Break It Like You Broke My Heart!!!

so this bro-by who i discovered along with the rest of the world a few months ago, crept back into my heart after they had him on tosh.0 tonight.  i think i found my soul mate and his name is KINGSLEY, BITCH.

  

http://www.youtube.com/user/ItsKingsleyBitch#p/a/u/0/bjU8KAhwdDM

so things we learned: 

1. tila tequila is a crazyass ho. duh.  moving on. 

2. glee SUCKz so hard it made kinglsey cry with laughing tears.  i guess its ok that my dvr didn't record glee last night cuz if kingsley HATES it, i HATE it too.

3. lady gaga is a snow queen and wants to be with gay nazis then her face burns off in her video for alejandro? (i'm gonna have to google that one now too)

das all!
with love hate,
the future mrs. itskingsleybitch <3

Reasons Terrorists Hate America: The Sex And The City Edition

below is an actual photo of me and ma man chillin on the couch. you don't dress like this on the regular? You don't? Lame.

so i love sex and the city as much as the next broad and i am not shy about it.  it makes me cringe, but i am drawn to this shit, so i shamelessly bribed my sister and a friend to see it with me with some free movie passes i had. i liked it, obvs, but there are some things that need to be said.

#1. The clothes...

are. retarded.  i could not check my brain at the door and accept that this is how people dress. like i live in the city for which this movie is named, and i have never witnessed such audacious fuckery.  i wonder if the people who live in other places think this is what new york city is really like? for 99% of the movie the satc hoes are wearing ridiculously expensive and impractical outfits and shoes such as fug-ass brown wool blazers over ball gowns in abu dhabi, a $50,000 dior/zac posen getup to a goddamn spice market, and this shit, which honestly i can't even find the words to describe.  poor cynthia nixon must have really pissed off someone in the wardrobe departmentt.   but as avid watchers of the series and the first movie, none of this should be surprising, i'm just sharing cuz i think it proves patricia fields has officially gone batshit insane.  oh yeah, and apparently the wardrobe budget was $10 million dollars which is cool cuz our country's economy is doing really awesome and there are no sick children or starving people in africa that could have used that cashflow.  

#2.  The puns...

hurt my head.  i am writing on a blog read by like 3 of my friends and some people are getting paid big bucks to write these gems:

- carrie sees the ridiculous tent set up for them after their camel rides and calls it "Bedouin bath and beyond"

-samantha calls some hot guy in the desert "Lawrence of my labia."

-ladies in burkas are called "the Real Housewives of Abu Dhabi"

-carrie calls charlottes worries over the nanny's boobs "the jude law"  (which actually was kind of funny)

-upon arriving at their hotel carrie actually says "i don't think we're in kansas anymore".  would anyone actually be friends with this person in real life?

-charlotte gets a camel toe while riding on a camel.  methinks the same person who is out to get cynthia nixon is out to get kristin davis as well, since they had her shitting her pants in the first movie and now they give her 12 year old boy jokes.

#3.  The life lessons...

the movie is just chock full of the good shit! for example:

-it's ok to be wildly inappropriate and shake your bubbies all up in another lady's husband's face if you're a lesbian! there's a plotline about charlotte's hot nanny not wearing a bra and shaking her boobs all over the place, making charlotte scared harry goldenblatt's gonna cheat with her hot irish ass.  after wasting much of the movie with charlotte sulking about this and trying to get service on her iphone in the desert, they quickly make note at the end that the nanny is a lesbo so like, problem solved right?!  that won't turn harry on at all!  NEAT!

-cheating=diamonds!  why didn't anyone tell me this before! after carrie tells big she kissed aiden (both of whom look hot btwz) he doesn't pick her up at the airport and you're like oh goddd not this shit again!  but then he comes home and "forces" her to wear a gigantic black diamond so she won't forget she's married.  so, you're welcome little girls of america, now you know the tricks!

-oh and liza minelli has better legs than you ever will.  SORRY!

so, yeah go see it.  i probs will, again.  then buy it when it comes out on dvd. UGH sometimes i hate maself! ta-ta

THIS BITCH...

i am watching the crazy mindfuck that is grey's anatOH-MY with errybody gettin LIT UP and i see a commercial for THIS BITCH!  i didnt want to watch it but you know i am gonna have to.  i. hate. herrrrr.

A womp.womp to end all womp.wompz

I mean, dayummmmmm grl!! (And dayum us weekly for compiling this stunning montage) Sweetdreamz

GoodMorningMeow.

Hipster Kitteh!!!

 

HIIIIIIGH SOCIETY

OK, so this is going to be difficult to write about cuz I know with certainty that no one else watches this trainwreck shit I'm about to get into.  (to be fair, it is on at the same time as ma boy TIM URBAN on American Idol and they have now very sexily flat ironed his mop into a shiny, straight mullet AND he's somehow still on the show, SINGING!!!, and people are still watching! One of naturez odditiez) 


ANYWAY, focus, the show I am yapping about is called HIGH SOCIETY and its some funny fucked up shit, its 30 mins and has nothing actually going on whatsoever, much like you'd imagine happens between the ears of Mz. Vienna Snausages (you didn't think I forgot about Princess Snaussy, did you?)   All of this is made even funnier by the fact that its "star" Tinsley Mortimer is one of its producers aka she gets to see EVERYTHING before the final cut and make decisions and this is how it comes out! Shits unreal. 

