Tell my wife if watching "Ellen" is a job, she deserves a promotion!

because it's only Tuesday, and you need some HA-HA up in this BETCH!

ENJOY!

womp.womp.

Here we are again, ready to lay the womps down on some kidz and their dreamz.Let me start by saying these group numbers are horrific.  They get worse and worse every time I watch and they make me feel so uncomfs.  Like we know that lil twinky Aaron Kelly loveeees doin the dance numbers, but how bout bowersoxx?  Could she be any more out of her element?  I doubts it in a mayjah way.  Plus I think they are lip-synching which is fine cuz if they weren’t they would sound like a bunch of cats getting beaten in a sack, so I guess they are sparing us there. But anyway its results night, my fave.  Time to kick some bitches OFF!

 

OH NOOOOO!!!! ZE AJAN IZ LEAVINNNN MEEE!! Just when we were getting close and learning things about each otha!  And that means Toddrick obnoxious Hall is going to stay around to torture me for another week.  Ugh to the max.  Goodbye my sweet sweet Ajan friend.  Konichiwa! (yes i know that means hello. fuckoff)

In other news, Jermaine “I rocks ma onesie” Sellers is OUT and I am so pleased to see him and his bowties get the f out.  He’s talking about God and stuff so therefore I am not listening. Moving Onnnn.. Lets get to the ladies!! Ugh wait.  Danny Gokey is coming back next to bother me.  I loved him in the beginning and it’s really not his fault but the producers made me hate him by pumping up his sad story too much.  It took away from how good he was (even if he did remind of Taylor Hicks at times) AND they booted his bff and my long lost love JAMAR!!!

Wow he is being SO annoying.  He told Ryan to “check this out yo”, asked Ellen if he could go on her show AND talked about his dead wife, which I was trying to avoid spelling out so as not to be a dick, but he said it!!  He’s gone, thank Jeezus

NOICEEEE!! They saved DiDi the singing waitress and got rid of the crazy betch, Michelle Delamor.  She of the diaper dress and the fingerless gloves with the ring on the outside!  She’s gonna keep going forward bla bla, sorry betch, you’ll only be going forward til you hit the street where your pimp will be there to welcome you back with open arms.

OH OH we are down to HAELAEAY and Lacey.  Please send HAELAYAY home pleeeease.  I actually don’t like either of them, and yes it may be more fun to make fun of HAELEAY in the weeks to come, but my ears disagree.  OH well, ‘Merica got it right!

Peace out HAELAYE time to go back to Pooter or something?  (Ryan just said that’s where she’s from)

Recapz: Top Ten Menz

The Menz are performing tonight cuz Ms. YellowTeef (aka Krystal Bowersox) is in the hospital for some reason.  I hope she and her teefs are ok, but here we go jumpin’ right into what is sure to be a hotmessssss….

Big Mike- ridic awesome.  Everyone agrees, nothing more can be said.  Just sickly good.

The judges say: Randy gives standing Ovation, they all dig it, he’s in a league of his own this one. 

Ze Ajan- wait, why is he good tonight?  I can't make any jokes except for the fact that he said "it may surprise people that English is my second language". Bahaha.  That does not surprise me AT ALL john but your good singing does.

The judges say: it wasn't spicy.  It was lukewarm but better than last time.  Oh burn, Simon said purplehaze is gonna get their lead singer back. Ouchiessss.

Ok its apparently surprising fact night…

The one with no shirt, aka Casey something- says he never had a TV and is now going to play some gavin degraw that about 50 other idol peeps have sung before.  I'm pretty sure everyone’s gonna love him cuz he’s fine; I notice tonight he has a nice mouf and nice teefs. 

The judges say: Randy just said a bunch of jibbajabba and he likes this dude.  Wah Kara didn’t like it, which shocked the world I guess. Neither did Simon. Oh welllz

Alex Lambert- Here comes ma boy- carol bradyyyy.  Apparently he vommed last week cuz he was afraid. Poor kid.  He’s gonna sing me one of my favoriteeee John Legend songs and play the geetar. Wootwoot. I liked itttttt!

