Throw Ya Roc Signs in The Air! Beyonce and Jay-Z's Baby Has Arrived!

Suri has been dethroned

Do you hear that sound?  No, not the sound of angels blowing their little trumpets with joy cuz Hov and B's baby has graced the earth with her presence.  Not the sound of the million dollar mini van pulling up to the hospital's back entrance. Not even the sound of Kanye bustin' up in the delivery room to declare this the best baby OF ALL TIME!

It's the sound of Suri Cruise crying as she loses her (up until now) title of most indulged and ridiculous celebrity spawn in the universe.  According to her blog, Suri's Burn Book, she has been fearing this day for months and now it has finally arrived.  

If you need her she will be hiding in daddy's crawl space watching paparazzi footage of her glory days on repeat while eating a frozen HAUTE chocolate made by her personal slave chef (if you thought she'd be having a pint of ben and jerry's- how dare you? suri doesn't eat what you lowly humans do, duh) wrapped in her blankeys made of unicorn fur with diamond encrusted trim. 

So as Suri mourns her days as queen baby betch, welcome Beyonce and Jay's baby to the world.  Her name is Blue Ivy Carter and when I said welcome her, I meant it cuz she already has more money than you and is going to buy your local professional sports team before her first CHANEL diaper gets changed by one of her personal assistants. 

Y'all bow down now. Princess Carter's in the building!


PS- Blue Ivy just won her first grammy and has been nominated for an oscar, emmy and a nobel peace prize. Suckers.

Melanie Amaro For DA WIN!!!!

oh welllll.  my boyfriend didn't take home the big prize, but on the bright side this means maybe i still have a chance!  just as long as he doesn't go back to the whole garbage man, meth head situation, i see a very happy little life for me and big homie.  (ps chris came in 3rd and josh in 2nd)

but anyfart, congrats to Miss Cleo's illegitimate 'Yonce clone kin, ferreal Melanie got dem pipes and she's gonna identity theft it all the way to the top o' the charts!!!

Say Word: X Factor Finale Time Warp

Hey y'all!!! It's been a hot minute since I recapped some reality garbage, but I couldn't hold back watching the X factor tonight.

via UsWeekly

 It's supposed to be the finals when the top three pull out all the stops with major celebs to sing big songs and so far they have given me Alanis Morrisette (with Josh Krajick), Avril Lavigne (with Chris Rene) and R. Kelly (with Melanie Amaro).  But um pardon me, what year is it? If I do the math correctly, Alanis was cool when I was in 5th grade so roughly SIXTEEN effing years ago.  Around the same time, R. Kelly was jamming out with the theme song to fucking Space Jam.  Since then he has done a few notable things like, oh I don't know, made a sex tape with an underage girl who he peed on? Yeah that actually happened.  Lastly they brought out Avril Lavigne to try to extinguish the bright light that is Chris Rene, but bitch can't even hang.  And for the record Avril's whiny bitch athem "Complicated" was on top in 2002, so with a vintage of about ten years, she is somehow the most current.  Seriously, Paula calls their performance current, but she is most definitely on the ludes again tonight.  Aka shit is onnnnnnnn.  Here comes the play by play kitties!

via Popcrush

First up Josh Krajick.  The hero from the "over 30" group (that's ageism Fox).  Josh is pretty good.  Really good, even.  Physically, he reminds of a big, growly, bear, but I am not here to judge him on that (shock I know), I'm just not sure he's 5 milli worth of goodness.  He will be successful fo sho and there's a chance he could win cuz he is a likeable guy with the whole single dad angle, but I am biased cuz he is taking up valuable screen time reserved for my boyfriend Chris Rene (see below).  Also, we have to cut Joshypoo some slack because his "mentor" is Nicole "loosen up my buttons" Sherzingpussycat, who might I add is dressed like a day time shift hooker on Halloween dressed as Woody Woodpecker.

But I digress.  The second song is their first audition song and brother just killed it with an acoustic version of At Last (watch it!) Gave me the tingles, whatever.

