OK so we have the ladayz tonight, and shocka I’m watching it on time! So we jump right on in with....
BOWERSOXX. Who apparently was super sick yesterday, but she just killed some song I never heard and errybody loved the shit out of it. Oh and she has a twin brother named Karl who is a total square she tells me. I can’t say much else cuz I was pretty confident she was gonna kill it so I didn’t really pay attention, but shocka khan, she did.
Da judges: They all loved it and Simon said she is gonna be Kelly Clarkson or something. Sick burn on all the other girls.
HAELEAY. Ugh god I hate her and all her glittery shit and terribly colored makeup. Don’t they have stylists on this show? She’s talking about how she makes headbands and they are just as fug as she is (SORRY) her giant teeth and mouth and slight lisp just annoy the shit out of me. Oh and she’s singing a Hannah Montana song. This is gonna be a hot mess for me. Ok if I close my eyes, she’s not awful yet, but how come she doesn’t have the lisp when she sings? I don’t getz.
Da judges: They hates it too. Byebye HAELAYEAY
LACEY. This ho looks like a low budget Nikki McKibin from season 1. Wow her “interesting” fact is that she buys and refurbishes old furniture. How intriguing, ya nerd. She’s singing “Kiss Me” from She’s All That (great film), but I am already bored. I didn’t like when the first girl sang it and now I like it even less when it’s paired with this horrific spiky red hair and poofy-shouldered ensemble. Wow it keeps getting worse as the song goes on. UNfortz. Get her off my screen, no one wants to kiss her punky lil face when she’s singin’ like dis.
Da judges: Big Dawg Randy says it just wasn’t special. Ellen says it was adorable. I think we should start factoring Ellen’s lezzyness into her judgments here cuz homegirl is WAY OFF and is letting her ladyparts do the thinkin’, not her brain. Kara yappin, I’m not listening. Simon sez it’s forgettable bla bla.
KATIE STEVENZ. (aka the one with the sick grandma, I think) Oh, what we don’t know is she’s a total skank, and knows how to say “give me a kiss” in six different languages. She just told America not to think too badly of her, but I already do. Too late! Lil Sluttykinz. K so she’s singing Go Put Your Records On, which I love, but we will waitz and seez. She is so much better than I expected her to be, I’m not like in looove or anything (my heart belongs to gray-haired Lilly) but she is good and stuff. Kudoz lil slut!
Da judges: Randy says there were some bright momentz but it’s not that good. Kara and Ellen don’t love it eitha. Maybe I misheard. Simon sez it’s frustrating cuz she’s needs experience and stuff. Seacrest mentioned BEIBER again!! I think he loves him.
DIDI. Used to be a mascot apparently. Ugh before she hits the stage she prays (UGH) and she MEOWS. Yeah, she meows. Good God. Ok she’s singing Lean On Me and I already don’t likez cuz you don’t fuck with a classic unless you’re really good and this is not really good. She’s reminding me of J.Simpz and not in a good way- with the yelly-singing and awkward hand motions and whatnot. Oh well. Unfortunate cuz I liked her in Hollywood I think.
Da judges: Randy gives a polite HALE NAW. Ellen yapped something. Kara hatez it and is talking with the chompy jaw thing again. Simon sez she sounded like a cat! Screeching! Sick burn SiSi! Damn she is so close to crying she won’t even talk to Seacrest! Bitch needs to grow upppppppp.
MICHELLE. I am bored by her already. Her interesting fact is that she works with kids. She sounds like she’s reciting the lines to that Whitney Houston song. I believe that children are the future. She also prays before she goes on stage (bo-ring). She’s singing Creed and wearing one half-glove with a ring on the outside of it. Her dress looks like a fluffy white diaper. Meh. Just meh, that’s all I have to say about her. Yikes the end of that was BAD.
Da judges: Randy and Ellen like her wacko outfit. But it was eh. I just looked up and noticed Ellen has a really wrinkly neck. Such pretty blue eyes but her neck looks mangled. Chompy Kara loved it. She’s such an idiot. Simon liked it too. Yuckyz. Dislike.
LILLLLAYYY. Ma girl. She’s gonna sing Sam Cooke. I cross my fingers for her cuz I love this bitch for real. Her interesting fact is that she plays a shitload of instruments, which makes me like her even more. Tonight she playing the 12-string geetar and I liked it, but I am biased. OH WELLLLLL.
Da judges: Randy said it was fave of the night. YES. Ellen says she has IT. Kara was RIVETED. Simon sez Bowersox was better but she was great.
(ps i like her so much she gets a double pic. BOOM)
KATELYN. Is singing Coldplay and playin the piano. I really like it. I don’t remember her from any other time before but she just won my cold cold heart over for real. And she’s cute. She’s playing it reeeeeeally slow though. It’s good though I likez her.
Da judges: Randy “actually really liked it”. Ellen says it was too slow. Chompy says she “kind of loves her”. Simon said it was a smart choice of song but he said she becomes quiet corny when she performs which I don’t really get cuz she just was sitting there playing the piano. Weirdzz
PAIGE. Who the ef is Paige? Never heard of her. Never seen her before. I actually just walked out of the room when she was singing to talk about some British tabloid shit with my stepdiddy. Wez talking about Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole and cheating scandalz for footballers. Sorry Paige, maybe next week.
Da judges: Randy didn’t like it. Ellen liked it. They just showed Paige’s friends in the audience and they are whiter than white which made me lol. Chompy likes the song cuz she wrote it but she just said some shit about how she shouldn’t have been smiling cuz Kara wasn’t smiling when she wrote it. How the f was Paige supposed to know that? Ugh more hate for chompalomps. Simon sez it’s forgettable. Oh well
SIOBHAN. I hate this name and the way it’s spelled. I’m just throwing it out there. It’s pronounced ShuhVon but it looks like SeeOBhan. So dumb. Anyway, let’s check dis bitch out. Bah I don’t like this girl. She is a lil wannabe hipster and I don’t think she’s funny, but when they showed last week’s little snippet they seemed to like her. But she’s gonna do THINK by Aretha. Oh god terrible outfit. Socks and heels. Ok I think I hate it a lot. Sorray see-ob-han! Wait, she just hit a kind of sick screechy high note.
Da judges: Ugh Randy LOVED it. Said it was DOPE. Ellen loved it too. Kara can’t get over the high note. Simon says she is such a strange person, in a good way. There were parts that were terrible, but that note was incredible. I agree with dat.
FAVEZ: DUH. Lilly and Yellowteef and a lil bit Katelyn.
HATEZ: HAELAY. HAELAY. HAELAY. And DiDi. wompwomp
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