womp.womp

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why 'Merica?!  Why you got play like dis?

Sending home my favorites Alex "FloHendersonHair" Lambert AND Lilly Scott!?  Big Timez WTF!!?

PS- They also sent home Katelyn Epperlyz (wrong choice) and TODDRICK (correct)

So yeah that means several more weeks of Paige whatever her name is, the girl with the sick grandma, Twinkletoes Aaron Kelly, and more. 

I'm hurtin.  Da faith iz gone. Blaga OUT.

womp.womp.

Here we are again, ready to lay the womps down on some kidz and their dreamz.Let me start by saying these group numbers are horrific.  They get worse and worse every time I watch and they make me feel so uncomfs.  Like we know that lil twinky Aaron Kelly loveeees doin the dance numbers, but how bout bowersoxx?  Could she be any more out of her element?  I doubts it in a mayjah way.  Plus I think they are lip-synching which is fine cuz if they weren’t they would sound like a bunch of cats getting beaten in a sack, so I guess they are sparing us there. But anyway its results night, my fave.  Time to kick some bitches OFF!

 

OH NOOOOO!!!! ZE AJAN IZ LEAVINNNN MEEE!! Just when we were getting close and learning things about each otha!  And that means Toddrick obnoxious Hall is going to stay around to torture me for another week.  Ugh to the max.  Goodbye my sweet sweet Ajan friend.  Konichiwa! (yes i know that means hello. fuckoff)

In other news, Jermaine “I rocks ma onesie” Sellers is OUT and I am so pleased to see him and his bowties get the f out.  He’s talking about God and stuff so therefore I am not listening. Moving Onnnn.. Lets get to the ladies!! Ugh wait.  Danny Gokey is coming back next to bother me.  I loved him in the beginning and it’s really not his fault but the producers made me hate him by pumping up his sad story too much.  It took away from how good he was (even if he did remind of Taylor Hicks at times) AND they booted his bff and my long lost love JAMAR!!!

Wow he is being SO annoying.  He told Ryan to “check this out yo”, asked Ellen if he could go on her show AND talked about his dead wife, which I was trying to avoid spelling out so as not to be a dick, but he said it!!  He’s gone, thank Jeezus

NOICEEEE!! They saved DiDi the singing waitress and got rid of the crazy betch, Michelle Delamor.  She of the diaper dress and the fingerless gloves with the ring on the outside!  She’s gonna keep going forward bla bla, sorry betch, you’ll only be going forward til you hit the street where your pimp will be there to welcome you back with open arms.

OH OH we are down to HAELAEAY and Lacey.  Please send HAELAYAY home pleeeease.  I actually don’t like either of them, and yes it may be more fun to make fun of HAELEAY in the weeks to come, but my ears disagree.  OH well, ‘Merica got it right!

Peace out HAELAYE time to go back to Pooter or something?  (Ryan just said that’s where she’s from)

Recapz: YellowTeefz is Back in Action!

OK so we have the ladayz tonight, and shocka I’m watching it on time! So we jump right on in with....

BOWERSOXX. Who apparently was super sick yesterday, but she just killed some song I never heard and errybody loved the shit out of it.  Oh and she has a twin brother named Karl who is a total square she tells me. I can’t say much else cuz I was pretty confident she was gonna kill it so I didn’t really pay attention, but shocka khan, she did. 

Da judges:  They all loved it and Simon said she is gonna be Kelly Clarkson or something.  Sick burn on all the other girls.

HAELEAY. Ugh god I hate her and all her glittery shit and terribly colored makeup.  Don’t they have stylists on this show?  She’s talking about how she makes headbands and they are just as fug as she is (SORRY) her giant teeth and mouth and slight lisp just annoy the shit out of me.  Oh and she’s singing a Hannah Montana song.  This is gonna be a hot mess for me.  Ok if I close my eyes, she’s not awful yet, but how come she doesn’t have the lisp when she sings?  I don’t getz.

