WE'RE BAAAACK!!!! BEVERLY HILLS HOUSEHOES COULD NOT KEEP ME AWAY!!

 hello my faithful (three) readers!  i know it's been months, but i am back to share the snark and love similar to the way normal people spread the HOliday cheer! my hiatus was caused by a few things like getting a real job (no longer an assistant like LOLLY- suck it!), but  truthfully, much like celebs check into the hospital after suffering from "exhaustion", i had to check into my own lil rehab to retrain my brain to function normally after subjecting it to hours of the bachelor pad, the housewives of DC and the occasional indulgence in jessica simpfattyson's price of beauty.

in between there was other crap i could have blogged about.  skating with the stars, the jersey shore, my big fat friggin wedding or some shit, but none of them gave me the warm tingles in the empty spot where my heart is supposed to be like the HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS!!

I just started watching these all natural, unpretentious, salt of the earth goddesses last week so forgive me for coming in so late and not wanting to recap you on all the previous goings on cuz there were a lot and it was juuuiiicy (if your desire is that hardcore google that ish).   i'm on my third sick day in a row thanks to the mothereffing FLU nd this is literally the highlight of my week. i can finally sit up like a human and almost fully function.  ALMOST. i can barely contain my excitement. ferreal.  lezgo!

Taylor, oh sweet Taylor.  she is from the south or something.  she once said "don't make me take you outside and go all oklahoma on your ASS!" to kim during a fight, and that is all it took for me to fall in love with her and her giantly inflated duck lips.  homegirl is really pretty minus those smackeroos, but she has a sad sad feeling in her heart cuz she has this rich dickass husband named russell who is no fun and doesn't seem to like her!  he makes me leave parties and said he wasn't interested in her when they met.  he is fug and she is in denial and i feel mayjah sadz for her.

see?  he is a total toad looking dick head.  and he is mean. BOO!!

  Anyvaze, we move on to my fave, LISA VANDERPLUMP.  she is british (<3), seems to love her great rod stewart looking husband who she's been with for like 38 years, has successful restaurants she may or may not run, but at least she "works, and they always carry around a teeny little fluffy dog named JIGGY dressed in cute little outfits, and has this hot guy named cedric who lives with them cuz she has some maternal love for him and her husband is pretty much cool with it (tho this ep he is growing a lil tired of it).  this makes me love her even more cuz i believe her, there is no pool boy shtupping going on here and she is just nice and much like ma girl from DC, CAT (rip) everything she says sounds awesome and bitchy and she says DAHLING. oh she is a FOX.  Oh and ps she has a daughter named Pandora, and they have this bday party for her and her hot BF does this weird thing where he stands up declares his love for her and how he wants to spend his life for her then sits back down without proposing.  it was weird but he is hot too so i just had to mention it.  also jiggy looks so fierce in this scene- purple velvet rhinestone jacket.

YES YES SHE IS.  CUNTMILLE!!

We move on to Camille Grammer, now ex wife of ma man Frasier Crane and I hate her so much I want to devote as little time as possible.  She complains about having four nannies for her 2 kids, a house manager, a million sq. foot nyc apt that is "too small" for her staff and at one point takes the spotlight from her mother who has cancer to talk about how she is afraid of having cancer and had a battery of tests cuz its all about her. all the time. suchhhh a cunt.  she kisses other people's husbands on the mouth, dances like a stripper, dresses like a tramp and bla bla bla. also she is a nemesis of my other favorite ho Kyle who we will get to later. so camille is a total gold diggin tramp and i can see why frasier left her for a 28 year old flight attendant, but so what, who cayuhs, i hate her ahhhh!!she will now forever be known as CUNTMILLE!!!

