A womp.womp to end all womp.wompz

I mean, dayummmmmm grl!! (And dayum us weekly for compiling this stunning montage) Sweetdreamz

GoodMorningMeow.

Hipster Kitteh!!!

 

HIIIIIIGH SOCIETY

OK, so this is going to be difficult to write about cuz I know with certainty that no one else watches this trainwreck shit I'm about to get into.  (to be fair, it is on at the same time as ma boy TIM URBAN on American Idol and they have now very sexily flat ironed his mop into a shiny, straight mullet AND he's somehow still on the show, SINGING!!!, and people are still watching! One of naturez odditiez) 


ANYWAY, focus, the show I am yapping about is called HIGH SOCIETY and its some funny fucked up shit, its 30 mins and has nothing actually going on whatsoever, much like you'd imagine happens between the ears of Mz. Vienna Snausages (you didn't think I forgot about Princess Snaussy, did you?)   All of this is made even funnier by the fact that its "star" Tinsley Mortimer is one of its producers aka she gets to see EVERYTHING before the final cut and make decisions and this is how it comes out! Shits unreal. 

Moving on, the show stars some idiots alongside Tinsley (who from here on out will be referred to as Tinslez), her sister DABNEY (no joke, that is her given name), Paul Johnson Calderon, a faboosh gay who is rich and I don’t know why but he hates his former BFF and costar, mayjah racist, Jules Darling Kirby, some waxy figure known as DevWHOREah Rose, (who has also managed to weasel her way on to NYC Prep and The Real Housewives of NYC) and last but not least Dale, the frozen faced zombie that is Tinslez and Dabz momma-je!

Um so they start the show, with the sisters Mortimer, going to a lingerie store they have shut down just for them, buying a bunch of shit, then going to a hotel and jumping on the bed in their purchases and ordering room service (and "pigging out" HA they collectively weight about 120) and drinking champagne in FULL hair and makeup no less.  This is EXACTLY what I do with my sister on the regulah.  I kid you not.

In between scenes they tell you what day it is like it’s an episode of law and order.  A black screen and just MONDAY in all white caps. You can practically hear the DUN DUN... moving on...

PJCz is talking about his scandals and shit and appears to be wearing some macaroni looking necklaces made by a preschooler.  FER-OSH. I just love this fairyprincess.


OMGz. JEWlz is yelling at room service again.  She sucks so hard and is telling them to clean the vomit off of her floor that one can safely assume is hers. She so classy.  The hair salon wont let her in presumably cuz she's a cunt.  No arguments there.

PJC just sent JEWlz some black roses for getting him press in the nypost for their little fight and bitch ain't pleased.  Bahaha he just said waxy DevWHOREah  has "crocodile dundee walkabout hair" and tits that hit you before you get to hug her.  This queen makes it really hard for me not to love him.


DevWHOREah is shit talking about my bebe PJCz and Tinslez!! Saying she lives in (gasp!) Chelsea!! And is dating a prince but where's his crown?! (Answer: who cares his name was Kaz-a-meer or Kazzy for short, he was a serious asshole, and DALE's face practically melted off when he was in the room.) So who cares DevWHOREah. Gahd, this bitch needs to be muzzled, posthaste.


Back to JEWlz, getting yelled at by the HOtel manager where she resides and she wants the cameras off.  Homegirl is fugnasty and bitchy and it should be noted that in the first episode, after saying people are jealous of her cuz she is pretty and smart, she said (and I mother-effing quote)

“My friends do tend not to be homosexuals, fat or Jewish people, and black guys. And I only like white guys. I use the N-word sometimes, but I really think it should be ok to say. My dream is to work for the United Nations.”

Direct quote, I do not lie.  Isn't she a treat!?

DABBLEZ is talking to the camera and I’ve got a major case of the sads for her cuz she looks like a fetal alcohol syndrome version of DA TINZ.  That may have been the meanest thing I’ve ever written about a bitch but surrious its true.  

Anyway JEWlz got kicked out of the hotel and they want us to believe upon her exit there were paparazzoz waiting to take her pic immediately. FALSEHOODS.


PJCz is with his model boytoy Tommy who is both hot and really sweet but he just peaced cuz he wanted to only hang out with PJCz (and the cameras, of course). Homegirl #2 Tommay really knows how to turn on the waterworks to get screen time!  Shit worked. PJCz is now alone and says this happens to him all the time and this guy is an obscure model and he is (again direct quote) "PAUL JOHNSON FUCKING CALDERON!!!!"  Dear god.

DevWHOREah is looking at diamonds that I promise you she can’t afford.  She just legit said "why have a house in the hamptons when you can wear it" then giggled.  She looks like a broke ass Paris Hilton. Think about that image.  Paris Hilton. Only BROKER. Yeah, that's an insult.

Tinslez and Dale are talking about her divorce from a broseph named TOPPER. No jkz. Tinslez was married to a man named Topper. Tinslez just said, "I just want my mommy back." I just googled and bitch is 34 years OLD.  Such language should have been retired decades ago. Unforgivable in a mayjah way.