Da judges:  They hates it too. Byebye HAELAYEAY

LACEY.  This ho looks like a low budget Nikki McKibin from season 1.   Wow her “interesting” fact is that she buys and refurbishes old furniture.  How intriguing, ya nerd.   She’s singing “Kiss Me” from She’s All That (great film), but I am already bored.  I didn’t like when the first girl sang it and now I like it even less when it’s paired with this horrific spiky red hair and poofy-shouldered ensemble.  Wow it keeps getting worse as the song goes on.  UNfortz.  Get her off my screen, no one wants to kiss her punky lil face when she’s singin’ like dis.

Da judges:  Big Dawg Randy says it just wasn’t special.  Ellen says it was adorable.  I think we should start factoring Ellen’s lezzyness into her judgments here cuz homegirl is WAY OFF and is letting her ladyparts do the thinkin’, not her brain.  Kara yappin, I’m not listening.  Simon sez it’s forgettable bla bla.

KATIE STEVENZ.  (aka the one with the sick grandma, I think)  Oh, what we don’t know is she’s a total skank, and knows how to say “give me a kiss” in six different languages.  She just told America not to think too badly of her, but I already do.  Too late!  Lil Sluttykinz.   K so she’s singing Go Put Your Records On, which I love, but we will waitz and seez.   She is so much better than I expected her to be, I’m not like in looove or anything (my heart belongs to gray-haired Lilly) but she is good and stuff.  Kudoz lil slut!

Da judges:  Randy says there were some bright momentz but it’s not that good. Kara and Ellen don’t love it eitha.  Maybe I misheard.   Simon sez it’s frustrating cuz she’s needs experience and stuff.  Seacrest mentioned BEIBER again!! I think he loves him.

DIDI.  Used to be a mascot apparently.  Ugh before she hits the stage she prays (UGH) and she MEOWS.  Yeah, she meows.  Good God. Ok she’s singing Lean On Me and I already don’t likez cuz you don’t fuck with a classic unless you’re really good and this is not really good.  She’s reminding me of J.Simpz and not in a good way- with the yelly-singing and awkward hand motions and whatnot.  Oh well. Unfortunate cuz I liked her in Hollywood I think.

Da judges:  Randy gives a polite HALE NAW.  Ellen yapped something.  Kara hatez it and is talking with the chompy jaw thing again.  Simon sez she sounded like a cat! Screeching! Sick burn SiSi!  Damn she is so close to crying she won’t even talk to Seacrest!  Bitch needs to grow upppppppp.

MICHELLE. I am bored by her already.  Her interesting fact is that she works with kids.  She sounds like she’s reciting the lines to that Whitney Houston song.  I believe that children are the future.  She also prays before she goes on stage (bo-ring).  She’s singing Creed and wearing one half-glove with a ring on the outside of it.  Her dress looks like a fluffy white diaper.  Meh.  Just meh, that’s all I have to say about her.  Yikes the end of that was BAD.

Da judges:  Randy and Ellen like her wacko outfit.  But it was eh.  I just looked up and noticed Ellen has a really wrinkly neck.  Such pretty blue eyes but her neck looks mangled.  Chompy Kara loved it.  She’s such an idiot. Simon liked it too. Yuckyz.  Dislike.

LILLLLAYYY. Ma girl.  She’s gonna sing Sam Cooke. I cross my fingers for her cuz I love this bitch for real.   Her interesting fact is that she plays a shitload of instruments, which makes me like her even more.  Tonight she playing the 12-string geetar and I liked it, but I am biased. OH WELLLLLL.

Da judges:  Randy said it was fave of the night. YES.  Ellen says she has IT.  Kara was RIVETED. Simon sez Bowersox was better but she was great. 

(ps i like her so much she gets a double pic. BOOM)

KATELYN.  Is singing Coldplay and playin the piano.  I really like it.  I don’t remember her from any other time before but she just won my cold cold heart over for real. And she’s cute.  She’s playing it reeeeeeally slow though.  It’s good though I likez her.