Moving on, the show stars some idiots alongside Tinsley (who from here on out will be referred to as Tinslez), her sister DABNEY (no joke, that is her given name), Paul Johnson Calderon, a faboosh gay who is rich and I don’t know why but he hates his former BFF and costar, mayjah racist, Jules Darling Kirby, some waxy figure known as DevWHOREah Rose, (who has also managed to weasel her way on to NYC Prep and The Real Housewives of NYC) and last but not least Dale, the frozen faced zombie that is Tinslez and Dabz momma-je!

Um so they start the show, with the sisters Mortimer, going to a lingerie store they have shut down just for them, buying a bunch of shit, then going to a hotel and jumping on the bed in their purchases and ordering room service (and "pigging out" HA they collectively weight about 120) and drinking champagne in FULL hair and makeup no less.  This is EXACTLY what I do with my sister on the regulah.  I kid you not.

In between scenes they tell you what day it is like it’s an episode of law and order.  A black screen and just MONDAY in all white caps. You can practically hear the DUN DUN... moving on...

PJCz is talking about his scandals and shit and appears to be wearing some macaroni looking necklaces made by a preschooler.  FER-OSH. I just love this fairyprincess.


OMGz. JEWlz is yelling at room service again.  She sucks so hard and is telling them to clean the vomit off of her floor that one can safely assume is hers. She so classy.  The hair salon wont let her in presumably cuz she's a cunt.  No arguments there.

PJC just sent JEWlz some black roses for getting him press in the nypost for their little fight and bitch ain't pleased.  Bahaha he just said waxy DevWHOREah  has "crocodile dundee walkabout hair" and tits that hit you before you get to hug her.  This queen makes it really hard for me not to love him.


DevWHOREah is shit talking about my bebe PJCz and Tinslez!! Saying she lives in (gasp!) Chelsea!! And is dating a prince but where's his crown?! (Answer: who cares his name was Kaz-a-meer or Kazzy for short, he was a serious asshole, and DALE's face practically melted off when he was in the room.) So who cares DevWHOREah. Gahd, this bitch needs to be muzzled, posthaste.


Back to JEWlz, getting yelled at by the HOtel manager where she resides and she wants the cameras off.  Homegirl is fugnasty and bitchy and it should be noted that in the first episode, after saying people are jealous of her cuz she is pretty and smart, she said (and I mother-effing quote)

“My friends do tend not to be homosexuals, fat or Jewish people, and black guys. And I only like white guys. I use the N-word sometimes, but I really think it should be ok to say. My dream is to work for the United Nations.”

Direct quote, I do not lie.  Isn't she a treat!?

DABBLEZ is talking to the camera and I’ve got a major case of the sads for her cuz she looks like a fetal alcohol syndrome version of DA TINZ.  That may have been the meanest thing I’ve ever written about a bitch but surrious its true.  

Anyway JEWlz got kicked out of the hotel and they want us to believe upon her exit there were paparazzoz waiting to take her pic immediately. FALSEHOODS.


PJCz is with his model boytoy Tommy who is both hot and really sweet but he just peaced cuz he wanted to only hang out with PJCz (and the cameras, of course). Homegirl #2 Tommay really knows how to turn on the waterworks to get screen time!  Shit worked. PJCz is now alone and says this happens to him all the time and this guy is an obscure model and he is (again direct quote) "PAUL JOHNSON FUCKING CALDERON!!!!"  Dear god.

DevWHOREah is looking at diamonds that I promise you she can’t afford.  She just legit said "why have a house in the hamptons when you can wear it" then giggled.  She looks like a broke ass Paris Hilton. Think about that image.  Paris Hilton. Only BROKER. Yeah, that's an insult.

Tinslez and Dale are talking about her divorce from a broseph named TOPPER. No jkz. Tinslez was married to a man named Topper. Tinslez just said, "I just want my mommy back." I just googled and bitch is 34 years OLD.  Such language should have been retired decades ago. Unforgivable in a mayjah way.


DevWHOREah goes to a gala with her pilfered diamonds and thinks she has fans.  I would like to tell her that these gays are not her fans, but just additional Tommy-like camera whores who want that boom mic in their face.  HEYOOO!


The end.  Legit.  That was the show.  And yes I will be tuning in next week to do this all over again.  How can you not.  Mothafuckan trainwreckkkkkk!

I leave you with the delicate beauty that is Mz. DevWHOREah Rose...

 Adioz betchezzzzzzzz.

Ma bro!

we agree on so much. separated at BIRF.

clicks dat.