Ahhh... Chris Rene.

via Glamour

The real life Jesse Pinkman. A former meth head cum garbage collecter who looked like he just lost a battle with an eight ball of the Lohan powder during his first audition.  The he sang an original song called, "Young Homie" (a man after my own heart of course) and keeeeeeeeeeled it.  Since then he has been a little shaky but his mentor, LA Reid aka the chair dancing, chocolate suede bowling ball mista potato head, should get a little lovin for turning this boy into a hottish, thug styled JT.  I just love it. Boy's got swag. Anyway, they tried to stifle him by pairing him with the Skater Boi, but he just came back and did Young Homie again and guess what? HE KIIIIILED IT and is gonna win it. (SEE?! SO GOOD) end of story. thanks for coming also-rans!

via unrealitytv

Melanie Amaro. Simon has done his best to try to distract us from this wack ass bitch and turn her into a budget 'Yonce/Queen Latifah/Leona Lewis hybrid, but I will not be fooled!! Sure her very first audition made me get goosebumps but I refuse to forget that she started out with a plain old Florida whitey accent and then one day busted out straight up Miss Cleo shit, giving thanks to her "mudda and fadda" and her best pal GOD. Seriously. She is really good.  Like Beyonce good, but she has none of her own thang to bring to the table.  Also, nice try Simon. It appears as though ya girl went off their diet and forgot their double spanxx layers at home and the tried and true drag queen distraction tactics- big hair and majorly pushed up tittays will not work on me! SORRAY!  Anyway she kills her 'Yonce copycat song "Listen", but LA says it was a 50 million dollar performance and instead of being humble and saying thank you, she nods and tips her sparkly microphone up and steps back. Oh HALE NAW.

And we're done.  Steve the host has no catchy sign off like SEACREST OUT! He just reminds us to vote, duh Steve (I never vote obvs). He is really hot but seems to be void of all personality. Where Brian Dunkleman at?! Bring back the Dunk!!

GOODNIGHT CATZ.  CHRIS RENE 4 LYF

Tell my wife if watching "Ellen" is a job, she deserves a promotion!

because it's only Tuesday, and you need some HA-HA up in this BETCH!

ENJOY!

Hills Duff is Overly STUFFED with Canadian Bacon!

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, I'm sure most of you are just like me and still recovering from a mayjah self-induced food coma (and possibly trying to do some damage control after you puked your brains out in your friend's parent's driveway after a long night of tequila shots with high school heros... note to self: blaming the family dog would have been a totally plausible excuse if not for the fact that half of the neighborhood witnessing your violent up chuck sesh because, well, duh it's fucking THANKSGIVING and families be gathering...)  So here is a lil something that should help you feel better about your current disgusting physical and mental state: a couple of pics featuring Hilary Duff, lookin' more stuffed than your turkey day bird! 

Look, don't get me wrong. I LOVED me some Lizzie McGuire back in the day but lately all the Duffster has going on is chipping her giant chompers and trying to convince us that she's not just another Disney-ho with horrific bangs and CHARMS (charms = chubby arms...its an epidemic!!)  

But seriously, if the Duffster is only good for poppin' out some Canadian bacon bits, what C-list photo-ops is Haley Duff supposed to crash? I don't have any sisters but I'd imagine it's a fucking betch-slap to the dome piece when your bratty little sister is making dollah, dollah bills y'all for her starring role in a Disney show AND for singing the incredibly powerful and intensely moving ballad prominently featured as the "Laguna Beach" theme song (!!!!) while your left with nothing but the scraps of a Nickeloden Teen Choice Awards swag bag and the occasional irregular item from the "Stuff by Hilary Duff" collection for husky tweens!  But I digress...

So during this gluttonous holiday season, be thankful that: 1. You are not Vienna Giradi Haylie Duff 2. You didn't have to bust out four new pairs of spanks and an entire bottle of PAM spray to truffle shuffle your way into a FUG dress (which happens to be three sizes too small and looks like it came out of a fashion bug sample sale) and convince yourself that your bebeh bumpS (yes, plural!) are attractive when in actuality your clearly cutting off all the circulation in your mid-section and most likely depriving your lil nugget of some oxygen. 

Hopefully these pictures will be the kick in the ass you need to see the light and FINALLY do what you are clearly meant to do: create fashionable & elasticized maternity attire aptly named "Stuff by Hilary's PUFF" - Chang Chang !! Money in da BANK, gurrrlll! 