The judges say: Randy likes it, Ellen likes it (he is now a ripe banana), Kara likes it, Simon likes it.  YAY all he needs now is a haircut and we'll be in some surrious business

Toddrick- first black fritz in the nutcracker bla bla race barriers.  He’s singing Tina Turner, and it was ok.  He bores the crap out of me though. I just don’t like himmmm

The judges say: Randy didn’t love it, oh god I hate when Kara talks, she’s yappin, Simon says "this is not working out for him" and he should work at a theme park.  He looks like he might cry and my icy heart is aching for him a lil bit. 

__________I'm taking a break to watch LOSTTTT_________

Jermaine- We are not friends no mo.  He longer reminds me of ma boy Jamar and is wearing a onesies and he keeps saying "I rocks ma onesie" and says he uses a steam mask that looks like a giant bong before he performs.  Maybe that’s why he rocks his onesie, cuz he is hiiiiigh.  Oh I don’t like this already.  He’s singing a really slow version of "what’s goin on" wearing a pink bow tie and a little faux hawk.  Gross. This sucks.  I predict he's out nextttt!

The judges say: They don’t like him either shockaaaa. He doesn’t like this and now he's talkin about god and I'm turning off my brain. NEXT

AGarz- sang one of my faves James Morrison and then I snoozed.  I just like him I don’t care what he does it always sounds good to me. 

The judges say: The judges don’t really like it though and said that he will never be able to live up to his original awesome Paula Abdul cover.  Dis is true.

Aaron Kelly- ugh this little twinkletoes. I cannot stand it.  He’s butchering my girl with a Rascall Flatts kinda tone.  I hit mute fo serious

The judges say: Gross the judges liked it? Simon didn’t like it so much then Kara chimed in with her weird chompy way of speech. She seriously always looks like she’s got some shit in her mouf.  Seacrest just asked the lil guy if he liked Justin Beiber and he blushed.  LOVE MATCH!

Tim Urban- Jesus, he just started talking about god right away. My biggest pet peeve everrrrrr. He’s singing Matt Nathanson and despite all my better judgment I still think he’s a cute lil thing.

The judges say: OMGz they hated him.  Ellen said he had zero charisma. Simon liked it and the kid looks shocked as haleeeee.

PS- yum shirtless, no?

Lee Dewyze- holding down the pimp spot.  Oh shit he was a bad boy in high school; they put him in an "alternative school". dun dun dun. I wonder what he did.  Mmm he's so cute I think I'm such a sucker.  He’s wearing a blue shirt showing off his bad boy tats and making his eyes so blue. Haha. Jesus.  I'm drinking the koolaid.

The judges say: The judges are beaming smiling at him.  They more or less like it even though it was a lil pitchy.  I'm hating Kara more every time she talks.  Even when I agree with her I wanna punch her.  Simon thinks he’s the best "head and shoulders above the rest" wootwoot more weeks of cuteness to come I guess yayy

LIKEZ: lee Dewyze, Alex flo-ho Lambert though I need them to cut his hair in a mayjah way, and Big Mikeeee. Surprise sneaky I liked Ze Ajan this time!

HATEZ:  Jermaine Sellerz and his onesies, Toddrick UGH.  And Aaron Kelly YUCKKKKZ lil babes!

I'm sad not to put AGarz in there, I hope he stays around but he wasn’t my faveeeeee!

And that’s that… Like Ma Babygirl Seacrest, this is LadyBlaga. OUT

womp.womp.

BAIIIIIIIII!!!

Somebody's gonna have a mayjah case of the sadz tonight and his name is Tyler Grady.  The idiot who showed up to rehearsal wearing ankle boots and a bathrobe got his ass handed to him by 'Merica tonight!  

I obvs couldn't agree more with the decision, but for some reason they also voted out the two hottayz-Janelle, aka the ladyfriend of Tim Tebow, my arch enemy and Ashley the pretty one who sang Leona Lewis! Thennn they hit me where it really hurts,  kicking away my lil pseudo mexicano, "Joe"!

Janelle, Ashley, and Jose were prettay good so I'm gonna be a little weepy knowing I am going to have to sit through weeks of that Hayley bitch (who spells her name HAELEAY or something), John Park, the Ajan, Toddrick Hall and Jermaine Sellers the rip-off Usher and Jamar <3 wannabes, respectively, andddd that little pre-teen Aaron twerp who looks like Q.T. from 2GETHER (RIP though QT fo realz)

We can all rest a little easier knowing this creature will no longer be spookin up your tvs 3 times a week! Goodnightz