Da judges:  Randy “actually really liked it”.  Ellen says it was too slow.  Chompy says she “kind of loves her”.  Simon said it was a smart choice of song but he said she becomes quiet corny when she performs which I don’t really get cuz she just was sitting there playing the piano.  Weirdzz

PAIGE.  Who the ef is Paige?  Never heard of her.  Never seen her before. I actually just walked out of the room when she was singing to talk about some British tabloid shit with my stepdiddy.  Wez talking about Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole and cheating scandalz for footballers.  Sorry Paige, maybe next week.

Da judges:  Randy didn’t like it.  Ellen liked it.  They just showed Paige’s friends in the audience and they are whiter than white which made me lol.  Chompy likes the song cuz she wrote it but she just said some shit about how she shouldn’t have been smiling cuz Kara wasn’t smiling when she wrote it.  How the f was Paige supposed to know that?  Ugh more hate for chompalomps. Simon sez it’s forgettable.  Oh well

SIOBHAN.  I hate this name and the way it’s spelled.  I’m just throwing it out there.  It’s pronounced ShuhVon but it looks like SeeOBhan.  So dumb.  Anyway, let’s check dis bitch out.  Bah I don’t like this girl.  She is a lil wannabe hipster and I don’t think she’s funny, but when they showed last week’s little snippet they seemed to like her.    But she’s gonna do THINK by Aretha.  Oh god terrible outfit.  Socks and heels.  Ok I think I hate it a lot. Sorray see-ob-han!  Wait, she just hit a kind of sick screechy high note.

Da judges:  Ugh Randy LOVED it.  Said it was DOPE.  Ellen loved it too.   Kara can’t get over the high note.  Simon says she is such a strange person, in a good way.  There were parts that were terrible, but that note was incredible.  I agree with dat.

FAVEZ:  DUH. Lilly and Yellowteef and a lil bit Katelyn.

HATEZ:  HAELAY. HAELAY. HAELAY.  And DiDi. wompwomp

Recapz: Top Ten Menz

The Menz are performing tonight cuz Ms. YellowTeef (aka Krystal Bowersox) is in the hospital for some reason.  I hope she and her teefs are ok, but here we go jumpin’ right into what is sure to be a hotmessssss….

Big Mike- ridic awesome.  Everyone agrees, nothing more can be said.  Just sickly good.

The judges say: Randy gives standing Ovation, they all dig it, he’s in a league of his own this one. 

Ze Ajan- wait, why is he good tonight?  I can't make any jokes except for the fact that he said "it may surprise people that English is my second language". Bahaha.  That does not surprise me AT ALL john but your good singing does.

The judges say: it wasn't spicy.  It was lukewarm but better than last time.  Oh burn, Simon said purplehaze is gonna get their lead singer back. Ouchiessss.

Ok its apparently surprising fact night…

The one with no shirt, aka Casey something- says he never had a TV and is now going to play some gavin degraw that about 50 other idol peeps have sung before.  I'm pretty sure everyone’s gonna love him cuz he’s fine; I notice tonight he has a nice mouf and nice teefs. 

The judges say: Randy just said a bunch of jibbajabba and he likes this dude.  Wah Kara didn’t like it, which shocked the world I guess. Neither did Simon. Oh welllz

Alex Lambert- Here comes ma boy- carol bradyyyy.  Apparently he vommed last week cuz he was afraid. Poor kid.  He’s gonna sing me one of my favoriteeee John Legend songs and play the geetar. Wootwoot. I liked itttttt!

The judges say: Randy likes it, Ellen likes it (he is now a ripe banana), Kara likes it, Simon likes it.  YAY all he needs now is a haircut and we'll be in some surrious business

Toddrick- first black fritz in the nutcracker bla bla race barriers.  He’s singing Tina Turner, and it was ok.  He bores the crap out of me though. I just don’t like himmmm

The judges say: Randy didn’t love it, oh god I hate when Kara talks, she’s yappin, Simon says "this is not working out for him" and he should work at a theme park.  He looks like he might cry and my icy heart is aching for him a lil bit. 

