ZE END!!! (of the first episode)

weeeeee! itz only herpes simplex 1!

this is going to be a long end of the summer, i tell you.  who the f is peyton?  i don't care but everytime i see her im like who are you and where did you come from?  at least krissily has a stupid name we could remember. 

oh DAYUM, wrinkles just said she was gone for hours and he didnt even ask her how her day was!!?  naggin betch.  oh no! now she says she is in love with jesse kovax TO jesse kovax and he is not feelin it.  she is now trying to strategize with him and tells him if he treats her poorly it will have negative consequences  on him.  like what is she the godfather?  im not sure what just happened there ( he is too- he just said he is completely confused)

oh christ she is crying and says when she kisses him she feels love and when she kisses him she doesnt feel it back and it hurts.  Evil Pdempz and heidi fliess are back and they are accompanied by swing music!  ah TENLEY IS DANCING!!!!! (

my roommate just said she loves tenley btw.  i smell tension! HAI ROOMAY :)  omg michelle has locked squeaky mouse in the bathroom to confront her about starting the rumor about her hooking up with my bf.  michelle should be thanking squeaky for this!  thats the hottest thing that has happened to her sex lyf in YEARZ.  

squeaky pantz is crying hysterically, pretty much fearing for her life cuz of michelle. gramma wrinkles tells her to chill and they will get michelle out and squeaky's tears mysteriously stop.   and the ze emmy goes to squeakalicious for best performance in a comedy or musical.  anyway moving on, its commercial time.  no push ups have been done.  i give up now. 

ok so natalie is talking to JUAN (pronounce huh-wannnn) and i don't care so we are going to skip this part. bla bla boring.  krisiillily is tryina' tell the bitches how to play the game and she is doing the homegirl head shake with her finger waving in the air like she's on maury.  wrong channel bebe!

it's time to start votin bitches OFF!  not tryina' be a betch (i am) but nikki has some wattlage hangin off of her very otherwise strongly featured face.  i no getz it.  anyway people are voting for michelle and then evil pdempz says right to her face NOPE i didnt vote for you!  liez! so convincingly!  much like a sociopath!  swoonz.   sweet and sour chicken votes for huh-wan cuz she is plans with lil mz. junk in da trunk!

GAH i am getting so tired.  i hope not every episode is two hours long! i don't know if i have the stamina.  perhaps this is why i should have gone to ze gym?  OH MAN.  well chris harrison is here to rock me gently off to sleep.  if he says your name you are safe and get a rose from mrs. TEEF (rycroft).   craig m and heidi jessi feliss are ok. 

my darling duck lips, gia: safe

jesse b (tattoos, banging orange chicken): safe

peyton, ms. forgettable: safe

kiptYn: safe

princess squeaky mouse: safe

junk in da trunk nikki: safe

ms. forgettable #2, ashley: safe

david (i just read he was very "Crude" on jillian's season): safe

sweet & sour chicken, natalie: safe

wes (not a lot of screen time for america's biggest villain): safe

gwen, queen of the collagen dark ages: safe! (score for the aarp generation)

gramma wrinkles the II: safe

the weatherman:  safe

(krisisililiy and kovaxx are safe. boring.)

UGH.  HU-wann and CRAZY MICHELLE are gone already!!!! hu-wan is actually kinda cute.  sadz.  crazy michelle, why is our time always cut so short?!  why can't you control the crazy just long enough so we can hang?  i go to bed with a broken heart, i must rest now,. so til next monday my friend(z).

WOMPITYWOMP:SUMMER EDITION!!

