THE.BIGGEST.MISTAKE.OF.HER.LIFE!!!!!

well let me start off by apologizing to emily and the wingster as they have been patiently awaiting this betchy post.  i must also apologize to my homegirl ducklips (gia) because ABC is showing a little of the last few episodes and they told her giving the rose to wes last week was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE.  no jkz.  the biggest. mistake. of. her. life!!!!! oh gahd!

in the preview of whats coming up in this episode, the highlights are melty face nikki gets cornered for saving kiptonyte, he shows us he has a surrrrrious bald spot when he dips his head down, sweet and sour chicken would kiss everyone in the house for "like 20 bucks!" and sweet sweet gia is crying cuz she had to partake in a skanky kissing contest and said she thought this show would be innocent (could that be the biggest.mistake.of.her.life?) and she didnt think everyone was going to turn into pornstars.  idiot.  also, do we think ABC provides these cast members with fun size packs of valtrex after contests like this?  juzt wondering and if not they should.  oh yes and gia also says wes is the modern day shakespeare- but better! and cuter! ima punch this bitch in the collagen!

so right away, meltychinz is in the hot seat and ducklips is calling her out.  i zoned out looking for pictures of meltychinz only to find one of her in which two chins and half a neck was airbrushed out orrr miss thangz went on a crazy detox before picture day. 

am i right or am i right?  bitch's neck and chin now look like they are swaddled in several flesh colored snuggies...(see the bottom of the page...)

ANYVAZE...while i was zoning out i managed to pick up on a few things.  giasweetie is really upset about this kissing competition cuz she has a boyfriend back at home. the weatherman is excited cuz they will be blindfolded (he said it, not me, lil pervert) and now i look up and wrinkles mcgee is making moaning noises as all the men kiss her.   her complexion looks like a delicate mix between sand paper, sun spots, and beef jerky. am i wrong?

remember she told jakeypoo she wouldnt kiss him!  hahaha the weatherman is going at her with his little slippery tounge and made elizabeth say she "just realized how gross this is" just now?  one guy who i still don't know (KOFAX I THINK! muhaha) says that it will be fun to kiss some girls but it will be a struggle to kiss others (NIKKI WE'RE LOOKING AT CHU).  nameless faceless peyton goes.  no one cares.  gwen makes a very yucked out face when weatherman kisses her.  or was that an excited face cuz she is getting some action finally?  maybe the latter...faceless ashley bows out cuz "money cant buy her the respect of her students". lame.  skanky natalie kung pao chickenz is a slut.  nikki is gross. krissily povich looks like she is harboring some diseases in her tongue ring hole.  and no i dont know for sure if she has one so back uppppp.  squeaky mouse steps up and she says she started out giggling.  bringing out the virginal jig again are we princess squeaksalot?  as my strumpet (sounds classier) idol, joan holloway once said "Peggy, this is isn't China. There's no money in virginity" suck it tenleyz.  and SICK BURN.  she loves number 3's kisses and whoa shockz it was kypton! gag me.  now its gia's turn and her collagen is out to play.  all the guys are really respectful to her and dont try to slip her the tongue.   true gentlemen AMMIRIGHT!? 

HAHAHA squeaky tenley says she has to win the rose so she puts on her game (ho) face and starts mackin on the first blind folded dude, making sweet and sour chicken proud, which says it all right there.  when you make the town bicycle proud, you are a true skank among skanks!  just an aside elizabeth is really aggressive and sticking her tongue down the throats of all the men.  also gia must be tiny short or these guys are just giants cuz she can hardly reach their MOUFZ.  so she drops out with tears and restalyne all over.  weatherman like this too much.  the interview is shot from the chest up but i swear i can see his boner from here.  ps i love the 70's porn music they play when elizabeth goes up.  she is such a skankho.  weatherman might be a scrawny nerdbomber but he can smell a skank from a mile away saying he needs cold showers after sweet and sour and gramma wrinkles. meh heh heh wes is a germaphobe! HAHAHAHA he just said tenley was "sloppy", sweet and sour was "violent" , faceless peyton's was "nice" and dry lol.  wes doesnt like it when a laday goes in for the attack unless he's absolutely hammered.  i am starting to see the appeal of this broheim. 

weatherman thinks he's gonna win. lolz.  david wins anddd...PEYTON WINS!!! HAHAH

for the very first time, peyton ladies and gentlemanz!!