__________I'm taking a break to watch LOSTTTT_________

Jermaine- We are not friends no mo.  He longer reminds me of ma boy Jamar and is wearing a onesies and he keeps saying "I rocks ma onesie" and says he uses a steam mask that looks like a giant bong before he performs.  Maybe that’s why he rocks his onesie, cuz he is hiiiiigh.  Oh I don’t like this already.  He’s singing a really slow version of "what’s goin on" wearing a pink bow tie and a little faux hawk.  Gross. This sucks.  I predict he's out nextttt!

The judges say: They don’t like him either shockaaaa. He doesn’t like this and now he's talkin about god and I'm turning off my brain. NEXT

AGarz- sang one of my faves James Morrison and then I snoozed.  I just like him I don’t care what he does it always sounds good to me. 

The judges say: The judges don’t really like it though and said that he will never be able to live up to his original awesome Paula Abdul cover.  Dis is true.

Aaron Kelly- ugh this little twinkletoes. I cannot stand it.  He’s butchering my girl with a Rascall Flatts kinda tone.  I hit mute fo serious

The judges say: Gross the judges liked it? Simon didn’t like it so much then Kara chimed in with her weird chompy way of speech. She seriously always looks like she’s got some shit in her mouf.  Seacrest just asked the lil guy if he liked Justin Beiber and he blushed.  LOVE MATCH!

Tim Urban- Jesus, he just started talking about god right away. My biggest pet peeve everrrrrr. He’s singing Matt Nathanson and despite all my better judgment I still think he’s a cute lil thing.

The judges say: OMGz they hated him.  Ellen said he had zero charisma. Simon liked it and the kid looks shocked as haleeeee.

PS- yum shirtless, no?

Lee Dewyze- holding down the pimp spot.  Oh shit he was a bad boy in high school; they put him in an "alternative school". dun dun dun. I wonder what he did.  Mmm he's so cute I think I'm such a sucker.  He’s wearing a blue shirt showing off his bad boy tats and making his eyes so blue. Haha. Jesus.  I'm drinking the koolaid.

The judges say: The judges are beaming smiling at him.  They more or less like it even though it was a lil pitchy.  I'm hating Kara more every time she talks.  Even when I agree with her I wanna punch her.  Simon thinks he’s the best "head and shoulders above the rest" wootwoot more weeks of cuteness to come I guess yayy

LIKEZ: lee Dewyze, Alex flo-ho Lambert though I need them to cut his hair in a mayjah way, and Big Mikeeee. Surprise sneaky I liked Ze Ajan this time!

HATEZ:  Jermaine Sellerz and his onesies, Toddrick UGH.  And Aaron Kelly YUCKKKKZ lil babes!

I'm sad not to put AGarz in there, I hope he stays around but he wasn’t my faveeeeee!

And that’s that… Like Ma Babygirl Seacrest, this is LadyBlaga. OUT

womp.womp.

BAIIIIIIIII!!!

Somebody's gonna have a mayjah case of the sadz tonight and his name is Tyler Grady.  The idiot who showed up to rehearsal wearing ankle boots and a bathrobe got his ass handed to him by 'Merica tonight!  

I obvs couldn't agree more with the decision, but for some reason they also voted out the two hottayz-Janelle, aka the ladyfriend of Tim Tebow, my arch enemy and Ashley the pretty one who sang Leona Lewis! Thennn they hit me where it really hurts,  kicking away my lil pseudo mexicano, "Joe"!