*post by samantics

All Hail to the New Queen of My TV, Connie Britton

Happy Thanksgiving Eve ya'll!  Please excuse the (very authentic, Paula Deen styyyyle) southern slang, but I am currently binging on "Friday Night Lights" aka the longer and more God-fearing version of Varsity Blues, and the "ya'll-in" is just plain contagious!  This post is dedicated to Southern Hospitality (and no, unfortunately, I do NOT mean JT's restaurant - if that even still exists...?) and all things CONNIE BRITTON.  I am obsessed with this woman - so much so that I am submitting my application for "Mom Swap" and crossing my fingers...whats not to love about Marissa Miller's older, probably a bit more promiscuous, smoke-a-pack-day, slightly more sun-damaged sister? (ps. obvs she's not her sister, but come on, they totally look related, do they not??!) I first fell in love with the ginger-haired beauty a few short weeks ago when I hesitantly watched the first episode of Ryan Murphy's new hot mess, "American Horror Story".  I am continuously amazed by how much subtle (or blatant) sexuality and gratuitous violence Murph-dawg can throw at tv audiences - I don't know who he had to blow to get where he is today but god bless him and his disturbed mind because he freaks me out (and I mean that in a way I am totally lurrrrrving!).  

i meannn...ew

Connie Britton plays the matriarch (and recent survivor of both adultery and a brutal miscarriage) and she is just delightful.  Even when she is getting violently banged out by a creepster ghost-man in a "vintage" black pleather bondage full body suit (can you say romance?!) she is still mother of the year in my mind.... she has such a calming presence and while she seems to have aged quit a bit since cheering on the sidelines at a high school football game, I love her and fully support all of her choices on this show.  BUT, come on - do you really expect me to believe that after she and her daughter (who I HATE btw - did you know she "didn't even really want to be an actor" but her older sister - that chick who dicks over George Clooney in that traveling sales-man in the sky movie -totally convinced her to take a starring role in a new tv show - gag me; her brooding, troubled teen-angst bit is growing SO old - I do NOT care if she is talented, because betch didn't work hard or struggle for her sick job, she basically flipped a quarter and twirled her hair which desperately needs to be cut or pinned back by the way, and landed a sick gig) get tied up by LIL KEV! from Always Sunny and two crazy chicks, that they would contemplate staying in Satan's den for another second?!  HELL TO THE NO! Lil Kev is really commin' up in the world though, so kudos to him and his lil hand, and aspiring rapping career in sunny philadelphia, PA!

Anyturkey, Connie is making me appreciate living below the poverty level in gun-loving Texas and making me wish it was socially acceptable to bone high school boys because those football boys are SEXAY!  Granted, they are def 30 years old playing 16 (Minka Kelly, go back to sucking on Derek Jeter's man tittays because you aint foolin' anyone!) but it is SO hot - and the dad/coach/bomb-diffuser from Grey's anatomy who blew up after saving that bitch Meredith's life (the horror) i mean COME ON - talk about southern sex on a stick - mmmmm, lucky Connie Britton - hottie Grey's bomb-diffuser AND Dylan McD?!  She must have been god damn mother theresa in a past life because gurl is KILLIN IT! Betch!!!!

lucky betch.

*posted by samantics

Guest Bloggin at the Grammyz!! Bring on the FUG!!!

Hello people of da world!  Tonight, I handed over the reigns of betchiness to my best friend and partner in cattitude, Princess WingyMinaj!  You may recall she was supposed to make her guest blogging debut for the golden globes, but her fianceetard sat on her computer and ruined it all!!! But now she's back and we got some shit to say!  Polite claps for Mizz Wingy's debut!!LEZGO!

Lady Blaga fans! My forgiving Lady friend has given me a second shot for guest blogging a red carpet.  If you'll remember, i had a mishap last time at the golden globes.  But now im back for the grammys!

So I come in to Miley Cyrus... Holy side boob tattoo young Miley. Her handlers need to HANDLE HER.  Shes wearing a glittery animal print number that is all wrong.  Poor girl doesn't stand a chance with a dad like Billy Ray Cyrus.  