it's amazing to hear her speak for the first facking time.  she has a thick southern accent! who knew! ashley thinks she can get a rose still by being taken on this date.  not gonna happen loser! david takes CHINZ, KRISSILY and her snooki bump hairdo, and sweet and sour skank on a date to vegas.  i am quite confident i can fast forward through this whole thing. krissily is defz wearing a BUMP-IT! and nikki is suckin it in under several layers of SPANX i guarantee you this. i am fast forwarding this whole date after natalie says she's always wanted to go to a "nude pool".  who's fucking dream is a nude pool?  even with my fastforwarding i catch glimpses of her skankdom when they have to blur out her naked chest.  this makes me feel itchy...(and she gets the rose from dave on the date and gets to stay in the "villa" with him (insert more porn music) while he chucks chinz and krissily to the curb.  skankz always prevail! am i supposed to believe these two dont bang immediately after the cameras leave cuz i do notz. also instead of those night vision cameras they should invest in those heat sensor ones cuz i bet sweet and sour's nether regions would make it spontaneously combust.

hay now.

Peyton (i guess i have to call her by her name now) picks KOFAX, KYPTONZ, and JESSE B.  squeakymouse is mad she picks balding kryptonite.  weatherman is sad.  wompwompppp. i wish craig m was here to laugh at him with me! pour one out for my fallen homie :( 

HAHA dave and sweet and sour are a couple now and gotta keep it under wraps!  no one's buying that you fell asleep in your clothes tho guys. surriously.  squeaky pants goes to surprise kyptonz in bed to snuggle before his date with peyton and he pretty much gives her the BITCH HALE NAW face and goes back to sleep. again BURN.  im starting to get a real fatal attraction vibe from senorita squeakz. so peyton, jesse b, and KOFAX go to some drag racing place, i fast forward cuz none of this is remotely interesting and i only JUST passed the 1 hour mark. 
 

derrr

the other guys ask elizabeth if she's jealous and homegirl says no! then promptly loses her shit in the confessional.  kofax and kryptonite both lie and say there's nothing between their respective sluts (wrinkles and tenley duh).  jesse b says sweet and sour is not the type of girl he's looking for (aka he's not looking to get the clap).  peytonmeister (almost like leighton meester!) picks jesse b.  he sounds very dumb but yes he is dreamy as peyton says.  oh oh they seem like they are starting to like each other.  but i don't get the skank vibes so jesse b and gonna get nuffin.  

hahahaa! KOFAX says "elizabeth is ruining everything for me".  she is really fucking nutso.  she says she likes that he is struggling (then does and evil laugh).  he better dump her ass. 

gia and wes are on the couch and she's coyly biting her collagen injections, and wes vows to keep her ass in. he says sweet things to her.   not even creepy, cheesy sweet things, real actual sweet things. GAH I SEE THE APPEAL DAMMIT.  methinks i have a new favorite player... WESLEY BABY COME EEEER!

oh creepy i just actually thought in my head "i hope they date".  it is official my brain turned to mush at the 1 hour and 24 minute mark. fmlz.  40 more to go?!?

wes is getting really feisty with people threatening people to vote for his lady in waiting GIA and he says if kyptonite doesnt keeps her in, elizawrinkles will be going home. YES MAN DEAR GOD!! ps i just caught a glimpse of queen of the botox darkness gwen, i havent seen her all night!

things are not looking so good for ze weatherman. as gramma wrinkles says "i dont think he's funny. i don't think he's cute"  probably the only thing she has ever said that i agree with.  bitches are also voting for koFAX it seems.  wes continues his SAVE GIA campaign and angers everyone by saying to vote for wrinkzmcgee.  im scared my new fave is making himself vulnerable! please don't go the way of craig m wessidoll!!  

melissaTEEFrycroft is here looking oh so MARRIED (in yo faces losers!). kiptonite's bald spot is dying for a starring role on this show as it makes yet another appearance.  good luck with that squeaky mouse. ok heeeeeere we go with the votingz!

ashley: safe 

kiptynite: safe

squeakyqueen: safe (ugh she fucking CURTSEYED)

chins: safe

queen of the darkages of botox: safe

MA BOO WES: safe

krissily "you are not the father" bumpit: safe

it's down to weatherman and koFAX and gia and gramma wrinkles...

SEE YA WEATHERMAN! kofax is safe.  THERE IS AN EFFING TIE between ducklips and gramma wrinks and david has to break the tie.  im actually really impressed that wes' trickery went this well!  i'm even more proud of him now <3  david chooses my sweet sweet duck lips to go home and beef jerky forehead is saved.  gia looks extra sparkly and pretty tonight.  our love hate relationship is over again... for nowwww..

well that's all.  i was gonna leave you with this picture of the foxy CHRIS HARRISON. next week looks MAD dramatic.  lots of tears and fighting just the way i mothafackin like it!

but i decided i would leave you with a real treat to haunt your dreams.  