Janelle, Ashley, and Jose were prettay good so I'm gonna be a little weepy knowing I am going to have to sit through weeks of that Hayley bitch (who spells her name HAELEAY or something), John Park, the Ajan, Toddrick Hall and Jermaine Sellers the rip-off Usher and Jamar <3 wannabes, respectively, andddd that little pre-teen Aaron twerp who looks like Q.T. from 2GETHER (RIP though QT fo realz)

We can all rest a little easier knowing this creature will no longer be spookin up your tvs 3 times a week! Goodnightz

Recapz: If your name’s not Andrew Garcia, kindly go fuck yaself!

Oh American Idol, how I have missed you.  I have to preface this and all American Idol postings with the boldfaced statement that I am obsessed with this shit.  Like in an unhealthy way.  So do with that what you will.  I missed the hot mess that was the Top 12 Girls yesterday because i was out trying to have a "social life", which coincidentally also failed miserably.  So now, I'm back to skewer the bros.  Here we go betches. 

Todrick Hall (I missed his back story video but I’m sure it was painful) singing Since You Been Gone… sounding like a hot fucking mess.  First the spoken lyrics that weren’t part of the actual song in the beginning, the weird warbley high-pitched thing, the leather fingerless gloves, this shit is horrible.  Failz.  See ya never Toddy!

The Judges Ruling…Simon, Kara, and Randy got it right the words murdering it, torture, and verging on stupid were used.

Aaron Kelly.  Oh gahdddd, a 16 year old who doesn’t know he’s a total homo just yet is here! Helloooo World!   It’s all like a dream bla la bla; I’ve heard this crap before. I have no idea what his prepubescent ass is singing, sounds country so I’m over it already.  Sweet hair gel and Nick Lachey moves though dude.

The Judges Ruling…Ugh they like this little tool.  Kara is talking too much as usual, but they all loooove him.  Oh and I’m pretty sure Seacrest just ragged on him for being a little man.  Homos in glass houses, Ryan…

Jermaine Sellers.  I already like this guy cuz he reminds me of Jamar from last year who didn’t even make it to the top 24, which is sad for two reasons- 1. I should not remember him and 2. He didn’t make it.  SADZ.  Hope Jermaine can represent for his fallen brothas (yeah that was pretty racist, sorrrray, i meant it in a good way!  Well he certainly looks like a fool with his jacket with tails and what I can only assume is a leather flower in his breast pocket.  He could be good I guess, but he’s screeching at me and I don’t appreciate it.

The Judges Ruling… Randy likes his threads dawg, but I’m feeling a table full of ehhhh from these 4.

Tim Urban.  Pretty cute and brought back from the dead after someone else got kicked off! Even with his doofy helmet hair, I feel like a younger me would have been in love with his ass  He hasn’t even started singing yet, but I really want him to be good.  Fingers crossed for this little gooba!  OH GOSH.  His high notes are making me cringe and judging by the faces he’s making they’re making him cringe too.  I hope he can stay around and sing something not so facking high pitched and gay cuz I will say it again- he is pretttyyy cute.

The Judges Ruling… Oh, Simon no likeyyyy. Ouchies.

Jose Munoz.  Hmm his little back story made me feel zippo so I typed nothing.  Boring.  He is singing one of my old favorite Jason Mraz songs “You and I Both” and you know what?  It doesn’t suck at all. It’s not great by any stretch, but it’s not terrible.  Meh, I’m surprised in the most boring way one can be. Oh well!  PS- They keep calling him Joe, and not Jose, looks like somebody’s running away from their Mexican roots! Ay dios mio papi!

The Judges Ruling…They seem to agree with my sentiment- he’s been the best so far but not the best ever.  Oh burn; Simon says we will all forget that performance in 10 seconds.  I already forgot what I was writing about! Moving on…

Tyler Grady. UGH.  This guy. Legit makes me feel queasy.  I honestly feel like if there were such a thing as “smell-i-vision” he would break it with his stench.  The kid looks stanky and like he is in need of many many showers.  He looks so slick, and not in a positive way.  His 70’s clothes and hair and copycat dance/shimmy moves up behind the microphone are just too contrived I can’t deal.  And god his chin is ginormous.  I’m sorry I know I’m being cruel, but yeesh. See it’s hard for me to even comment on the singing- I’m too distracted by all the rest (Simon’s face just told me he feels exactly the same way)!