My Boyfriend and....ze parte 3

MICHELLE? is this show trying to hurt my heart? god elizabethwrinkles' blonde hair is distracting me as much as ali's wrinkles (seen at right) did last time i blogged. 

anyyyway, they are trying to figure out if crazy michelle hooked up with my boyfriend craig.  oh my gahd the winner gets to take THREE bitches on his date!

swoonz.

he is taking jessie the hollywood madame; gwen, the botox queen from the dark ages; and wrinkles mcgee!  michelles got that crazy look in  her eyes again.  i love it.  they are all in bafing suits getting into the limo.  that can't be fun- wet bodies sticking to faux leather seats?  yuckz.  anyvaze.  ma bf, evil pdempz nipple's are on permanent salute.  they are frolicking in the waves.  crotchety queen gwen has a surprisingly hot bod for a 56 year old.  

anyvaze, they are talking in direct sunlight and gramma wrinkles (word up to the original!) is flirting and her non-bf "kovax" says he don't want people thinking they are together and that lying and deceiving are his middle name.  so cheesetastic.  elizabeth is already talking about her heart getting broken.  bitch you been there THREE HOURS.  (sidenote its only 9:03)

crispy orange chicken said she was falling in love with jesse (he has tattoos) while i was in the kitchen making myself a petite pb&j.  idiotz.

my bf, craiggypoo just was told by melissa's giant married teeth that he had to pick one of the three broads to continue and be safe.  he picked jessi and they are awkwardly dancing (they literally just bumped heads) dancing to this band i THINK is the calling and they were cool roughly 7 years ago.  there is no romance here, they are still dancing in the way the most white people do when they don't really know how, i.e., jumping in place, pointing at each other etc etc.  

gwen and gramma wrinkles are going back to the house.  wompity wompz ladies!

ONLY 45 mins to go!!! ze parte 4 coming right up!

Seriously Ze Parte 2

My mortal enemy: The weatherman!

I wasn't kidding when i said this was going to be long.  i cannot type fast enough. so chris tells me there are 19 and they all have a chance to find love and 250,000 dollaz.  each week they will play games, and will receive roses that will keep them safe AND allow them intimate dates. the guys will vote off the girls and the girls will vote of the guys.  my boyfriend Craig M says this is dirrrrty.  

oh man here comes chris' co-host, melissa rycroft.  she's as annoying as the last time i saw her and she doesnt waste a beat making sure all these loser singletons know she is now married!  craigM my boyfriend just said "this is like christmas", we are kindred spirits, probs.   all the doors are locked and these idiots find out they have to sleep in bunkbeds all in one room.  there is gonna be so many different kinds of STANK in that room.  please take a moment and imagine what these trollops look like without makeup first thing in the morning?!  count me innnn. 

natalie isnt wearing any undies though.  they are talking about who they want to vote off already, and they are ALREADY SAYING CRAIG M?!  wtf?  do they want me to stop watching (true story, there is almost no way that is possible)  ugh melissa rycroftz comes out to tell them its time for competition and i dont like it.

while this commercial break is happening i am going to do 2 things.  1- i am going to do a couple of girly push-ups (cuz i didnt go to da gym you know) and 2- i am going to ponder how PISSED princess snaussy is that she missed her chance to be on this shit show.  she played jakeypoo's cross-eyed beard just like 2 weeks too long or she could have made it!  somewhere, someone (named snausalicious) is singing a sad sad song in a local hooters, black eye makeup smudge all ova her grill, pushing pins into her ally/tenley/and newly made jakeypants voodoo dolls...

the sad songz of princess snaussy..

ugh, shit we are back already and i did exactly ZERO pushups.  so, erin baldwin...you better fucking LOVE this nine year long post cuz my physical health is suffrin'!

anyvaze.  theres some giant twister board and squeaky tenz promptly pulls her leg above her head (she's a dancer in case you forgot) and declares herself the automatic winner.  i hope this means she loses.  and again, melissa rycroftz?  why are you here it TIS unnatural!!

again DO YOU SEEZ?!

the girls want my boyfriend craig M to lose.  i just had to take a break to explain to my roommate about what is going through my mind right now.  theres just too much!!  elizabeth wrinkles tells craigypants she doesnt like him!  i hope he killz her!.  this girl nikki is a little chunkay compared to the others.  jessie says "if i win ill take you on the date"  that lil betch stealin ma mannnnn.  jessie goin to be makin some enemiezzzz in the form of wrinkley forehead!!  wrinkleys looks so bad with blonde hair.  she is telling my bf how she is an honest person.  evil pdempz is just so hot.  he is wearing a fedora and i thinkkk he is asking wrinkleys out on his date but i cannot hearz!

theyz going to bed now.  i cannot wait to see how many night vision hook ups start going down and by "can't wait" i mean i want to go rub a precautionary layer of valtrex all over my body cuz i can probs catch whatever these hos have via the TV screen. 

it's only 8:51.  Ze parte 3 comin atchya...