I GIVE YOU.  NIKKI AND HER CHINZ!!!!!!!!!!! (i know i am going to hell, sowwy)

anddddddd GOODNIGHT!!!

Recapz: The Hoes Tellin' Thangz On the Wingz of Loooove!

OH Here we gooo… I’m pretty late on this one cuz as I mentioned before I was attempting to have a social life of my own this week, but never fear, that shit crashed and burned so I will probs never miss an episode of this crap again!

Even in the 30 second promo, I’m getting the anxietyz. C.HArz says they brought back the most interesting ones only and these kitties came with their claws OUT and ready to fight.

Anyway its Chris Harrison and jakeypoo one on one time, how romantic.  They should cut the shit and fast-forward to when these two enter their own lil fantasy suite. Sorry sorry back to the bitches…

They’re already talking about this ROzlyn baloney and how Jakeypoo was being all noble saying he wanted to stand with Chris Harrison while he told the ladies.  I think I heard a collective awwww from across the country when he said those douchey words.  The part that kills me-still- is when all the girls started to cry when they found out about lil Rozy’s indiscretions.  Like who cares you idiots, she skanked it up so you could live to see another week.  Be Thankful and STFU!

Anyway, now they’re talking about the number 2 crazy in town, Elizabeth (number one is obvs ma girl Michelle who we will get to later).  Elizabeth was pretty, but defo kind of nuts with her don’t kiss me unless you’re gonna marry me shtick.  What is she Amish?  The nuzzlin her head all up in jakeypoo’s face during the fireworks?  Ho needed a reality check big time. I wonder if she tries to pull that shit with guys in the real world.  Maybe she does and that’s why she’s a 29 year old really attractive nanny who needs a reality show to find a man. Oh sick burrrnnn. PS Jake says he has friends who have done that before, which of course he would. OH WELL, I’m bored. Moving on…

Now they’re talking about Snausages, who really I have spent too much time thinking about in recent weeks so I refuse to partake in their little romantic lit flashback shit they’re doing right now.  They bungee jump. She’s fun.  Jake screams like a little girl.  Done and doneeee.

Hmmm.. Discussing his love with mouseymouse. Squeakity, squeakz y’all! I will pass.  Nice turtleneck though Jakeypantz! 

Double Hmmm... More Ali shit? BO-RING.

OK for the record I refuuuuuse to comment on these past bachelor cast reunion things they are interjecting into this show.  Chris Harrison just told me it’s a “Sexy New Phenomenon: Bachelor Cast Reunions”.  I’m going to have to disagree with every word of that statement. You know what was a "sexy new phenomenon"?  Girls getting tongue rings in the 90's.  Old people having those swingers parties where everyone puts their car keys in a bowl and swaps partners  (i saw that in a movie on lifetime once). That gay purple telletubby. These lil reunions do NOT qualify. Get ya facts straight.   Moving on...

OMG. I fast-forward and I get more past cast members “giving back”.  That’s nice and all but stop interrupting my fucking long awaited HOES TELL THE GOOD SHIZ programming!!  This is very disrespectful.  I blame Chris Harrison.  But PS matt the English one is cute.  Damn those accents.  Probs has a small weena.  SORRY inapprops! PPS- I kinda missed Deanna’s animatronics robot looking bobble head and the way it wiggles when she talks. More fast forwarding…

Like 30 mins into the show, Chris Harrison just told me the most memorable women are here tonight.  I have to disagree>  99% of these bitches are wack.  This one “Ashley H.” who I like to call haggard 40-year-old J.Simpson, said she wanted to clear up the controversy about her entrance.  What controversy? All I remember about her is her forehead wrinkles. Sorray.  I do remember the crazy Cambodian bitch that said something in her native tongue about letting Jake get all up on her landing strip.  Skankkk!

Oh Michelle- errybody thinks she’s crazy

My favorite part of the show so far is the part about Tenley.  Gia said she “shits rainbows” and someone else said she looks like she fell out of a Disney movie.  Snausages says she thinks she dreams in cartoons.  This may the smartest thing lil Mz. Snaussy has ever said!

Ohhh the all hate Snausages.  This is not news. Haggard J Simps was really mad about that.  I wonder if she and Ali can get a 2 for 1 forehead botox special.  Faces like deez are the reason I do not tan.  I’m just sayinnnn…

Bla Bla Bla… Chris Harrison just told Elizabeth “You’re never as cool as you think you are” BURN.

