Oh Platinum Weddings, our relationship is so love hate. Well it used to be love in a guilty pleasure kind of way, now its just straight up hate. Hate, hate, hate I hate it but I cannot look away when its on- and it’s on a lot. You see when I was in a stable relationship and thought a wedding was on the horizon in a few years, I ate this shit up. But now like every stereotypical single girl I'm a cynical bitch who outwardly hates (and secretly loves) on all things wedding and relationship-related, while still maintaining an intense jealousy for those “lucky people” who have found such bliss. What a conundrum. So now that my initial hatin' has been explained I must get into the show and the many questions I have about it.
1. Where in the fuck do these people find the money to afford such ridiculously tacky things? They show the bride and grooms family and their houses sometimes and they are like legit ghetto. Sometimes they will briefly say what they bride and groom do for a living and there was one where the woman clearly came from the mob and the guy was a firefighter, yet he got her a pre wedding present of a diamond bracelet worth 30 grand aka my entire year's salary. How does that work? Does he buy it with their joint bank account then surprise her with the credit card bill later a la K.Fed? I need to know. Speaking of things people should know... just a heads up to the ladies, if the groom wants to be super involved with shit like flowers and sparkles you have a bigger problem on your hands than the ice sculpture design. (Exhibits A and B are to the left and below.)
2. Why do people insist on having different themes that have nothing to do with them? Like the Jewish couple from PA who insist on having a south beach vibe. Or the random Jewish couple from the south who want all Asian fusion stuff. (Notice the theme with the couples featured on the show. From my count is 50% Asians, 50% Jewish, and 100% new money. No old money wasps would be caught dead on this shit)
3. WTF is the appeal of tiny, loose Swarovski crystals? I don’t get- crystals in random places that no one will see them and they will probably fall off (i.e.- on the edge of your veil that people will probably step on, stuck in between the flowers on the tables for extra "bling". They stick them on the edges of the cake yet they are not fucking edible. Do they want to kill people? Come to think of it, I should figure out how much those things go for and just stalk these idiots' ceremonies catching all the crystals that fall off and then eBay the shit out of them. But I digress.
4. Is there something wrong with me that I can’t grasp the concept of spending shitloads of money on things you cant keep? Like they table linens and different kinds of plates- do they think anyone is going to leave their wedding and be like wow that was cool but did you see those plain white plates? HOW TACKY!! That shit will never happen so people should not stress. If I know the people in my life they will care about two things- availability of free booze and maybe the food, but really they probably wont remember the food because of the mass amounts of booze that will take precedence.
I know I sound like a crotchety old hag, but I just had to get it out. Sunday afternoon TV doesn’t really offer very much- it’s literally this or various shows about forensic murder mysteries or ways the world will end or my most hated- the Olympics grrr how I despise them.
But anyway MAZEL TOV. Happy endings and big fat divorce settlements to come!
Don't they just look SO happy?
PS- I just learned there is also a show called Platinum Babies. Our threat level should be raised any minute now!
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