynch. Big daddy with a guitar singing Maroon 5. I can dig it! This guy’s going to be in top 12 no matter what if for nothing else than his whole big loveable look and wife having the baby during Hollywood Week. He’s just a likeable and memorable guy. I don’t think he can win, but he is good, so that’s that.
The Judges Ruling… Too safe, but good bla bla bla wife had a baby, bla, ok we’re done.
Alex Lambert. I had no idea who this lil dude with what appears to be a Florence Henderson circa the early Brady Bunch years haircut was until 2 minutes ago, but now I think I’m in love (minus the hair). He told that crazy Mary bitch that he hated her- to her face- and now he’s singing James Morrison’s Wonderful World and I love it. If they trim his hair a tad I will move from lowercase love to CAPS.
The Judges Ruling…Oouchiez. Simon hated the performance but says he has a good voice. I have faith in this little nugget and Ellen just gave his mullet a shout out and compared him to an unripe banana.
Casey James. Aka the one who took his shirt off in his first audition. Hmm he is cute, I guess, but I’m not a fan of the surfery/cowboy long hair thing. He’s pretty good at singing though, which I guess is important, but he has a thing for Kara, which is an immediate black mark against him. Fun fact, there must be a porn star with the same name cuz when I tried to find a picture of him I got a lot of big breasted ladies poppin up on my screen. You’ve been warned.
The Judges Ruling… They like him, Kara has a boner for real, Randy digs it, lezzie Ellen has a thang for the guy, even Si-Si is lovin on this broheim.
Andrew Garcia… They just mentioned his name and I immediately google his sweet ass rendition of Paula’s Straight Up. This guy is just goooood and different and real. I don’t even want to see his back story cuz I feel like they will find a way to cheese it up and this bro does not need that shit. Ah, god I love him. He’s singing a song I hate, by Fall Out Boy I think, but I love it anyway. I just typed him into youtube and there are a bunch of videos of him singing with an asian girl, and if you can ignore her ass and just wait for our boy AG, you will be pleased, I promz. Look here!
The Judges Ruling… Simon didn’t like it. Bitch. Ugh neither did the others! It don’t matter, AGarz’ chunky ass has my heart forever and ever.
OK So for the record,
My Faves: AGarz (obvs), Michael Lynch and Alex
My Hates: Tyler Greasy Grady, Toddykinz Hall and Ze Ajen, John Park
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