It’s time to talk about HotRoz. DUN DUN DUNNNNN…

Gia says she didn’t sleep in their room. Haggard J. Simps says she witnessed mad cuddles (she’s jealous). The brown haired one who I don’t think I have ever heard speak called Jessie says that she heard something on the stairs and it was them makin out. OH SHIT. Ella Mae, the single mom (probs just Ella but she looks like an Ella Mae to me)says Rozzy said some pervy shit about “being put to bed” by the producer.  Sounds kinkalicious.  They should totes make Rozzy the next Bachlorette!

C.Harz is now talking to Gia and I don’t care so I’m gonna go walk around my apartment and do some other stuff that I deem infinitely more important than watching this ducklipped laday talk about looovin on Jakeypooz.

It’s time for MA GIRL MICHELLLLEEE!!! This bitch is so off the charts crazay and I love every second she’s on screen.  I take it back.  I don’t want Rozzy to be the next Bach, I want it to be Michelle! Imagine the insanity?  IT would be uh-maz-ing.  She just said certain people thought she was “the girl”. As in the girl FOR JAKE.  I’m assuming those certain people reside in different parts of her wackass brain.  OH well, she is nuts, everyone agrees but her, so we move on.

Ali’s up next and much like the coverage of GIA I will leave the room.  BTW all of that was only part ONE.  And I skipped parts and was bring brief.  WTFZ is wrong with these people!.  Part 2 to follow…

_________________________________

OH PARTE DOS

Ali. Mouse 2.0. gross. I refuse to watch her recapz picture in picture sad face and crying. Wah wah wah GO AWAY.  I’m going to fast forward AGAINNNNN> I just caught then end and C.Har is saying for the 5^th time how many fans Ali has.  Who are they? Where are they?  I want to talk to them real quick.

Up next Hot Rozzy.. dun dun dun

C.Harz keeps telling me ALL OF AMERICA WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT.  I’m going to have to respectfully disagree.  Haggard J.Simps just said OH MA GAHD when she walked out.  Presumably cuz she looks sexay as hale and doesn’t have wrinkles like haggardzlady does.

Anyway, Rozzy says nothing physical ever happened between her and “THE STAFFER”.  Chris Harrison is coming off like a mayjah dickface in this convo.  I feel bad for HotRoz, she may very well be lying but I really think her hotness is working against her cuz she looks like a hot lil seductress.   How come there is no footage of this alleged affair.  Aren’t there cameras around 24/7 to capture these hoes in their full glory?  Why couldn’t they capchya thissss!!! (Haggard J.Simps has such expressive facial ticks. Not sessy.  Another reason botox might be good fo her.  She is again, only 25.  YUCKO)

I’m tired of this Rozzy shit now. They cuddled.  Maybe they made out.  Who gives a shit, just kick her off the show and call it a day. Boooorrrrinnnggg. The one whose name I didn’t know (Jessie) just swore on her dog’s life cuz that’s the most important thing in her life. Big time LOLZ on that one. Puh-thetix. I’m ignoring the rest of this part bla bla bla… cept when Rozzy just snapped at C.Harz. I liked that shit. Somebody needed to knock him off his high bitchy horse.  OHHH DAYUM, ROZZY JUST SAID C.HARZ WAS HITTING ON THE STAFFER’S WIFE. BURNNNNNN!  (he hit back with some jesus shit about learning life lessons, bo-ring!)

OH OH OH HERE COMES JAKEYPANTZ.  I hit the snooze (aka google prince hot ginge for my friend and loyal reada ema-reeeee. Shout out EMA-REE!)  His heart was crying when he kicked out Gia (sobz) and he says Ali will always have a friend (barf).

Now they are showing outtakes.  None of which are making me laugh, only showing me that Jake’s an even bigger tool than I thought.  He didn’t know the difference between self deprecating and self-defecating AND he asked his bf C.HArz how he got his teef so white. But is he happy with his decision… Jake pauses and says with zero enthusiasm “Yes.  I’m Happy” which I am going to interpret as he picked SNAUSAGES, who he just called the risky, blunt, intense choice. How flattering!!

And that’s it.  UGH.  These hoes told me nothing!

So who will he pick??? Snausages or SqueakyMouse?! I can hardly contain my excitement (aka I don’t give a shit).  

All I can hope for now is that they make crazy Michelle the next Bachelorette- that is some shit I would tune in for.