Anyfart, Kyle Richards is one Paris Hilton's aunt and she has brown hair in a sea of blondes, she appears to be able to move her forehead a little bit AND she has a husband who she is in love with and who loves her back and cute kids and a nice, take no shit attitude.  she does have an annual white party though, which so far, aside from being the sister of KIM RICHARDS (we will get to her later too)is her only flaw, cuz homegirl is not p.diddy. but whatever my love for her will never die.

so CUNTMILLE has this lame ass tennis party with english tea sandwiches and the elusive adrienne MALOOF and her goofy husband come.  adrienne seems like a nice lady.  her family owns the palms casino or something and her husband is a plastic surgeon and if we are being honest, sweetthang is a few procedures away from becoming the cat lady!!

tell me i'm wrong?!

ok so there's some scene in the pool and the other ladies don't bring their suits cuz they don't wanna and camille is all flouncing around with her giant fake tittaysacks showin off in front of their husbands and no one is pleased. MaLOOF and kyle eventually jump in the pool so people stop bitching at them and further prove to me that they are cool and don't take themselves too seriously.  i'm easy to please duh. kyle is planning her white party, bla bla, i will not indulge her in this cuz again, only diddy has white parties. i fast forward.  kyle and hubby mauricio tell each other they look gorgeous and it warms my heart.  when i grow up, can i haz that?!  kthanx!

Anyone notice or care that "former child star" and self proclaimed ICON (must watch this) KIM RICHARDS, aunt of paris and sister of kyle has not made an appearance on this ep yet (on the other end of the phone doesn't count)?  it's cuz she's boring as hell and always looks sad and is obsessed with her kids and doesn't have a husband and has that crinkly neck syndrome like LYNDA from DC and wah wah wah.  normally i would feel bad for someone in such a sitch, but i can't i'm sorry.  she looks like a precious moments character whose kitten just got run over by a monster truck!

Everyone arrives at the white party looking FAB, including jiggy in a white satin tux, and poor Taylor wants to dance but sad sack RUSSELL just loafs around and eats and is antisocial. UGH he sucks so hard she gets really sad.  she finally stands her ground and says she will not leave when he wants to and it is sad cuz she is choking back the tears cuz kyle and mauricio are so in love and she wants that and she wants to dance and have fun goddamit.  poor taylor. 

there is a funny part cuz they are serving food called fat burger and none of these women eat (clearly) and taylor can fit her mouth around a double and cedric says LUCKY RUSSEL.  IF ONLY. so they stand in the corner, she eats french fries one at a time which i find odd and he does not smile. i hATEZ. her face is all WTF why doesn't he like ME? (see photo at right).  it.does.not.make.sense.  that's all!

OK so bla bla, Sad Kim gets like 30 seconds of screen time running into some dude Lisa set her up on a date with cuz she agrees with us all that kim is one desperate bitch, so there's that awkward interaction for a lil bit.

Soon, CUNTMILLE arrives, but only long enough to give my bff KYLE a book about how to have manners and behave or some shit.  Kyle rolls her eyes so hard they practically get stuck in the back of her head but laughs it off like a LAYDAY. but i think on the inside she is feeling more like this: 

 

Anyway poor Taylor complains some more about her shit ass marriage and about how Russell won't dance and have fun and she is just sad.  she puts her foot down and says she has left enough times when she didn't wanna so GOOD FOR YOU HOMEGIRL.  GOOD FOR YOU AND YOUR LIPS!!! I smell a divorce on the horizon.  She cries to Kyle and Lisa, probs the best people to cry to cuz they are coolest but also the worst cuz their marriages appear to kick ass.  she should really be talkin to KIM if she wants to feel better about her situation.  ZING!

So that's all there is for the night.  poor taylor is left standing on the side of the road waiting for her limo looking sad holding a piece of birthday cake and then they go to a shot of her saying "i feel like i have this life i just want to celebrate, i just wish he would celebrate with me" and cries. UGH now i wanna cry!!

Next week's preview looks AWESOME.  There's some type of birthday party for Kyle's daughter, MaLOOFs shopping, Lisa telling Kyle to cut the crap and stop laughing and joking and be honest about how she feels and then my favorite, CUNTMILLE says frasier wants to end their marriage! Oh and surprise no Kim. HA!!!

until next time y'all!!!!

*also a little editor's note- for some reason "meg ryan botox" is one of the top search terms that brings people to my site so let me just say MEG RYAN AND HER BOTOX ARE DATING JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP.  meh heh heh i tricked you to come here, i hope you stay. bye for now!