CHRISTMASTIME IS UPON US!!!...(ze parte 1)

 

today legitimately is like christmas for me and at least one of my friends (i'm lookin at you wingster) because THE BACHELOR PAD is starting tonight.  in the first 60 seconds of the preview there is enough making out, hot tubs and bathing suits to make you wanna get an AIDS test.  squeaky mouse and allllll the other other crazies i have missed and hated so much in the past are here.  seriously...chris harrison is coming out to talk to us and im getting MAD antsy, let's begin.

holy shit they are all coming out of the limo to see ma boy chris harrison and first out is mother effing squeaky mouse.  she is still squeakin and talking about her husband cheating on her.  she literally says cheers to me while toasting herself in the house alone. 

next theres jesse b.  i dont know him. 

next natalie, from jasons season- i remember her because she was a crispy orange color and reminded me of chinese food.  tenley and her are squeaking and "shaking" about each other being there.

theres some dude named david, he looks familiar but i feel like he may have been scary. 

next is GWEN and she looks like she filled her face with all kinza chemical shit from season 2.  david called her old.  BURN.  

tenley is still squeaking cuz jessie s.  is here.  she looks like heidi fliess to me. why is squeaky mouse so surprised to see everyone?  she is pissing me off alreadyyyy. 8 mins in!! 

zu see? (and yes i know that is jamie lynn sigler playing heidi fleiss back uppp)

the weatherman has now arrived. he does NOT wanna see craig M.  and guess who is coming soon!  CRAIG M.  i like how they put the last initals with their names like they are in kindergarten.  

some bitch named natalie banged some dude named JUAN once and i dont give a shit.  drink up biyatchhhh. tenley is still squeaking and stuff jumping up and down btw.  i am tres angry. 

wes is here.  i could give a shit but apparently he conned fuggo jillian with country music or something.  (side note- they just showed gwen again and homegirl ain't lookin so good)  anyway they keep talking about he is "america's biggest villian" like ferreal?  wouldnt that be charles manson or something?

anyway.  some ho named krisilly comes and no one knows who she be.  elizabeth aka the 30 year old nanny that wouldnt let jake kiss her on her wrinkly forehead has arrived and she is no is blonde and she just said "twittebated" i think.  i think she meant twitterpated like thumper says in bambi but she fucked it up.  she likes some guy named kovax who i have never seen before adn she calls him by his last name like kids in high school.  (ps tenley squeaked again)

someone name kYpton with a Y has arrived (oh im sorry its "kiptYn")  she just shat herself when he arrived.  i smell a virginal dance party theme coming up.  oh christ.

now some bitches come who no one cares about and they get 5 seconds of screen time. ashley is here.  she is forgettable. also, someone named peyton. 

this is an actual artist rendering of ashley and peyton.

but here is what is important

MICHELLE IS HERE. 

 
you remember?  crazy fucking michelle?  they think she has a hot bod but they are afraid she might chop off your weiner.  

weatherman hopes gia is going to come and guess who comes?  my darlin ducklips!  how i have missed her so!  all the other girls are sad cuz when gia comes in and takes all the attention away. they are hypnotized by da collagen!!.

hmmmm MY FAVE evil patrick dempsey is here and his name is "craig M".  i dont care if hes evil he's hotness and oh so douchey.  they rpatz hair, the turquoise shirt, the cropped white pants, the hugs in which he doesnt actualy let his body touch yours.  i love him. steal my heart.  this now means weatherman is my mortal enemy!  it's war weatherman!!!!!!!

Break It Like You Broke My Heart!!!

so this bro-by who i discovered along with the rest of the world a few months ago, crept back into my heart after they had him on tosh.0 tonight.  i think i found my soul mate and his name is KINGSLEY, BITCH.