The Judges Ruling…  Ohh they all agree with me.  He needs to drop the shtick and actually try to be a good singer.  My guess is he will not be able to do dat! Sorry!!

Lee DeWyze.  I am liking his Hollywood Week footage and his little knit cap.  I have high hopes for him based solely on that.  (I don’t like his accent though, something midwesterny I think).  Oh I’m swooning in the first 10 seconds of “Chasing Cars”.  I’m a sucker for a white boy with an acoustic guitar. The only things stopping me from loving him (in all CAPS) is that he bears a striking resemblance to a good friend of mine (that'd just be pervy)and as I was typing he had some pretty “pitchy moments dawg”

The Judges Ruling… Ellen thinks he was yelling a lil, which is true as all hale.  Randy and Kara say eh and Simon says he’s the besttttt! Woot woot!

John Park. The Asian duuude.  Hey now. WTF is he singing God Bless The Child?  I feel uncomfortable.  He’s got a little soul in him though and is getting better as the song goes on, but the Asian blow out  hairdo he’s rocking is mayjahly off-putting!  I cannot help it!

The Judges Ruling… Meh, they no likey. Borrrrringggg

Michael Lynch.  Big daddy with a guitar singing Maroon 5.  I can dig it!  This guy’s going to be in top 12 no matter what if for nothing else than his whole big loveable look and wife having the baby during Hollywood Week.  He’s just a likeable and memorable guy.  I don’t think he can win, but he is good, so that’s that.

The Judges Ruling… Too safe, but good bla bla bla wife had a baby, bla, ok we’re done.

Alex Lambert.  I had no idea who this lil dude with what appears to be a Florence Henderson circa the early Brady Bunch years haircut was until 2 minutes ago, but now I think I’m in love (minus the hair).  He told that crazy Mary bitch that he hated her- to her face- and now he’s singing James Morrison’s Wonderful World and I love it.  If they trim his hair a tad I will move from lowercase love to CAPS.

The Judges Ruling…Oouchiez. Simon hated the performance but says he has a good voice.  I have faith in this little nugget and Ellen just gave his mullet a shout out and compared him to an unripe banana. 

Casey James.   Aka the one who took his shirt off in his first audition.  Hmm he is cute, I guess, but I’m not a fan of the surfery/cowboy long hair thing.  He’s pretty good at singing though, which I guess is important, but he has a thing for Kara, which is an immediate black mark against him.  Fun fact, there must be a porn star with the same name cuz when I tried to find a picture of him I got a lot of big breasted ladies poppin up on my screen.  You’ve been warned.

The Judges Ruling…  They like him, Kara has a boner for real, Randy digs it, lezzie Ellen has a thang for the guy, even Si-Si is lovin on this broheim. 

Andrew Garcia…  They just mentioned his name and I immediately google his sweet ass rendition of Paula’s Straight Up.  This guy is just goooood and different and real.  I don’t even want to see his back story cuz I feel like they will find a way to cheese it up and this bro does not need that shit.  Ah, god I love him.  He’s singing a song I hate, by Fall Out Boy I think, but I love it anyway.  I just typed him into youtube and there are a bunch of videos of him singing with an asian girl, and if you can ignore her ass and just wait for our boy AG, you will be pleased, I promz.  Look here!

The Judges Ruling… Simon didn’t like it.  Bitch.  Ugh neither did the others! It don’t matter, AGarz’ chunky ass has my heart forever and ever.

OK So for the record,

My Faves:  AGarz (obvs), Michael Lynch and Alex Florence Henderson Lambert

My Hates:  Tyler Greasy Grady, Toddykinz Hall and Ze Ajen, John Park