DevWHOREah goes to a gala with her pilfered diamonds and thinks she has fans.  I would like to tell her that these gays are not her fans, but just additional Tommy-like camera whores who want that boom mic in their face.  HEYOOO!


The end.  Legit.  That was the show.  And yes I will be tuning in next week to do this all over again.  How can you not.  Mothafuckan trainwreckkkkkk!

I leave you with the delicate beauty that is Mz. DevWHOREah Rose...

 Adioz betchezzzzzzzz.

Ma bro!

we agree on so much. separated at BIRF.

clicks dat.

Real Life Idiot Quote of The Day

"But without electricity, we can still watch TV right?"

                 

- my roommate, in response to ConEd saying they were going to turn off our gas and electric if we didn't pay up.  oopz

Recapz: Jessica Simpson & The Price of BeauTAYYYY!!

So tonight is the premiere of this sure to be classic show “The Price of Beauty” starring Mz. Jessica Simpleton, ken paves, hair guru and Queen of all Da Twinkletoes in the universe, and her bff CaCeeCobb (salad). 

So I guess the whole premise of this shit is that Simpz and co. are going to go all around the world figuring out what real beauty is.  This must have been PaPa Joe and Tina’s way of trying to make JS regain her confidence after THE INCIDENT aka THE CHILLI COOKOFF AKA aka THE MOM JEANS SEEN ROUND DA WORLD!!!

Anyvaze, they are off to Thailand this epi and we begin with them getting Thai massages and Jessie said she "hopes she doesn’t pass gas" and CaCEE doesn’t get to have one cuz she is the third wheel wearing poopy colored brown dress and a frowny face to match. *Fun Fact: CaCEECcobbsalad gets to date Murray from Clueless so she should drop the frowny face ASAP.  She is the luckiest sidekick hanger-on in da universe.  Murray was FAWIIIINE.  K sorry moving on...

Mizz Simpz, with all due respect, looks like she has cotton balls in her cheeks during her little one on one camera time.   I’m not hatin’, I’m just stating a FACT.

So bla bla bla some Thai bro fortuneteller just told her she is going to have good luck in love with a small guy—maybe he means him?! Queen Pavez starts up the giggle parade and now they are off to be eating bugs that speed up your metabolism.  GETZ ME SOME OF THOSE BUGGGGZZZ

It’s hard to believe, as she’s gagging all over these bugs and talking about slime on her tongue (gross, Jessica GAHD) that this is the woman John Mayer called “sexual napalm”.  Google it.

Ohhh apparently in Thailand it's cool to be pale- I would fit right in!!! After this I go on expedia.commmm!! But, oh what a downer, now they are taking J.Simpz and friends to see a lady who fucked up her skin trying to be pale. It’s upsetting my roommate, she's leaving the room!! J.Simpz is breaking up our Monday night fun!   Stupid bitchhhh, I will never forgive you for this!
 

Commercial break just happened that featured a commercial for some more J.Simpz products! How convenient!  BUT back to Mz. Simpleton!! she just drove around in a tuk tuk, which anyone who has ever seen ANTM knows is one of those lil bike cabs, but even tho JS was just in one, she says she still doesn’t really know what a tuk tuk is.  idiot.

Now this I can appreciate.  she is trying to meditate and can’t keep her shit together.  I imagine this is what would happen if I had to do this shit in front of a monk too. Lil Queen Paves looks PISSED that she interrupted his sexy meditating time.  he had some Asian tats all over his arm so you know he takes that shit SURRIOUS.

ok now they are going to see these long necked ladies via elephant who Jessie just said was "HIGH UP" and "felt like a giant scrotum" (shout out to John Mayer?)

They just gave Queen Twinklytoes some one on one screen time and we now know why he isn’t gonna get a lot. homegirl looks like his last face pulled a wittttttle too tight at his last appointment.  Homegirl be lookin' SIR-PRISED!!

Oh and CaCeeCobb's a bright one too- she says some women had this many rings, some had this many, and some had THIS MANY!!! And she wanted to learn allll about rings!!!!!

How do these ring ladies in the middle of nowhere know English enough to talk to simpleton and her posse full of fairy dust?!

BAH now they are putting neck rings on them and only twinklytoes ken looks fresh.  CaCEECcobbsalad looks like she's wearing a golden neckbrace.

next week they are going to Paris, I wonder if they’re gonna tell her she’s a fatty?  Previews certainly hint at it.

And that's it for now.. but for those of you with a stronger stomach, a show called TRANSform Me is about to start and stars 3 tranny women who give makeovers to frumpy real women.  And one of the trannyz is named LAVERNE.  You know Princess Paves would wanna be Shirley…

womp.womp

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why 'Merica?!  Why you got play like dis?

Sending home my favorites Alex "FloHendersonHair" Lambert AND Lilly Scott!?  Big Timez WTF!!?

PS- They also sent home Katelyn Epperlyz (wrong choice) and TODDRICK (correct)

So yeah that means several more weeks of Paige whatever her name is, the girl with the sick grandma, Twinkletoes Aaron Kelly, and more. 

I'm hurtin.  Da faith iz gone. Blaga OUT.