  

http://www.youtube.com/user/ItsKingsleyBitch#p/a/u/0/bjU8KAhwdDM

so things we learned: 

1. tila tequila is a crazyass ho. duh.  moving on. 

2. glee SUCKz so hard it made kinglsey cry with laughing tears.  i guess its ok that my dvr didn't record glee last night cuz if kingsley HATES it, i HATE it too.

3. lady gaga is a snow queen and wants to be with gay nazis then her face burns off in her video for alejandro? (i'm gonna have to google that one now too)

das all!
with love hate,
the future mrs. itskingsleybitch <3

Reasons Terrorists Hate America: The Sex And The City Edition

below is an actual photo of me and ma man chillin on the couch. you don't dress like this on the regular? You don't? Lame.

so i love sex and the city as much as the next broad and i am not shy about it.  it makes me cringe, but i am drawn to this shit, so i shamelessly bribed my sister and a friend to see it with me with some free movie passes i had. i liked it, obvs, but there are some things that need to be said.

#1. The clothes...

are. retarded.  i could not check my brain at the door and accept that this is how people dress. like i live in the city for which this movie is named, and i have never witnessed such audacious fuckery.  i wonder if the people who live in other places think this is what new york city is really like? for 99% of the movie the satc hoes are wearing ridiculously expensive and impractical outfits and shoes such as fug-ass brown wool blazers over ball gowns in abu dhabi, a $50,000 dior/zac posen getup to a goddamn spice market, and this shit, which honestly i can't even find the words to describe.  poor cynthia nixon must have really pissed off someone in the wardrobe departmentt.   but as avid watchers of the series and the first movie, none of this should be surprising, i'm just sharing cuz i think it proves patricia fields has officially gone batshit insane.  oh yeah, and apparently the wardrobe budget was $10 million dollars which is cool cuz our country's economy is doing really awesome and there are no sick children or starving people in africa that could have used that cashflow.  

#2.  The puns...

hurt my head.  i am writing on a blog read by like 3 of my friends and some people are getting paid big bucks to write these gems:

- carrie sees the ridiculous tent set up for them after their camel rides and calls it "Bedouin bath and beyond"

-samantha calls some hot guy in the desert "Lawrence of my labia."

-ladies in burkas are called "the Real Housewives of Abu Dhabi"

-carrie calls charlottes worries over the nanny's boobs "the jude law"  (which actually was kind of funny)

-upon arriving at their hotel carrie actually says "i don't think we're in kansas anymore".  would anyone actually be friends with this person in real life?

-charlotte gets a camel toe while riding on a camel.  methinks the same person who is out to get cynthia nixon is out to get kristin davis as well, since they had her shitting her pants in the first movie and now they give her 12 year old boy jokes.

#3.  The life lessons...

the movie is just chock full of the good shit! for example:

-it's ok to be wildly inappropriate and shake your bubbies all up in another lady's husband's face if you're a lesbian! there's a plotline about charlotte's hot nanny not wearing a bra and shaking her boobs all over the place, making charlotte scared harry goldenblatt's gonna cheat with her hot irish ass.  after wasting much of the movie with charlotte sulking about this and trying to get service on her iphone in the desert, they quickly make note at the end that the nanny is a lesbo so like, problem solved right?!  that won't turn harry on at all!  NEAT!

-cheating=diamonds!  why didn't anyone tell me this before! after carrie tells big she kissed aiden (both of whom look hot btwz) he doesn't pick her up at the airport and you're like oh goddd not this shit again!  but then he comes home and "forces" her to wear a gigantic black diamond so she won't forget she's married.  so, you're welcome little girls of america, now you know the tricks!

-oh and liza minelli has better legs than you ever will.  SORRY!

so, yeah go see it.  i probs will, again.  then buy it when it comes out on dvd. UGH sometimes i hate maself! ta-ta

THIS BITCH...

i am watching the crazy mindfuck that is grey's anatOH-MY with errybody gettin LIT UP and i see a commercial for THIS BITCH!  i didnt want to watch it but you know i am gonna have to.  i. hate. herrrrr.