 

homegirl's got a point

Keith urban and nicole kidman show up and keith just said congrats to Seacrest. Did he spill the beans on something?? I google "Ryan seacrest engaged" but found nothing. I guess ill have to stay tuned on that one.  (Wings don't worry, trolls can't get married)

On to Katy Perry, Russell brand, and grandma Perry. Katy Perry is wearing wings, but it's not even that weird. They all match in Armani and rhinestones.  Russell brand is holding granny's hand, what a sweet grandson-in-law! (Very Toddlike! Wingy failed to mentioned GrannyPerry was rocking a very stylish bedazzled pimp cane, but I cannot find a pic of.  I will be getting one for her for her bday, shhh don't tell)

 

Rihanna popped in.  Shes wearing a giant pipe cleaner...not a fan. I think I can see her coochicoochi and I don't appreciate it. Seacrest is practically drooling over her! Pull yourself together! Ronald McDonald hair and this fugtastic pipecleaner creation gets a big HALE NAW from the wingyminaj and lady blaga audience.  Boooooo!!!!

 

Now HOLD UP.  Where's the glamour? Even Lea Michele is disappointing me! She looks like she needs to wash her hair! dirty betch! And why is Kim kardashi-hoe there? I do love the kardashians but I don't get why she attends these award shows. (Survey says: FAMEWHORE!)

Oh shiiiiiiiit, nikki minaj has arrived. My namesake.  Lady Blaga and I disagree about nikki and I'm sad to say she just won a point in the disagreement. Shes just crazy right now in a cheetah get up and blonde Afro.  Wrong. All kindsa wrong. But also FIERCE.  in a fucked up bride of frankenstein sorta way.  meowz 

Finally someone good my gahd!  Selena Gomez! Such a young hottie! The others (cough, cough, MILEY, Ke$ha, WILLOW FUCKING SMITH) need to take some hints from her on how to put yourself together.  Justin Beiber's maybe-cougar lady is TWERKIN IT.

One more thing- can we talk about skinny jennifer hudson is now? this is what she used to look like:

 

And this is her now:

 i mean REALLY.  does weight watchers work that well? she's like  a black olson twin or some shit. do i smell a star joneesque scandal up in here? a lil gastric bypassin n shit?! i'm just sayin. hot dayum.

 

Now that the wingster has dished the dirt on the red carpet, i would just like to say a few parting words after rummaging through some red carpet slideshows and the theme is a resounding WTFZ!  It's all WHY THEY WEARIN THAT/WHO THE HELL IS THAT/WHAT YEAR IS IT ANYWAY!  Exhibits a b c d e f g etc. to follow....

 um, this here is justin guarini.  you know the RUNNER UP of american idol from, oh i don't know EIGHT YEARS AGO.  who did he have to blow to get a ticket in there? jeez.

and um monica? singer of the 1998 hit the boy is mine with brandy.  speaking of which, where is she is monica and j.guarz got an invite? how REWD.

Speaking of monica and brandy, how could we forget MYA.  actually how could you NOT forget her ass?  homegirl is FORGETTABLE. she sang a song with sysco and somehow got invited to be on the lady marmalade song with xtina and lil kim and pink in 2001.  yes thats correct, her last semi relevant moment was ten years ago. babammmm!

Now we can just move on to some precious flowers, who I do not know but must comment on cuz the betchiness in my icy heart cannot be contained!! I give you.. this bitch!!

 who is she?? why is her forehead attacking the rest of her face like that?? it's really rude to be hogging so much of the spotlight like that.  i mean i presume she's a talented musician and this should be her night, but instead the shining star is that megahead she's rockin!  whoever she is she will always play second fiddle to THAT thing. 

OK so there's also this lady.  there's nothing to say about her.  she is a delicate flower of understated elegance, and her classiness cannot be put in to words.  just try to soak in her ravishing beauty.

And that's it!  We both refuse to watch the actual shoe except for when bruno mars comes on and cee-lo (spoiler alert he looked like a giant shiny peacock and performed F*CK YOU with a bunch of technicolor muppets and a chiuahaha puppet.  it was what i imagine an acid trip is like.  a good one.

oh and as usual i have to say i got these pics from various "real" websites and am not taking credit for them so don't sue me perez and and harvey levin, i'm just a poor cat tryina keep it real!!

GOODNIGHT N GOODLUCK N GOODJOB MY WINGYMINAJ! THE OSCARS ARE JUST AROUND ZE CORNER!!!!!!!!!!!!! TA TA from us and SELENITAGOMEZZZZ